Dungeon of Awkwardness

Why I will never subscribe to another newspaper

2010-03-11T08:32:00.000-08:00

I know that print journalism is in trouble, due to the internet, television, shorter attention spans, or [insert theory on demise of newspapers here]. And maybe subscriptions to newspapers have always been handled this way, but the following account is my first experience with it, and because it is my *only* experience (and my blog), I'm going to suggest it is another sign of the sorry state of newspapers.

A while back, a high school kid with a broken arm and hopes of paying for college came to my door, selling the Daily Breeze (a South Bay paper). $20 for eight weeks. He struggled to balance the clipboard on his cast while reaching into his pocket, then pulled out a five-dollar bill. He had apparently received this as a tip from one of our friendly neighbors, and offered to give me the five dollars if I wrote a check to the Daily Breeze for $20.

Now, I was not particularly interested in subscribing to a newspaper, since I get most of my news from the internet already. But I had just moved into my new house, and for $20 there were worse things to buy, especially if this would help a kid get to college. I wrote out the check, and signed the slip (I will include a picture of the receipt when I can scan it, which luckily I saved). Of course I did not take his $5 tip...that was his to keep.

I made sure with the kid that there would be no "auto-renewal" or some crap like that, but I felt stupid after asking, because I had paid up front after all (not with credit card). And please note that I do not blame the kid for anything that follows.

Well, I get my few months of the paper. Somebody calls from the Daily Breeze (or perhaps a company selling on behalf of the Breeze -- they seem separate), and asks if I want to renew, which I turn down. The papers keep coming longer than I expect, but eventually they stop, I easily replace my 5 minute breakfast read with a novel, and I'm thankful I no longer have to make an extra trip to the paper recycling bin.

A little while later, I get a letter from the Daily Breeze, asking if I want to re-subscribe. Before throwing the letter away, I notice they have the payment broken down into "current balance" and price of future subscription. Whatever.

Then, the calls start. I get a few miss calls from (636) 925-1746, but they are awkward times of the day and they don't leave a message. I seem to recall this number as one that I answered regarding my "subscription" to Daily Breeze, and searching on the internet suggests that this number is associated with a company representing various local papers. But ultimately the call I *do* pick up (1 minute after I barely miss the 636 number) is (949) 274-8254, and guess who (it seems to be common practice among telemarketers to switch the area codes they call from)?

I wrote a transcript of the conversation down soon after getting off the phone, so it's pretty accurate:

Saleswoman: Am I speaking with Troy?

Me: Yeah.

Saleswoman: Just wanted to let you know I've been authorized to offer you a $10 Target gift card with a renewal of the Daily Breeze. It is XX for the year [I thought she said $39.96, but that doesn't seem right], and then you have a balance of $23.76 [or something around that number]. We can go ahead and take care of this right over the --

Me: No thanks, I'm good.

Saleswoman: Okay, let's just pay off your balance of $23.76 and we can go ahead and close out your account.

Me: I'm not sure why you think I have a balance. I paid $20 up front to a kid selling 8 weeks of the Breeze, he said there would be no renewal, and when someone called to ask if I wanted to renew I said 'no'.

Saleswoman: So how did you cancel your account? Did you explicitly call up to cancel the subscription?

Me: No, that's the whole reason I paid up front. They asked if I wanted to renew and I said 'no'.

Saleswoman: Oh, well you have to call up and cancel your subscription. I'm sorry if there was confusion between you and our representative, but we still have you with an unpaid balance of $23.76.

Me: I'm going to go ahead and NOT pay that, so --

Saleswoman: Okay, before I have to hand it off to another department, what I can do is cut that balance in half. Do you want to do that?

Me: No, I'm just not going to pay it. This is predatory practice. Good luck trying to collect.

Saleswoman: Okay, thank you sir.

Total call time: 2 minutes, 51 seconds. Total time to piss me off: 1 minute, 3 seconds.

A few notes on the conversation:

1) It was early for me, so I was in a bad mood before I even answered the phone, and was not at my sharpest.

2) Despite my tone, the saleswoman remained very polite the entire time, which makes me think they are used to pissing people off with this scam.

3) My favorite line of mine was the "I'm going to go ahead and NOT pay that"...even reflecting, I could not think of something better to say.

4) On the other hand, my "predatory practice" statement makes me cringe. It's over the top, probably not very accurate...and it sounded stupid and wannabe-lawyery when it came out of my mouth.

5) I love when the woman says "Another Department". Is this some ominous debt collection agency that will break my thumbs?

So onto my initial thesis -- why does this make me think the newspaper industry is in trouble?

Well, consider if you had a product that people actually wanted...one that people needed to read in order to start their days. In that case, if somebody paid up-front by cash/check and his subscription ran out (despite warning that he only had X days left), what would you do? If it were me, I would cut him off, and then when he walked out to find his beloved paper missing, he would rush to the phone to remedy the situation, and would make sure such a thing NEVER happened again.

Now consider the alternative, when you have a crappy product in low demand. A person would hardly notice when his paper stopped coming, except to note that his recycling bin stayed surprisingly empty. What strategy could you use then? Clearly, you choose the slime-ball approach, and keep delivering those papers for a while since, hey, nobody else wants them anyway. You cut the papers off at some arbitrary point, preferably when the "balance" is more than he originally paid in the first place, and then use terms like "account" to sound official and try to guilt/scam him into paying for a product he never wanted in the first place.

Seriously, consider what they are saying, and if they *actually* expect to collect in such a scenario, or if it is a scam. They are essentially willing to open up a tab / line of credit, worth MORE than the original order paid up-front, for somebody who never requested said tab, and showed no sign of wishing to renew the product? I don't think so.

This is the old "well we gave it to you, so you must pay" trick. It's no different from the homeless guy who rushes up to a car with his rag and starts washing the windshield despite the objections of the driver -- does he get change from some people who feel guilty? Sure. Does he expect it from every driver? Of course not! I feel guilty for the homeless man, but NOT for the scammers selling this paper, and that is why I will not pay here.

Consider that the salewoman explained that she could cut the balance in half. Is it typical with real debt that a low-level telemarketer has the power to mysteriously erase half of it after some slight complaining, or does this sound like a scam, where they are trying to extract any money possible?

After getting off the phone, I went scrounging around for the receipt, to see if there was any fine print I missed. Nope. As I mentioned, I will upload this as soon as possible. But for now, I will share the only paragraph actually written on there regarding terms (the subscription form is small):

This introductory offer is for new subscribers only. I have not had a home delivery at this address in the past 30 days. After the introductory offer my subscription will continue at the regular rate.

I guess this is the "contract". You could maybe make the case that "will continue" suggests an auto-renewal, if this line was by itself. But considering the context of the rest of the paragraph, where everything stresses the introductory rate, any sane person would read that last line to suggest merely that you can't continue getting the same price after the original offer runs out. There is NOTHING about "I must call to cancel my subscription if I do not want to be charged further." And there is CERTAINLY nothing about "even though I've paid up front for a certain amount of papers, I would like to open a line of credit, whereby you will keep delivering me papers and eventually you will call and annoy me to collect the amount that I never agreed to pay."

Yeah, in the end, it only came down to about ten dollars that I would need to pay. But it is the principle. If I cave and just pay, and everybody else does, they will continue to make money off this scam. I hope this won't affect my credit score -- I can't imagine it would. I wait with anticipation on what this mysterious "other department" could be. But honestly, I'm guess that the only way I will need to pay this amount is if I decide to subscribe to a paper again, which brings this around to the title -- why I will never subscribe to another newspaper.

For more movie preview reviews...

2009-08-30T14:39:00.000-07:00

ReelStupid is back up, where you can get Torch and my funny (hopefully) movie preview reviews.

Bad storytelling: Heroes recap, part 2

2007-10-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

As promised, here is part 2 of the recap...

Scene: Parkman eats pizza with the girl.

We're supposed to get a sense of how Parkman and the girl have been getting along and interacting for the past four months, I guess (the only way to excuse this boredom). Which really raises the question - why, after about 120 days, is all this stuff in all these separate stories suddenly happening on the same day? Presumably, after everything being business as usual for four months after a giant climax, now Claire is starting school, Mohinder gets approached by fat-guy-with-glasses, Parkman passes his detective exam, the brother and sister are finally hopping the border, two people get their death characters...ON THE SAME DAY. For Hiro, I guess, it doesn't matter how time's been working (after all, in the Hiro timeline this is actually only minutes after the climax), so we'll let that slide.

Scene: Brother and Sister are on the truck reading the Suresh book. The brother encounters trouble with the shady smuggler who insists on more money.

So let me get this straight...this brother/sister pair was running for eight-hundred miles, exhausted, where speed was of great importance, but they never thought to drop this ridiculously heavy hardback book along the way?! Oh, and, uh, surprise surprise with the smuggler wanting more money...

Scene: Cheerleaders are dancing around looking like they own the world. Claire is relegated to the horrible world of badminton. Loser girl gives awkward/fake fall, Claire must retrieve birdy. The birdy is picked up by - [surprise, surprise] - jerkface!

