Dungeon of Awkwardness

Pointless anecdotes that sometimes have a point...

Monday, April 24, 2006

Why I didn't wear underwear this weekend...

between the hours of 4 am Friday to 11 am Monday. No ladies, don't get too jealous, it wasn't like that at all.

The Road to Vegas
It started with a phone call. Or rather, it started with 22 phone calls - that was how many I either dialed or received as 7 guys tried to figure out whether we would stay in a room in Vegas Thursday or would just drive to Lake Mead Friday morning. Of course, when Ben booked a hotel room without our knowledge, it pretty much sealed our fate.

We were headed to Mead in the first place for my buddy Kyle's bachelor party. We were setting out on the houseboat Friday afternoon, but as we were suddenly going to Vegas on Thursday night, I didn't have all that much time to pack (this really wasn't very difficult - just a couple pairs of board shorts and T-shirts - and hence the no underwear) or to EAT. I was hungry by the time we left. Torch was not (this comes into play later).

Anyhow, we all decided to stop in Barstow for food. I was famished by this point, and as we pulled up to a Jack-in-the-Box, we debated eating there, but Torch was stuck on Wendy's. "I know there's a Wendy's just up ahead, and honestly, don't you think it's worth the wait?" Well, maybe it would've been. But a few miles after Barstow, we looked up the nearest Wendy's on Stephen's nav system, and there was NOTHING. Not only that, there was NO FOOD FOR 60 miles. So we come to lesson #1 for the trip: never trust the guy who's not that hungry to pick out a food place.

Perhaps it wasn't so bad, because in Vegas we found an order of steak and eggs for $2.99, and Stephen, Torch, and myself each got 2 orders of this. I've never eaten so much for $6 in my life.

The Night in Vegas
Somehow, for the seven guys, Ben had managed to book the freaking Honeymoon Suite. This consisted of the following items:

1) One king-sized bed

2) One shower with transparent door, completely unhidden from the rest of the room.

3) One hot tub, located precisely in the middle of the room, so that you passed it walking from the door to the bed.

4) One bidet. If you don't know what that is, here is the dictionary.com definition: "A fixture similar in design to a toilet that is straddled for bathing the genitals and the posterior parts."

If you think that seven guys between the ages of 21 and 24 are mature enough to handle such a situation, you are sorely mistaken. But perhaps this event best illustrates our 4 hour stay in the hotel room:

I'm not sure how much money was involved in the bet, but eventually Stephen was convinced to use the bidet. It was enough for most of us to sit back and wait for the inevitable shriek that was to come. But for Muscles, this would not do.

Stephen's first mistake was leaving the door open. Yeah, I know, you would think that the one married guy in the group would NOT be the one watching another guy use the bidet, but Muscles claimed it was going to be "too hilarious to miss". He was right. First of all, Stephen began by facing the wrong way on the bidet. He hovered over the porcelain as a steady stream of water started to emerge. But apparently it was too strong for his liking, and so before making the jump, he decided to turn it down a bit. Unfortunately, he twisted the knob in the wrong direction, and a powerful jet shot up from the bidet (we later discovered it could reach the ceiling) and right into his FACE. What came next was straight out of a slapstick comedy - Stephen struggling for breath, gurgling out the toilet water, as he attempted to turn the whole thing off. Muscles fell down on the floor laughing. Nobody else dared to face the wrath of the bidet.

And so we have the 2nd lesson from the trip: if you find a foreign object in the bathroom, make sure you know with absolute certainty how to use it before diving in.

Other Highlights of the weekend
- The navigation system turning our 30 minute ride from Vegas to Mead into 2.5 hours. You start to wonder if that smug voice is purposely trying to get you killed. Stupid smug voice.

- Ed spending a night going up $360 at roulette, only to lose $320 the next morning in under three minutes. "It can't be red 5 times in a row." Yes Ed, yes it can. "What are the chances it goes red 6 times in a row?!" After it's gone 5 times in a row, about 50%. "Dude, there is NO WAY it's going red for a 7th time!" Well, I suppose he was still up $40 on the weekend.

-2 games of Risk, and 6 games of mafia. For a day and a half, you wouldn't have known we were on a boat in the middle of a lake. This led to the brilliant idea of having a Risk and Mafia night in our apartment.

- Another lesson learned: Gatorade might be good for refueling athletes, but it is even BETTER for helping you continue that 4 hour argument.

- When you and your buddy come to an "agreement" in Risk, and he proceeds to leave his back open, you should feel fully okay with marching your troops through his, taking Australia, and stealing his cards. On the other hand, just don't expect to have a friend when it's over with. Lesson #4: friends come and go, but you'll always remember that game of Risk you played that one time on the boat.

- There was plenty of other fun to be had, but the people demand FUN-NY, not fun.

Response to comments:
'"The Giving Tree is Not a Chump" is from the opening credits of The Simpsons from somewhere around season 13. . . I think they were getting desperate for ideas by then. So um. . . What kind of prize do I get? And why haven't you dazzled hot chicks into dating you with your intellect and sparkling wit yet?' - Penelope

Wow, that was a detailed answer, and I appreciate it. I already explained what the prizes were...perhaps you would enjoy a cookie if ever in the LA area? Furthermore, I don't know if "dazzled" is the right word for getting hot chicks, I was thinking more "tricked". I'm trying the following line on for size:

Hot chick: Hello?

Me: Don't you not want to avoid not going out with me?


Final Note:

After Steve Nash got the MVP, I can't wait for Kobe to just dismantle the Suns in this series. It's gonna be sweet.


Anonymous james nash/marion/d'antoni said...

Don't hate on Steve Nash...I'll be sporting my orange PHX #13 tonight and every night until they run both LA teams from the playoffs. You'd think I'd get Shawn Marion's jersey and pretend he's my cousin, but I have a feeling that wouldn't work out.

11:47 AM  
Blogger James D. Marion said...

Hmm, does the NBA want PHX or LA in the second round of the playoffs. I almost went Elvis and shot the TV today.

1:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I keep getting my hopes up that you'll have posted a new blog fun of fun anecdotes about your adventures in the last few weeks, but no. Everytime, nothing. It starts to hurt after a while. All the emptiness...

4:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

please post... i need some entertainment for the summer...

10:59 PM  

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