I love when we see scenes like this, because it becomes obvious that you've got a bunch of 30-40 year-old writers trying to remember what highschool was like, with their kids telling them a bunch of exaggeratedstories about how bad their day was, and you end up with caricatures of evil cheerleaders who say things like, "How's that floor taste?".

Guy makes another comment about Claire being a robot, then backs it up with a lame rationalization.

This isn't even flirting anymore, it's just being a jerk.

"As captain of the cheerleading squad, it's totally within my rights to recruit talent when I see it. I think Martha here has what it takes to be a cheerleader. In fact if you can do a back tuck off the tower, Martha here's off the hook."

Some observations:

1) This girl moves less of her face when she talks than Optimus Prime. ZING!

2) Martha, really? If your name is Martha, and you're offended, let me ask you this - are you under 50?

3) Way to let "Martha" stick up for herself. Lord knows she's in 11th grade, 17, and in a year she can join the army...but she can't say, "nah, I'd rather not be a cheerleader". I suppose she's not "army strong", or even the standard "strong" that precedes it in the commercial.

In a show that has 15 characters with extradionary powers, this is the drama we have to entertain us...pushy cheerleaders and a girl named "Martha." Claire decides not to jump, having already gathered everyone's attention.

Scene: Girl having nightmare.

Scene: Claire hanging out, considering her failure. The tool shows up.

We've seen WAAAAY too much of this guy's face already.

Scene: Bennett gets pushed around by manager, until he physically assaults him by grabbing his finger???

Uh, I guess violence solved this problem pretty well. You get the feeling that the writers want you to stand up and cheer here, for Bennett finally standing up to his jerk manager, but, uh, I didn't. I don't think anyone did.

Scene: Cool anti-hero type walking with Hiro. He drinks. He doesn't care. He's like Han Solo without the humor or charm. Awesome.

Scene: Suju gives vague clues of who is after them as he talks to the Petrelli matron.

Scene: More of Hiro and Anti-hero.

Scene: The Bennett household at an awkward meal. For some reason, the brother is awkward, in addition to Bennett and Claire, who both are trying to hide what happened that day.

What IS THIS? This zoom in on faces? This dialog: "How about you honey?" (Beat) "Me?" (Beat) "Anything interesting happen?" (Beat) "No." and "That's great!" and "We're all flourishing, really..."

They are laughing at us with this filler! And "flourishing"...who talks like that?

(Continued) Bennett gets phone call. Claims it must be from work [as an assistant manager at a paper place, he gets called on his cell at dinner?!], but it is in fact...MOHINDER. Here's the snappy, effort-filled dialog that the writers pumped out:

Mohinder: "It's all falling into place."

Bennett: "Just be careful, watch your back,and you and I'll bring this whole company down."

Yup, it's official...this was written by a robot.

Scene: Brother catches up to truck. Finds sister, everyone dead except her.

Oh well. If you ask me, this actually turned out pretty well for the brother and sister...

Scene: Claire is on the phone with Nathan. More filler. Outside, douchebag himself is FLYING, and stalking Claire.

Yup, with that large imagination of the Heroes writers, we already have a flying repeat. Awesome. Members of the same family with 50% of the same genes have different abilities, but complete strangers have the same ones. Okay.

Scene: "Of all of them, I never expected it would be you. " Sulu dies.

Really, that's it...he's pushed over the side of the building? Sulu was set to accept his inevitable death, when the best this guy could do out was a simple momentum push off the edge? I'm not even going to comment on the above line...it speaks so much about the state of the show as is.

Scene: Guys with Irish accents discover Peter locked up in a cargo box. He doesn't know who he is.

Apart from the unlikeliness of Peter being alive, this is probably the only interesting, seemingly realistic scene in the entire episode. Unfortunately, it is too little, too late. If you haven't figured it out, I'm no longer watching Heroes. I have nothing against NBC, but Friday Night Lights is next on the chopping block.

Bad Storytelling: A Heroes Season Premiere Recap

2007-10-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

I do this because - once again - I was disappointed. I jumped on the Heroes bandwagon last season, ignoring some of the boring parts, ignoring some of the cornier dialog, even ignoring the fact that it was pretty much a rip-off of X-Men. And the last three episodes leading up to the season finale had me hooked. Then, the finale was completely anticlimactic. Just a huge disappointment, with one of the lamest/weakest "cliffhangers" of all time. So the first episode of this season was a make or break episode for me...Below is a running diary minus the times. This episode aired long enough ago that you can't complain about any spoilers, so here we go:

Cue Corny Opening (Mohinder voice-over): "The sun rises on a new dawn."

dawn [dawn]

1.	the first appearance of daylight in the morning: Dawn broke over the valley.

2.	the beginning or rise of anything; advent: the dawn of civilization.

–verb (used without object)

3.	to begin to grow light in the morning: The day dawned with a cloudless sky.

—Synonyms 1. daybreak, sunrise.

So...the sun rises on a new sunrise. To say this sentence is superfluous doesn't even BEGIN to describe it. Consider that "sun rises", "new", and "dawn" all say the same thing. I'll have a cliche meter running, and was going to add this, but it is so nonsensical even to the bad high-school poet that it could never be a cliche.

(continued Mohinder voice-over) "...whom destiny brought together to heal, to repair, to save us from ourselves [CLICHE BELL]".

I will remind the witness that the main threat against humanity in the first season was in fact Sylar, A MUTANT, not - so to speak - ourselves.

(Still Mohinder)
"You may feel confined here but it is far freer a cage than they'd put you in"
"How long can they hide in the shadows until [it] draws them out into the light again." [DING DING]

(Still Mohinder) "They bear a curse. A virus that strips them of their powers, and leads them to their eventual death...I've discovered a plague which targets only these unique individuals. It's a disease that threatens to destroy them all, and, in doing so, deprives our species of its evolutionary advancement. Without this advancement, the challenges of this modern world - global warming, terrorism, diminishing resources - seem almost insurmountable on our thin shoulders. The fate of humanity itself hangs in the balance [DING].

RE: the challenges of this modern world: "We need assault weapons to hunt down today's super animals...like the flying squirrel, and electric eel." -Mo Sizzlack

So let me get this straight...the people with the VIRUS/PLAGUE/DISEASE that leads to their COMPLETE DESTRUCTION are most fit for survival? I forgot the amendment to the evolutionary law that says: "a harmful mutation will be weeded out, especially one that causes death, UNLESS that mutation is kind of cool. Then we'll let it slide."

(Still Mohinder) "But with proper funding and research we could fight this disease..."

Or you could put this funding and research to a better use...say, FIXING THOSE PROBLEMS OF THE MODERN WORLD (e.g. global warming, terrorism, diminishing resources) that you just mentioned.

Scene: Fat glasses man (always evil) offers Mohinder a job. Notable cliches:
"I've been down that road before."
"Where will you go Doctor?"
"The least you could do is let me buy you a drink"

Scene: Mexican brother and sister combo running from the police in Mexico.
Brother: "We've got to keep going."
Sister: "We've been running for eight-hundred miles".

My Roomate: Running for eight-hundred miles, really?

Me: Hmmm, it must be their special power. Super endurance or something.
[Edit: It's not. *sigh*)

I've given up on the cliche meter already, with lines like - "I can't run anymore.", "We have no choice", "What if we don't make it?", and "If we get caught, people could die" - written shamelessly across the screen in consecutive subtitles. So, let's be honest, nobody has this conversation randomly after running eight hundred miles except for in the crappy exposition of a poorly written show. Already I'm bumming on this, especially since we've never met these characters before and I don't care about them.

By the way...good job breaking racial stereotypes, Heroes, by, you know, having Mexicans trying to jump the border into America illegally. That's real cutting edge.

Scene: Claire bitching to her father about not fitting in because of the new high school. Her father admits that the girls look more "sophisticated" (i.e. hotter) here than in Texas.

Because if there's one thing Hayden Panettierre looks like, it is a Plain Jane who's gotten beaten with an ugly stick. Riiiiigggghhhht.

He reminds her that she can't stand out...gives her a car...tells her how much he loves her...BORING...she almost get hits by the obvious new romantic interest (who's playing some toolish hip-hop).

Scene: Hiro in old Japan...does his whole stop time deal. I like Hiro at least.

Scene: Parkman saying stupid stuff like "I know it sucks to have NYPD at your door, but that's what happens when you take a hostage". Kicks open a door, shoots one unarmed guy, then, in a confrontation where it is uncertain which person is the hostage, he shoots another UNARMED person from POINT BLANK. It is a test. Naturally, because he didn't bother with sucker stuff like putting them both in handcuffs and figuring out which was the hostage FOR CERTAIN, he has passed the test and made detective.

Scene: Douchebag new love interest starts by mocking Claire about her having a "deathwish". Makes sarcastic dick response about a flame being hot. Then interrogates her in an ambiguous manner about whether she is an "alien" or a "robot". He, being the hip-hop listening white affluent male in Southern California is clearly an outsider/alien freethinker, unlike those stupid robots. I mean, look at that hair - I was like, "Geez, is that hair combed, or not? That's some out of the box stuff right there!"

Professor: "'In the struggle for survival, it is the fittest who win out over their rivals'. Who said this?"

Nobody raises a hand. But Claire writes down the answer in her notebook, because answering the question would clearly be drawing attention to herself. Now, I'm not saying the California education is great, but really? Nobody in 11th grade knows who Darwin is? Really? Fine.

Scene: Shady Mexican smuggler apparently wants to do something sexual with Mexican sister who wants to cross the border. The brother doesn't like that. The smuggler agrees to a "deal" with them that avoids any sexual favors, then gives a look to his partner. I'm sure this will end well and that's the end of THIS conversation.

Scene: Parkman, who somehow has custody of this girl he just met four months ago, despite a dangerous law enforcement job and a recent divorce with his wife, gets into an argument with her teacher who mentions the girl's horrible nightmares. Really, has there been one believable/interesting scene yet?

Scene: Sulu gets the Hero equivalent of a Mafia kiss of death. Should I mention that I don't care if he dies or not, since he's been in like a combined 20 minutes of the show? And for 18 of those minutes he was a bad guy?

Scene: In one of the most hilarious scenes, the Petrelli mother is yelling at her son Nathan as if he's ruined their family Christmas by getting drunk. Apparently he didn't follow the plan. Of course, this "plan" was to BLOW UP NEW YORK CITY!!!!, but that's beside the fact. He's a bad son. She too gets the Japenese character of death.

Scene: In a shocking turn of events, it turns out Takezo Sensei, the greatest hero of all Japan, is...drum roll...WHITE! Yes, that's correct, he now joins Tom Cruise from The Last Samurai in proving that white people can do anything Asian people do, except better, and with less effort. *sigh*

Scene: This scene is just sad. There are characters, there are caricatures, and then there is the assistant manager at the paper store in this scene. I...can't...go on...with "characters" like this. This is about 100 times more over the top than even Dwight from the Office, but not in a funny way.

One of my buddies pointed out this fact (as we'll find out later) - how can an assistant manager (Mr. Bennett) working at a paper store afford a gigantic house in Southern California? I mean, with that salary you couldn't afford the $800/month rent for a single room here in SoCal...and he certainly isn't going to be using any previous finances to purchase the home, which The Company could easily trace, so...

Scene: We learn that fat-man-with-glasses can turn stuff into gold. I seem to recall someone from Greek mythology having that ability...it worked out great for Midas, right? Good. Anyhow, because the obvious fact that this guy is a creep, he seems to suggest the funding comes from this stuff he turns to gold. Now let me ask - is this ethically any different from counterfeiting your own money? He's flooding the market, devaluing gold, screwing over millions of investors and Fort Knox directly. Whatever. I give up. I'm half way through this and I can't go on. More to come on it tomorrow.

Just Laugh at it - The Awakening

2007-09-01T10:47:00.001-07:00

The other night I was flipping through our DVR and I saw we had one of the "Masters of Science Fiction" series recorded. This was a pleasant surprise, because I'd never seen any of them, and I remember at least wanting to check them out.

I thought it would be hard for this to disappoint, because 1) I'm a sucker for sci-fi (even though I don't read as much straight genre sci-fi anymore), 2) I'm a fan of those miniseries based on a various short stories (a la the Stephen King one), and 3) I wasn't expecting much, just a somewhat interesting story.

Wow, I saw The Awakening, and at first I was a little disappointed. Then, it became somewhat enjoyable, because I could only laugh at certain parts. By the end, it had set a new bar for unintentional comedy. "Laughably bad" does not even begin to describe it. Here is the "official" synopsis:

"In the middle of a ferocious firefight outside of Baghdad, US soldiers discover a mysterious body—one that they can’t even identify as human. Swiftly, all over the earth, more such creatures appear and begin to communicate. With this contact, the world is forced to choose between peace and destruction."

First off, read that last line again - the world is forced to choose between peace and destruction.

Really? So that's actually a choice, eh? You'd think this was just an unfortunate slip-up in the phrasing of the synopsis, but no. As you'll see, apparently we exist in a world where generals would rather suffer a horribly painful and slow death than leave one country un-nuked.

Here is the true plot synopsis (spoilers included, I suppose, though you could've guessed it all just from the paragraph above):

-Alien thing is found.
-Woman Lt, strong in her "faith" in aliens, is sent to search out skeptic/expert, who lost his "faith" in aliens because - surprise surprise - his wife died. There is much discussion on faith vs. non-faith.
-Aliens communicate, say to lay down weapons.
-More discussion between Lt. and skeptic about faith.
-Warmongering generals convince the president that this call to lay down weapons is in fact a ploy by the aliens to leave them defenseless, and they ABSURDLY decide to attack something that they ALREADY KNOW to be resistant to human weapons (including nukes) and is clearly far more advanced technologically.
-More discussion between Lt. and skeptic about faith. Skeptic sees his wife because the aliens allow him, learns trite lesson about humans and fear.
-President learns this same lesson just in time, that "we're all the same, we all have fear", and decides to lay down weapons for, presumably, world peace.

Perhaps this synopsis doesn't do it justice...I'll try to add in some exact dialog:

SKEPTIC (referring to the alien communication): It's a mish mash from the Koran, the Torah, the Gospels...All the major religious works from around the world.

PRESIDENT: You're saying this is a message from God.

SKEPTIC: It's for you all to draw your own conclusions. I'm only relaying the message.

WARMONGERING GENERAL: What does that make you, Major? Moses with the tablets?

I realize in a 1 hour show you don't have a lot of time. But these "characters" become caricatures with their absurd logical jumps and general antagonism. Why on earth would you think a "mish mash" of sacred texts would come from God? Especially when many of these books disagree on the nature of God? Especially because, if God were to say something, He would not need to repeat something ALREADY SAID in those texts? And the general's reponse is hilariously antagonistic to a simple reporting of the facts (especially since the everyone already knows the skeptic has lost his "faith" a long time ago).

Here is how a crime show would look under similar circumstances:

OFFICER: This man was killed by a sword to his neck.

DETECTIVE: You're saying King Arthur killed him?

OFFICER: Uh, no. I'm just telling you how he was killed.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY: What does that make you, Sir Lancelot riding in on his white horse?

Once again, though, let us return to the faith/skeptic dynamic. In my synopsis I pointed out the absurd amount of time spent discussing this topic, especially considering it is a 43 minute show and you have aliens, a president ready to fight a nuclear war against every other country + another planet (or wherever these aliens come from). Signs, the X-Files, Contact, etc...all spent MUCH less time directly talking about the subject overtly, but were able to subtly get the point across. Furthermore, the metaphor of using faith in aliens as a faith in God and comparing aspects of them has been done to the point of being cliche. However, never have I seen such obvious confusion between a METAPHOR and what is ACTUALLY HAPPENING in the story. Consider:

1) The Skeptic loses his "faith" in aliens because his wife died of a freak disease. Does this make ANY sense? Who loses their belief in ALIENS because of the death of a loved one?

2) Every other country, including *communist* China, immediately agrees that this is a message from God, despite the alien bodies and spacecraft around the planet. They coerce the US into disarming so that the US doesn't fight "God".

3) When the President learns his lesson, one of his statements, among other things, is that "We imagine fearsome gods..." Thus suggesting that these gods, are, in fact, imaginary. Rather than being offended, however, these countries, WHICH WERE JUST WILLING TO NUKE THE US TO STOP THE US FROM NUKING GOD, jump right in with the President's conclusions.

4) This light, angelic thing (rip-off of The Abyss) shows up, and at the same time the President says "My God". I think this is what passes for "subtle" in stuff like this...

5) HINT: You can't spend half of the 43 minutes talking in a tired, overdone, cliche, repetitive, superflous, unoriginal, vapid way about such an old topic. It is - what's the word? - BORING!

Finally (yes, the rant is nearing an end), the entire epiphany is just hilarious in its own right. Imagine the following speech delivered by the Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-files, with cheesy music played in the background:

"We're all the same. Everything is connected. We all want the same things, and we're all afraid of losing them. That's become our commonality: fear. We imagine fearsome gods, create fearsome weapons. We must stop. The fear must stop."

This hardly needs to be picked apart. There's the obvious non-sequitor between the first and second sentence. The immediate questions: What does it even mean say everything is connected? How does having a single "commonality" make us all the "same"? Are a dresser and a table the same thing because their commonality is that they are made of wood?

Allow me to indulge a bit in a rant against the "everybody is generally good except they are afraid" philosophy. Yes, I understand that the desire for anything can be phrased as a fear...however, to suggest that all fears are equal is absurd. One man's lust and abuse of power might be phrased as "his fear of being irrelevant and/or powerless." Or a rapist might be said to be afraid of "not having sex with an unconsenting partner." Are we really supposed to feel sympathy for this because of "fear"? That statement, "we all want the same things and are afraid of losing them" is just WRONG. I'll feel sympathy for the Jean Valjean's of the world all right, but not somebody who steals because he "fears not having the new sneakers that will make him cool." Official end of rant. Watch THE AWAKENING yourself, and enjoy the laughs that will come.

33 novels I enjoyed more than THE ROAD (this year)

2007-08-29T00:36:00.000-07:00

I was originally planning on titling this post "The Year of Living Dangerously", which would have been ironic on two levels: First, because I've spent the last year working as a software engineer and, as apparent below, reading fiction as I go along, which is far from dangerous. Second, because although THE YEAR OF LIVING DANGEROUSLY was on my list of novels to read, I actually have not gotten to it in the past year. The list proposes nothing about literary merit, only my enjoyability as I went along. Numbering means nothing, only the tiers:

Absolutely Loved

1) BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES by Tom Wolfe -I'll admit, I'm a sucker for these injustice-caused-by-political-posturing books. I remember reading Disclosure in a single night. Bonfire is better written, more complex, and more thought-provoking than Crighton's thriller, I think, and it just hit the spot for me. I can't say I fell in love with any of the characters, but I couldn't put it down while I was reading.

2) BUTCHER'S CROSSING by John Williams - I'd never much been into Westerns, but it's a new take on the college-intellectual-encounters-real-experience thing, and I was completely sucked in. Interestingly, it was from this introduction that I read of another book in the
"literary Western" genre, which brought me to...

3) WARLOCK by Oakley Hall - Seriously, this has put me in the Western phase. I am now watching DEADWOOD. I plan on growing one of those Western beards and sporting it ridiculously. I can't decide if I want to be Wyatt Earp, Doc Holiday, or Bud Gannon. On the surface it looks like it will be a standard shoot-em-up Western, but the characters go deep, and the questions it raises about the law, villains, and heroes in the West are complex. Akin to UNFORGIVEN in that respect.

4) FIFTH BUSINESS by Robertson Davies - I have to say, this one took me by surprise. Growing up in a small town in Canada and being overshadowed by another privileged boy/man - sounds boring, right? I don't know if everyone would find it as interesting, but I related far too well with the narrator, primarily in negative thoughts and traits. Obviously loved it.

Loved

5) THE HUMAN STAIN by Philip Roth
-Yup, once again we have one of those injustice-for-political-reasons themes. Most
people would probably say that American Pastoral in the better novel, but I think I
enjoyed this one more (perhaps it's also because I read it more recently, so it is more
vivid in my mind).

6) THE GUNSLINGER (Dark Tower Series) by Stephen King
-Oh please, make fun of me for picking a Stephen King novel here. I don't care.
Looking back, the story is so perfect, I almost wish it was not part of the series.
Much of this is about traveling through the desert, written in unobtrusive prose, and
showing the relationship between The Gunslinger and the boy. THE ROAD wishes it could
be this book.

7) THE DRAWING OF THE THREE (Dark Tower Series) by Stephen King - How can I say that I wish The Gunslinger was standalone, then list the next book in the series as one I loved as well? I don't know. The second novel was excellent as well, though it is substantially different from the first.

8) THE NAKED AND THE DEAD by Normal Mailer - Another one of those books where you can't help getting deep with the characters, and I've also always been a sucker for the WW2 stuff. Goes along some of the same lines as FROM HERE TO ETERNITY, although fighting happens in this novel, and it focuses on more characters.

Really Liked

9) NEUROMANCER by William Gibson - Read PATTERN RECOGNITION by him and didn't like it. I haven't read any genre sci-fi in a while, so I wasn't totally prepared when I dove into this novel: you don't know the meaning of half the words because they're made up, so you need to keep a running dictionary in your head. But it was exciting and full of twists, and I might decide to start using the word 'joeboys'. Definitely the most enjoyable genre sci-fi I've read
since HYPERION.

10) THE WASTELAND (Dark Tower)
11) WIZARD AND GLASS(Dark Tower)
12) THE WOLVES OF THE CALLA (Dark Tower) - Just because I feel that the additional books in the series somewhat take away from the previous books doesn't mean that I can't enjoy the later ones, right?

13) THE MANTICORE by Robertson Davies
14) WORLD OF WONDERS by Robertson Davies - These are the final two books in the Depford Trilogy, for which FIFTH BUSINESS was the first, and they are enjoyable. But alas, not as good as the first.

15) AMERICAN PASTORAL by Philip Roth - Hey, I would probably enjoy it more if it jumped into the Swede's story earlier. I really did like it, perhaps more than some of the others in this tier, though not quite as much as THE HUMAN STAIN.

16) THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE by James Cain - I was surprised that I ended up caring about the characters so much, considering there just isn't a lot of time with them. Who would've thought murdering someone could be difficult? Pick it up for a quick read...

17) THE PEOPLE'S ACT OF LOVE by James Meek - I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should move this up a tier, but it's too late now. I loved - err, I mean "really liked" - the way the whole story was put together.

18) THE WAY THE CROW FLIES by Ann Marie MacDonald - Constructed a bit along those MIDDLESEX and ATONEMENT lines, where the story is partially told about the coming of age girl and then later goes into the current life. I ding it a bit because much of it is told using the present tense (I get tired of this quickly), and it takes so darn long for the story to get going. However, once things start falling into place it is hard to put down. I wouldn't recommend reading this and ATONEMENT back to back though...

19) FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS by Ernest Hemingway - Oh please, don't get on me about including Hemingway here in the lower tier. We're talking honestly about enjoyment, okay? And if Hollywood has a nack for making artificially happy endings, Hemingway sure knows how to make things artificially sad. Seriously, I've never seen a guy go so far out of his way to make endings depressing. Work on that, won't ya Ernie?

20)THE GREAT GATSBY by F. Scott Fitzgerald - I'd read it before. When I starting re-reading it again, I thought I'd forgotten everything, but I actually remembered more as I went along, and this ruined a great deal of it for me.

Liked

21) SONG OF SUSANNAH (Dark Tower)
22) THE DARK TOWER (Dark Tower)
-Yup, more with the DARK TOWER series.

23) GRAVITY'S RAINBOW by Thomas Pynchon - Yeesh, there's a pretty interesting story somewhere under all that confusion. Honestly, I probably would have never finished this if not for a ski trip, where I basically went snowboarding during the day and read it at night.

24) SET THIS HOUSE ON FIRE by William Styron - Starts so promising, and I raced through the first hundred pages or so. But it gets into Cass's backstory, and it just gets to be so boring, when I just want to find out the mystery towards the end.

25) AUGUSTUS by John Williams - I was watching Rome at the time, and so I was into that whole Roman period. It is interesting, but nowhere near the quality of I, CLAUDIUS. Luckily I read BUTCHER'S CROSSING anyway, and I'm looking forward to reading STONER.

26) THE MALTESE FALCON by Dashiel Hammett -I love noir. And I love good literature. Honestly, I was expecting this to be the perfect storm of greatness for me. It was not. I don't know why, exactly, other than the story just wasn't that interesting. Where's the twist? That's it, really? Oh well. Still a quick and fun read.

27) SNOW by Orhan Pamuk - I think it's been the longest since I've read this one. I remember enjoying it, but not much else, so I think it'll fit in this tier.

28) THE LOVELY BONES by Alice Sebold - Not entirely sure how it got to be as popular as it did, but I enjoyed it.

Okay

29) THE CRYING OF LOT 49 by Thomas Pynchon - I think it's official: I'm not a Pynchon fan.

30) RABBIT, RUN by John Updike
31) RABBIT REDUX by John Updike
-Ah yes, the Rabbits. I thought I would like these and hoped they had something to do with basketball. They do not, other than the opening scene. There are some parts where I was drawn in, but overall, I just don't remember caring much about what happened to our buddy Rabbit. If I recall correctly: Book 1 = he leaves wife. Book 2 = wife leaves him. Yee haw.

32) IN COLD BLOOD by Truman Capote - I know, I know, non-fiction. But it reads like it could be a novel.

33) BLINDNESS by Jose Saramago - A bit like THE ROAD in that the type of prose represents the state of the characters and the world. Okay. I get it. It's impressive to a point, but honestly, doesn't it reach a degree where it just becomes gimicky, and as a reader you have to ask yourself why the hell you bother reading it? Is the goal really to make the reader suffer like the characters in the fictional world?

Didn't like:

THE ROAD by Cormac McCarthy
-First of all, you've read my knock on it from above - the whole gimicky "hell I'm writing about a nuclear winter so now I can write like crap and make the reader wish they were in a nuclear winter" prose.

Here's a sample from page 3: "When he got back the boy was asleep. He pulled the blue plastic tarp off of him and folded it and carried it out to the grocery cart and packed it and came back with their plates and some cornmeal cakes in a plastic bag and plastic bottle of syrup. He grabbed the gun at his side and checked to see that there were bullets and put it against his head and pulled the trigger and wondered why the author decided never to use a comma in the novel." Uh, the last sentence was my own. But you get the picture.

Second, I am reminded of the Family Guy where Brian is recounting the story of the Blair Witch project. Here is how it would sound about THE ROAD: "Nothing's happening...nothing's happening...something about a beach...nothing's happening...it's over. The reader looks pretty pissed."

Just Terrible:

THE CHRISTMAS TRAIN by David Baldacci
-Yup, the one book I read this year that I disliked more than THE ROAD. Laughably bad.

Okay, so I don't remember reading any other novels this year, so this'll have to do for now. Really just a quick way of reviewing a bunch of books. If I remember any others that I've read, I'll post on whether they were above or below THE ROAD line.

Not so Honey Funnies

2007-07-12T20:08:00.000-07:00

The fact that I have a bit of extra time, and the pure horribleness of this cartoon, has forced me to return and post. Keep in mind that I've had to see this box (my roommate's) on top of the refrigerator for far too long. But really, I think the cartoon speaks for itself - somebody just said "ah, screw it, kids are retarded anyway" and mailed it in. And for some reason, General Mills spent the money to draw it up and have it put on their boxes.

What is so horrible, you ask? Well, let me include a transcript below, in case you can't read it:

(Announcer): With the bases loaded and two outs here in the ninth, the home team may be in trouble. They're out of relief pitchers. [Convenient situation...I'm sure they are truly doomed]

(Stupid Bee #1): How about Buzz?

(Buzz): I'm game to give it a try, but my hands are all sticky. [Not going there...]

(Stupid Bee #1): C'mon Buzz we need ya.

(Stupid Bee #2): Strike this guy out and it's game over.

(Announcer): Fans, it looks like Buzz will go with a tight grip on the pitch. Now here's the wind up and the pitch...He struck 'em out! Buzz threw a sticky one right over the plate, then pulled it back before their big Slugger could get a hold of it.

(Stupid Bee #3?): You had some sweet stuff out there Buzz!

(Buzz): Yeah, I just tried to stick to my pitch. [Even Kobe shows more modesty in his postgame interviews]

Now, I understand this is for kids. We need to accept that bees play baseball in this universe, and that they talk. We'll ignore the "cheating" of using an illegal substance for similar reasons. Heck, I'll even grant that honey will indeed shoot out like that, only to snap the ball back. I accept all of that, but here...

3) They run out of relief pitchers? Really? What actually happened to this last pitcher? Is he going in for Tommy John surgery right now? Wouldn't the horrors of whatever arm-shattering injury that would cause this pitcher to leave with two out AND TWO STRIKES in the ninth warrant a mention in the midst of the celebration? And the rules allow for someone IN THE STANDS to play, but not for one of the position players to pitch for a second time?

2) They mention that the home team is pitching. This means that EVEN IF BUZZ FAILS, they still have another at-bat. This is not necessarily an error, I understand, except that clearly the designer is trying to heighten the suspense, and I have no doubt that he or she did not understand what was going on. I mean, there was really nobody who knew anything about baseball anywhere near the design of this? It would take what, all of five seconds to look up "does the home team bat last?" on google? "Home Advantage" on Wikipedia is the first search result BTW.

3) THE WHOLE PREMISE OF WHY HE CAN STRIKE OUT THE 'SLUGGER' IS FLAWED: "Buzz threw a sticky one right over the plate, then pulled it back before their big Slugger could get a hold of it." For the ball to change direction, it would need to SLOW DOWN, STOP (presumably "right over the plate", as if on a tee), and then accelerate again backwards. Hittable during this whole time. I wanted to do the math, just for the heck of it...

Normal conditions: Assuming a 60 mph pitch (I'm not certain how fast bees can throw), and a "hittable" zone of about 1 foot in length (i.e. in that first part of the foot you'd be early and pull it way foul, in the last part you would be way late), the pitch will be in that hittable zone for 11.4 milliseconds.

Buzz conditions: Assuming the honey "catches" and deceleration begins (constant, which is a simplification) 9 feet prior to this hitting zone, the deceleration will be about 387.5 f/s^s, and the ball will be in that hitting zone for a whopping 145.5 milliseconds. That's nearly 13 times as long as a normal pitch! For the batter to have swung late, it would've been the equivalent of swinging late on the 60 mph pitch after it was 11 feet BEHIND THE CATCHER.

Once again, I understand this is a child's cartoon. But the whole "edge" is supposed to be this "honey" factor, which actually makes the ball 13 times MORE HITTABLE. You're better off having the ball break in a crazy way, like Bugs Bunny balls that just jump sideways and away from the bat. Or just have somebody who knows anything write these. Otherwise, we'll start jacking up our kids intuitions of how physical bodies move. I'm surprised they figured out a way to draw this blunder...

Other rants not to make the cut:

SMUSH PARKER - the worst point-guard to have started in the history of the NBA?

ATLANTA - the most backwater major metropolitan area in the world?

I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER (I can't help wondering) - why so many wannabe intellectuals use this incorrect phrasing?

THE MCDONALD'S MONOPOLY GAME - where's Boardwalk?

Wow

2007-03-18T21:12:00.000-07:00

Well, I wanted to put my picks up in a "public" forum (I put public in quotes because it suggests people actually read this) so that when everything happened, I would look like a genius. Hmm, didn't seem to happen that way, did it?

I've got three rotten eggs to hand out, and they go to the following three schools - Notre Dame, Maryland, and Arizona. You will forever incur my wrath in future tournaments.

Notre Dame, my sleeper pick for the elite eight, out in the first f***** round?! Come on, these games are going on over St. Patrick's Day weekend, the Irish version of Christmas! (And no, I don't want to hear any smart responses saying that "Christmas" is the Irish Christmas). My only hope, as my buddy Ben pointed out, is that we'll be able to slaughter them next year in football. Is it to late to hope that Brady Quinn doesn't get drafted in the first round?

Second, I cannot understand the Maryland loss. I mean, has anybody even seen A.J. Graves?! Do me a favor - print out a picture of Graves, stare at it in your room, and you tell me how they lost to Butler.

Finally, Arizona's loss was pathetic. Makes the Pac-10 look bad. They had waaaay more talent (4 players on Forde's top 100 board), like, final four talent.

Wisconsin's loss was comforting, however. Oh well.

March Madness - Midwest

2007-03-14T23:16:00.000-07:00

So I know it's kind of late, but, like most things, I seem to get this stuff done the night before. I was doing research for filling out my bracket, and figured I might as well share it here, so I can look like an idiot soon enough (tomorrow around 10 am I presume). Anyhow, I was going to post a thing on the whole tourney, but only got around to doing the Midwest bracket. Here it is:

Florida over Jackson State: No reason needed.

Arizona over Purdue: Arizona, despite its inconsistent in games, is actually quite consistent in who they beat or lose to. Their losses - at Virginia, Wash St (x2), Oregon(x2), USC(x2), UCLA(x2) - are all to teams that have a 5-seed or better. Their wins over tournament teams - UNLV, Illinois, Stanford (x2), Lousville, and Memphis - show they can take care of any worse seeds than that. Only their victory over Memphis seems uncharacteristic (if Memphis actually deserves its seed). Thus, we would expect them to take care of business against Purdue (expect 10+ point victory), while predictably losing against a better team in Florida in the second round. Purdue’s resume is weak overall, and there is nothing that suggests they deservera 9 seed, much less have a chance in a victory over Zona.

Butler over Old Dominion: Sold on the 12-5 upset being ODU over Butler? Don’t be. Butler’s “fade” down the stretch involves two losses against Wright St, one loss against S. Illinois (close), and a loss to Loyola-Chi. What do Wright St. and Loyola-Chi have in common? They both have guards as their best players, with Dashaun Wood (19.8 ppg) for Wright St and Blake Schilb (17.0 ppg) for Loyola-Chi. Wood torched Butler for 30 and 27 in his two games, and Schilb got them for them for 28. Even their loss to So Ill was fueled by 20 points from Tatum (who averages 15), suggesting that Butler is vulnerable to high guard scoring.

ODU is led in scoring by a forward (Vasylius), with their top guard (Williamson) only averaging 11.3 ppg. Meanwhile, though Butler has shown they can get it done against the better teams (Notre Dame, Gonzaga, Tennessee), ODU has no real victory except an early season fluke against Georgetown.

Maryland over Davidson: Maryland’s point differential (+11.4), as well as shooting 0.090 better from the field than opponents, cannot be ignored, especially given that it played in the ACC. They beat a good and rising (though non-tournament) NC-State team that was playing for a berth by 20 in the ACC tourney (and UNC the week before). The loss to Miami seems to be an aberration, shooting only .167 from 3 point range (typically .383) and .386 from the field (typically .479), while still managing to keep Miami’s FG percentage at .350. This is a good team.

Davidson is a team that has one top-tier player (Stephen Curry, a Freshmen guard averaging 21.2 ppg) and has taken care of business against weaker teams, but ultimately looked outclassed against any of the better teams. It’s win at Arizona State by 5 is about all they can attest to, but then again AZ St. finished last in the PAC-10, so…(Note: Because of Butler’s weakness, Davidson would actually be a better candidate for an upset than ODU it seems).

Anyhow, Maryland could be up there with the other top-tier teams, and might very well pull an LSU this year. I’ll take Maryland over Butler for next round as well.

Notre Dame over Withrop: Notre Dame appears to have a good deal of fluctuation in who they beat versus lose to - which would seem to make them a prime candidate for a first round loss (or a deep run). Furthermore, Withrop has hung around and played well enough against some upper echelon teams (UNC, Wisconsin).

However, Notre Dame plays particularly well against teams who get the bulk of their scoring from guards (beating Maryland and Marquette), while struggling against teams with better forwards (St. John‘s, S. Florida). Unfortunately for Withrop, their top two scorers (Jenkins and Martin) happen to be guards.

Note that Oregon’s top three scorers players happen to be guards as well (Brooks, Taylor, and Porter), leading me to take Notre Dame over Oregon as well.

Oregon over Miami (OH): Miami OH is garbage, they got in because of winning the automatic bid. They should probably beat a 16 seed. Regardless, I just want to say that I believe Oregon is a solid team, but all too vulnerable to get torched by a hot guard (Falls/Carter of Notre Dame could do them in). Regardless, the second round guard match-ups between Oregon and Notre Dame should be good.

Georgia Tech over UNLV: Georgia Tech is a pretty solid (3-5) against teams that are in the 5-7 seed range in this tourney. I would argue that all of those teams are better than UNLV. Furthermore, UNLV has shown some vulnerability against teams in the higher seeds of the tourney (losing to Arizona once, BYU once, and Air-Force once [who didn’t even make the dance]). This is perhaps the closest to a 50-50 game in this bracket, and maybe I’m calling it this way because I have to pick at least one upset in the Midwest in the first-round, but Georgia Tech is my call here. They get the edge because they have more experience playing the high caliber teams, and because when both teams are playing their best, Gtech is undoubtedly the better of the two.

Wisconsin over Texas A&M CC: No reason needed for this win. Note on Wisconsin: they are perhaps the least dangerous 2-seed I can remember in recent years. Does that mean they’re a bad team? No - simply that they take care of business, but aren’t likely to upset any of the better teams. They slow the game down enough to let Tucker, their only real scorer, win the game for them. I’m tempted to take GA Tech over them, but they are too consistent for that. I’d like to answer the following questions - what happened at Indiana, and what happened the first time at Mich St? - but I can’t. Regardless, these guys will not make the Elite Eight, so I’m having them bow out against Notre Dame (or Oregon, if for some reason I’m not perfect in my other picks).

To recap:
1st Round: Florida over Jackson St.
Arizona over Purdue
Butler over ODU
Maryland over Davidson
Notre Dame over Withrop
Oregon over Miami (OH)
Georgia Tech over UNLV

2nd Round: Florida over Arizona
Maryland over Butler
Notre Dame over Oregon
Wisconsin over Georgia Tech

3rd Round:

Maryland over Florida: A single win over an Oden-less Ohio State at home is the only reason we can speak about Florida as a title contender. Every other “big” win has come in a weak SEC conference. They are untested. The losses they’ve incurred have come against teams with a couple good guards to get it done. D.J. Strawberry and Mike Jones will have something to say in a Terps win over Florida.

Maryland over Florida
Notre Dame over Wisconsin

4th Round:

Maryland over Notre Dame: Yes, Notre Dame won earlier in the season, and yes, Notre Dame plays well against guards. But ultimately Maryland is a tier above - sorry Irish, but an Elite Eight performance is good, right?

Okay, well, that's that. If I'm not too shattered and depressed after the play tomorrow, perhaps I'll post another set of predictions on games that have not yet occurred.

For those of you still reading...

2006-10-23T23:34:00.000-07:00

It seems my laptop is virtually broken (more on that in a second), so I can't really use any applications other than my browser. This means that instead of working on my screenplay, I'll be updating this blog...for the five readers that still decide to check back on it. Here it goes...

New computer shopping
My laptop has been the Cher of laptops for the last few years - it seems more ancient than it is, money has been poured into its parts without much success, and even though it dies frequently and I secretly hope it will all be over, something manages to bring it back to life. I don't know what Cher's secret is, but for me it involves removing the memory, the harddrive, and the battery, then cramming everything back in and pushing the power button. I'm sick of it.

So today after work I decided to try my luck finding something at Best Buy. Now, as you may or may not know, I was once a World of Warcraft player, and would not object to becoming one again. I figured that it would be nice to buy a computer that could actually run the game properly this time. Unforunately, this is not something I necessarily wanted to advertise, especially to the Best Buy guy.

Our conversation went something like this:

Best Buy Guy - "Hi, can I help you?"

Me - "Uh, yah, I was looking for a laptop with a pretty good graphics card."

BBG - "Okay, what are you looking to use it for? Business, games, media...?"

Me (trying to be subtle here) - "You know, I want to be able to run the majority of applications..."

BBG - "Oh, well you don't need a great graphics card for that, check this one out -"

Me - "Well, I guess I want to be able to run most games on it as well."

BBG - "Like which? There's a pretty broad range of requirements."

At this point I'm trying to figure out whether it's worth risking the $1200 to possibly get the wrong graphics card, if it means I don't have to admit playing WoW to this guy.

Me - "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, like Call of Duty, and, I dunno, maybe World of Warcraft?"

BBG - "oh. Ohhhhh." Yup, when you can see the words "LOSER" forming in the 5'6, skinny, Geek Squad employee's head, that's when you know you've hit rock bottom. I walked home, ashamed (and by walked, I mean drove). I remain computerless.

Speaking of rock bottom
While I was visiting home for the weekend, I was asking my mom about her work (she's a teacher). Anyway, she got to talking about this guy that she works with:

Her - Yeah, he's about your age.

Me (playing with the dog) - Okay.

Her - He's really a smart guy. Graduated from Pepperdine, nice, good Christian.

Me - Um, that's great.

Her - Yah, he writes as well.

Me - Super.

Her - You know, it's too bad he isn't a girl, because I think you two would really hit it off.

Me (dropping the dog toy) - What?

Her - I'm just saying.

You see, some guys complain about how their mother's try to set them up with girls. My mom thinks so little of my chances that she doesn't even bother: my only hope for happiness was some parallel universe where this decent guy was a female, and since, by some cruel twist of cosmic fate, this is not the case, Current Universe Troy is destined for failure in this respect. Thanks, Mom (I'm just kidding...you know I love you).

Love of shopping...
I won't mention any names, but some time ago I was over at an apartment of girls and happened to arrive when Girl #1 had just come back from shopping. Now, all the cliche stories about how women love shopping and blah blah blah could not prepare me for what I saw, as it went something like this:

Girl #2: Let me see what you got.

Girl #1 (pulling out an item): Okay, first I got this.

Girl #2: You bitch!

Girl #1 : And also this...

Girl #2 : You whore!

Girl #1: And this as well...

Girl #2: YOUUUU BIIIIITTTTTTTTTCHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Now, after some slight confusion, I was able to figure out what was going on (pattern recognition baby). You see, screaming "you bitch" is actually a compliment in the female underground, and is actually the tail end of the following statement: "That looks fantastic. In fact, it looks so fantastic that I am jealous and wish I had purchased said item myself. However, due to the rigid laws of female friendship in regards to similar clothing, there is no possible way I can purchase that same item, in case we end up wearing at the same time and are humiliated. Thus, I dislike you for thwarting my chances of purchases such a fantastic item (in which you will look great), you bitch." (Similar argument holds true for "you whore").

And really, I was going to make more fun of this topic, but then I thought about how I feel when I get home from Borders. My roomates don't give a crap about what books I've bought, but I'm so excited about them, and I think if I could pry just one "you whore" out of them I would be on cloud nine. Alas, it is not to be.

Public Service Announcement
I thought, for the good of mankind, I should make the following announcement...you know the little girl from Remember the Titans? Well, you now see her now as the cheerleader in Heroes, and boy is she all grown up, right? WRONG. She's 16. Let it go.

On the plus side, I have found an extremely satisfying way of annoying my roomates. You sneak up behind them, and then whisper in their ear, "Save the Cheerleader, save the world!". The whispered quote has already been spoken so much in previews that it is bound to drive them insane. I actually stayed up all night yesterday hovering over my roomate while he slept, whispering those 6 words, just so I could see if he believed them when he woke up. No luck so far, but there's still time to go.

I should sleep
Perhaps you didn't know, but in the time since I last posted, I've become ancient. I now work at a software company and go to sleep at decent hours. My only hope for escape is if my screenplay about SHARK ZOMBIES pans out...(just kidding about the topic, unless you're a Hollywood producer and want to make the movie, then it's all good).

Don't call it a comeback

2006-07-02T22:19:00.000-07:00

Well, now that I've officially eliminated my entire audience, I suppose it's time to start posting again. So here it goes...

The 10 Coolest Movie Characters
Let me preface this with a lengthy discussion about what I am talking about, and lay down some of the ground rules. First of all, I'm thinking of more action/thriller related characters, so they have to be able to kick the crap out of an enemy, but do so with a certain coolness. The type of characters that are calm, even in the face of death, and are likeable enough that you cheer for them. Basically, the kind of character that you (read: me) want to be. Second, these characters cannot be the main guys who the movie is based around - they are more of a pleasant treat that you find. Otherwise you just get a huge list of characters that are larger than life - Bruce Willis in the Die Hards, Batman, William Wallace, Russell Crowe in Gladiator, Travis Bickle from Taxy Driver, the Godfather, etc. You will notice that there ARE some actors in here that seem to have a starring role - but the movie isn't based around them per se, and if my definition of "main" character is a little vague, so be it.

The Wolf Situation
Often times you get a character - like the Wolf from Pulp Fiction - that is freaking awesome, but the role is just too small for it to actually steal the show in the movie, and so I have to leave them off the list. Also in this category would be "Lucky Luciano" from Hoodlum and "Capt. Speirs" from Band of Brothers (and I left him out because of the whole debate over whether a mini-series could be placed in the movie category).

The Heat Situation
Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino split the leading role in this, and they are both just too cool in this movie to spite by putting the other in the list. I won't even mention the fact that Val Kilmer is also sick in this - wait, I just did. Point is, I don't want to have to pick one from Heat, so I'm ignoring the whole situation. To a lesser degree this goes for Men in Black, since either Will Smith or Tommy Lee Jones could be placed on the list if either was clearly defined as a "supporting" character.

Honorable Mentions

Madmartigan, Val Kilmer, Willow - came close to cracking the top ten, but isn't necessarily always cool, and I just don't feel like he's top ten material.

Wolverine, Hugh Jackman, X-men - obviously wolverine is awesome, but there is no surprise factor here, especially since it comes from a known awesome comicbook hero. Furthermore, the story is told so much from Wolverine's perspective that I wonder if we might get into a "main character" controversy here.

Javier Rodriguez, Benicio Del Toro, Traffic - to be a straight cop willing to take on the drug cartels in Mexico, basically by yourself, you have to have balls. He gets hurt by the movie's realism, since he's not quite at that "I can take on anybody" point, and thus can’t crack the top 10.

Dr. Peter Venkman, Bill Murray, Ghostbusters - maybe it's because this was a comedy, but he always had a witty remark in the face of danger. Of course, the strikes are obvious - not quite badass enough, and too much of a main character.

Fee Herod "The Kid", Leonardo Di Caprio, The Quick and the Dead - maybe it's just me, but out of all the other stars in this movie (Gene Hackman, Sharon Stone, Russell Crowe), I was cheering for The Kid to win this one. Still, cockiness and skill can only get you so far - badassness is required to make the leap to top ten.

Staff Sgt. Sykes, Jamie Fox, Jarhead - you get the feeling that he's invincible. Unfortunately, we never get to see him actually fight, so this invincibility is never put to the test.

Gay Perry, Val Kilmer, Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang - hilarious and cool through pretty much everything. Val Kilmer could have been on the top ten list like 6 times in my opinion (think also Spartan and Salton Sea and Heat, not to mention Batman!), but I'm trying to keep some diversity in the group.

Pvt. Daniel Jackson (the Sniper), Barry Pepper, Saving Private Ryan - no, he doesn't necessarily steal the show...Tom Hanks is too good for that. But whenever people pick their favorite other character from this movie, it seems to be the sniper, and there's something to be said for that. That something's just not top 10.

THE LIST - TOP 10
10) Denton Van Zan, Matthew McConaughey, Reign of Fire - forget the inherent "this is not such a great movie" bias. All I remember is that when Denton came rolling in on a tank, ready to kick the crap out of dragons that Christian Bale cowers from, I knew that I really wanted to BE him. Seriously. Maybe that says more about me then the character, but whatever...

9) Trinity, Carrie-Anne Moss, The Matrix - honestly, it was hard to find a female character that fit the bill. There are not many hardcore roles written for women, and when they are, usually the girl is the main character (a la Kill Bill, Underworld, etc.). Furthermore, I was going to choke on my own vomit before putting Michelle Rodriguez anywhere near this list. But Trinity does have credentials going for her - she's the main character in arguably one of the best opening scenes of all time. There is no doubt she kicks butt, but I would be more comfortable with this pick if Morpheus weren't equally as awesome in the movie (though he lacks her opening scene).

8) Mickey O'Neil, Brad Pitt, Snatch - the fact that he's a skinny dude who can knock out anyone with one punch, combined with the fact that he's completely unintelligible, brands him as top ten material. I will thus talk a bit about Brad Pitt, and why he also could have had several other characters in the top ten, were in not for some of the rules. Tyler Durden is awesome but ultimately too unlikeable as a person for me, Jeffrey Goines in Twelve Monkeys is too small a role, and Achilles is just...well...too cheesy. That's my rationale, in case you were thinking I just forgot about some other characters.

7) Sands, Johnny Depp, Once Upon a Time in Mexico - Antonio Banderas who? Watching this otherwise mediocre movie, you keep wondering when they are going to get back to Sands. There are few cooler images in movie history than when Sands is getting ready for his blind showdown, putting on the black gloves, his dark shades on, blood streaming down his cheeks from his eyes, all the while knowing he's probably going to get killed.

6) Richard B. Riddick, Vin Diesel, Pitch Black - forget Fast and Furious, forget XXX. Vin Diesel is most hardcore as this "criminal" that has to save them all from alien beasts. This is the movie that made him a "star", or whatever he is now, and for good reason - not only is it the best of his roles, it's the best of his movies (excluding Saving Private Ryan, which wasn't really "his" movie).

5) Aragorn, Viggo Mortensen, Lord of the Rings - this should go without saying, getting the nod for "best character in one of the best movies". Unfortunately, he doesn't climb much higher because of other competition in the same movie - Gandalf and Legolas - and the fact that Aragorn seems to get less "badass" and more just "good" as the movies progress. As Strider he has a more dangerous side, but as he progresses towards becoming the king, he loses some of that edge. Mainly though, like the 2005 Pistons, it is hard to pick just one character from such a great cast to be the MVP.

4) Jules Winnfield, Samuel L. Jackson, Pulp Fiction - SAY 'WHAT' ONE MORE...you know what, we all know the quotes, and why Jules should be here. He is eligible because he turns from a primarily bad to a primarily good character by the end, even though his hair remains ridiculous throughout.

3) Jack Sparrow, Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Carribean - he has a way of appearing completely insane and yet completely in control at all times. He's seen death too many times to worry about it, and if his credentials are embellished by hearsay and rumors, that's not his fault. The only real argument to be made against him being placed here is that he is a main character, but I would say he's more of a Han Solo to Orlando Bloom's Luke Skywalker...Orlando Bloom's character is the real protagonist here. And Capt. Jack Sparrow is just too awesome to leave off.

2) Doc Holliday, Val Kilmer, Tombstone - So what if the actual person wasn't nearly as cool as this character, we're rating according to the movie here. If I had a southern accent, I would spend every waking hour coming up with the best context with which to use the phrases "I'm your huckleberry" and "My hypocrisy only goes so far". There are so many awesome moments to speak of here, but my favorite moment has to be when a drunk Doc Holliday is spinning his cup perfectly in response to the another's gun tricks.

1) Han Solo, Harrison Ford, Star Wars - I don't think any character will ever beat this brand of "indifferent mercenary turned hero with a heart". He doesn't need some cheap magical force to rock stormtroopers and tie fighters - he does it all on his own. Honestly, who wouldn't want to be Han Solo, if for no other reason than that you end up with Leia? Done deal.

That’s it for now, check back some other time.

Why I didn't wear underwear this weekend...

2006-04-24T18:54:00.000-07:00

between the hours of 4 am Friday to 11 am Monday. No ladies, don't get too jealous, it wasn't like that at all.

The Road to Vegas
It started with a phone call. Or rather, it started with 22 phone calls - that was how many I either dialed or received as 7 guys tried to figure out whether we would stay in a room in Vegas Thursday or would just drive to Lake Mead Friday morning. Of course, when Ben booked a hotel room without our knowledge, it pretty much sealed our fate.

We were headed to Mead in the first place for my buddy Kyle's bachelor party. We were setting out on the houseboat Friday afternoon, but as we were suddenly going to Vegas on Thursday night, I didn't have all that much time to pack (this really wasn't very difficult - just a couple pairs of board shorts and T-shirts - and hence the no underwear) or to EAT. I was hungry by the time we left. Torch was not (this comes into play later).

Anyhow, we all decided to stop in Barstow for food. I was famished by this point, and as we pulled up to a Jack-in-the-Box, we debated eating there, but Torch was stuck on Wendy's. "I know there's a Wendy's just up ahead, and honestly, don't you think it's worth the wait?" Well, maybe it would've been. But a few miles after Barstow, we looked up the nearest Wendy's on Stephen's nav system, and there was NOTHING. Not only that, there was NO FOOD FOR 60 miles. So we come to lesson #1 for the trip: never trust the guy who's not that hungry to pick out a food place.

Perhaps it wasn't so bad, because in Vegas we found an order of steak and eggs for $2.99, and Stephen, Torch, and myself each got 2 orders of this. I've never eaten so much for $6 in my life.

The Night in Vegas
Somehow, for the seven guys, Ben had managed to book the freaking Honeymoon Suite. This consisted of the following items:

1) One king-sized bed

2) One shower with transparent door, completely unhidden from the rest of the room.

3) One hot tub, located precisely in the middle of the room, so that you passed it walking from the door to the bed.

4) One bidet. If you don't know what that is, here is the dictionary.com definition: "A fixture similar in design to a toilet that is straddled for bathing the genitals and the posterior parts."

If you think that seven guys between the ages of 21 and 24 are mature enough to handle such a situation, you are sorely mistaken. But perhaps this event best illustrates our 4 hour stay in the hotel room:

I'm not sure how much money was involved in the bet, but eventually Stephen was convinced to use the bidet. It was enough for most of us to sit back and wait for the inevitable shriek that was to come. But for Muscles, this would not do.

Stephen's first mistake was leaving the door open. Yeah, I know, you would think that the one married guy in the group would NOT be the one watching another guy use the bidet, but Muscles claimed it was going to be "too hilarious to miss". He was right. First of all, Stephen began by facing the wrong way on the bidet. He hovered over the porcelain as a steady stream of water started to emerge. But apparently it was too strong for his liking, and so before making the jump, he decided to turn it down a bit. Unfortunately, he twisted the knob in the wrong direction, and a powerful jet shot up from the bidet (we later discovered it could reach the ceiling) and right into his FACE. What came next was straight out of a slapstick comedy - Stephen struggling for breath, gurgling out the toilet water, as he attempted to turn the whole thing off. Muscles fell down on the floor laughing. Nobody else dared to face the wrath of the bidet.

And so we have the 2nd lesson from the trip: if you find a foreign object in the bathroom, make sure you know with absolute certainty how to use it before diving in.

Other Highlights of the weekend
- The navigation system turning our 30 minute ride from Vegas to Mead into 2.5 hours. You start to wonder if that smug voice is purposely trying to get you killed. Stupid smug voice.

- Ed spending a night going up $360 at roulette, only to lose $320 the next morning in under three minutes. "It can't be red 5 times in a row." Yes Ed, yes it can. "What are the chances it goes red 6 times in a row?!" After it's gone 5 times in a row, about 50%. "Dude, there is NO WAY it's going red for a 7th time!" Well, I suppose he was still up $40 on the weekend.

-2 games of Risk, and 6 games of mafia. For a day and a half, you wouldn't have known we were on a boat in the middle of a lake. This led to the brilliant idea of having a Risk and Mafia night in our apartment.

- Another lesson learned: Gatorade might be good for refueling athletes, but it is even BETTER for helping you continue that 4 hour argument.

- When you and your buddy come to an "agreement" in Risk, and he proceeds to leave his back open, you should feel fully okay with marching your troops through his, taking Australia, and stealing his cards. On the other hand, just don't expect to have a friend when it's over with. Lesson #4: friends come and go, but you'll always remember that game of Risk you played that one time on the boat.

- There was plenty of other fun to be had, but the people demand FUN-NY, not fun.

Response to comments:
'"The Giving Tree is Not a Chump" is from the opening credits of The Simpsons from somewhere around season 13. . . I think they were getting desperate for ideas by then. So um. . . What kind of prize do I get? And why haven't you dazzled hot chicks into dating you with your intellect and sparkling wit yet?' - Penelope

Wow, that was a detailed answer, and I appreciate it. I already explained what the prizes were...perhaps you would enjoy a cookie if ever in the LA area? Furthermore, I don't know if "dazzled" is the right word for getting hot chicks, I was thinking more "tricked". I'm trying the following line on for size:

Hot chick: Hello?

Me: Don't you not want to avoid not going out with me?

Brilliant.

Final Note:

After Steve Nash got the MVP, I can't wait for Kobe to just dismantle the Suns in this series. It's gonna be sweet.

The giving tree is not a chump

2006-04-09T22:14:00.000-07:00

The above quote is funny because, let's be honest, the giving tree is the very definition of a CHUMP. This quote is not mine, but if you can place it, you win a prize(*).

(*) Prize differs for men and women. If a women wins, she gets a choice between a free make-out with me or a cookie. If a guy wins, he may substitute a free make-out with Jessica Alba (Jess and I are tight, though we decided a long time ago that we would just be friends. I helped her move, so she owes me one...)

About the long time between updates
On this matter, I have no excuse, except that I am waaaaaaaaaaay too cool to be updating a blog constantly. Also, you may not know that "Troy Masters" is actually a psuedonym for "Luc Richard Mbah a Moute", and so with UCLA making it all the way to the finals of the NCAA tournament, I have been super busy. I suppose that would be classified as an "excuse" as well. This is not an apology.

Lost in a fishtank?
If you're wondering what cool people do in their free time (other than updating their blog), my answer would be watching "LOST". Sometimes, this involves watching the entire 24 episodes of season 1 in a weekend. Such was the case for myself and my roomate a few weeks ago, when we suffered an extremely awkward few hours.

It all started in the afternoon. This should've set off a warning right away, because the only season of 24 to start in the afternoon was season 3, and this was clearly the worst of the bunch. But since I had no idea anything was "starting", I went on in sweet ignorance. Our neighbors across the way invited us to a kegger, and I said we might stop by sometime (knowing we probably wouldn't).

Anyhow, around 11 pm we took a break from watching LOST to play some ultimate frisbee. Now, I know what you're thinking - that someone playing frisbee in college is about as suprising as seeing Antonio Banderas in a dance movie (he's Spanish, it was only a matter of time) - but I swear I'm not one of those douches that plays frisbee because it's mildly cool and I'm not athletic enough to play any other sport. Basically, with a light up frisbee, it's about the only sport you can play on a dark field at midnight.

After finishing the game, we headed into our apartment. Or rather, tried to get back in the apartment. I was wearing a sweaty T-shirt and sweats, while Torch was sporting his ridiculous blue headband - and we walked into a crowd of people dressed suprisingly formal for a kegger. Everyone in the courtyard stared at us in disgust as we tried to squeeze by, as if WE were the ones that had no right to get to our apartment. Furthermore, as we were opening our door finally, our drunk neighbor came by and told us we really SHOULD change and come by, but first we had to answer a question: "what's with the cult thing you have going on in your apartment?". At first I thought he said "cold thing", to which I was about to respond with "um, refrigerator?", but he repeated the question once more. I told him it was our Bible Study, then invited him in for some Kool-Aid and plastic bags.

Really, though, it wasn't the awkwardness of walking in that killed us. It was after we had showered and put in an episode of LOST. You see, our apartment is on the first floor and has a giant sliding glass door that points directly across to our neighbors, so that if neither of the blinds are closed you can the entirety of our neighbor's living room from our own place. Our blinds have not been closed since we've been here, primarily because they are all bent out of shape, are blocked by a bunch of crap left by a former roomate, and because we don't really do anything scandalous in the living room (except on naked dancing Thursdays). Unfortunately, it DID create problems on this night. Our neighbor could see that we were fully showered and had no intention of coming over. But much worse than this, half the people at the party decided that they wanted to see the two losers that were just sitting around watching episodes of LOST. This created the fishbowl effect: "See these two nerds in their natural habitat...if we're lucky, we might get to see a brief period of activity. Wait, wait...I think I see it...YES, he IS going for the remote control...folks, we've found that this happens about once every 42 minutes, as reliable as Old Faithful."

The ironic thing is that you wonder if this fishbowl effect is really what LOST is all about. Is it just some giant psychological experiment, with each character's every move analyzed? Probably not.

Utility Theory of Dating
Now, people are always asking me, "do you think I should ask out/date this girl/guy?". Often times, advice given in such situations is vague, without an obvious answer. Especially when deciding between girls. But here I would like to fuse Utility Theory and dating - and we will get a rational, numerically based system to determine what course of action to pursue.

The principals of utility theory
Expected utility (EU) of an action is the sum of the product of the utility (U) of every possible outcome of that action times the probability (P) of this event occurring given the action. In terms of dating, we could see that an equation would looking something like:

EU(asking Scarlet Johanssen out) = P(she says yes)* U(her saying yes) + P(she says no) * U (her saying no).

Now, P(she says yes) is just the probability that Scarlet Johanssen would agree to go out with or date you. This number seems clear enough. For U(her saying yes), this is the utility of her saying yes, which we could translate into how happy you are if she says yes, which can then be transformed into just how you would rate her for yourself. We calculate U based on our Utility Function, which for this case will probably be some combination of attractiveness + personality + compatibility. We would expect U (her saying no) to be negative, since her saying no would probably make us less happy than we were (getting rejected always hurts a little). Thus, an example for Scarlet Johanssen would look something like:

EU = 0.01 * 95 + 0.99 * -5 = -4. For this calculation, I assumed that my odds were 1% of her saying yes, and I would give her a 95, and I would assume my happiness would decrease by 5 if she says no (after all, I don't know her very well, and I didn't expect much anyway).

Now, the idea of having a rating system or "Utility Function" for girls is nothing new. Plenty of guys do it. But this in itself is lacking something. After all, since most guys are shallow, it would always be supermodels and movie stars that received the highest utility, and thus the only rational decision for most guys would be to ask out every supermodel and movie star before asking out any "regular" girls. Yet this doesn't happen. Instead, we need to build in an element of the probability of a girl saying yes.

Oh, and it should go without mentioning that the rational decision for a Utility system is to choose the action with the highest Expected Utility.

Some Calibration
It might seem like a good idea to rate girls on a simple scale of 0-100. This would put a girl that you would just barely NOT want to go out with at 49. But suppose we do this calculation, and suppose we know this girl is interested, so that the chances of her saying yes are at nearly 100%. Furthermore, you wouldn't care at all if she said no. This would put her EU at around 50. But this is higher than the EU of a girl who is a perfect 100 that you have a 50% chance of dating, yet would feel hurt about if rejected by her! Clearly, it is better to take the 50% chance on the 100 than to go for a girl that you have no interest in dating at all. Thus, we have to calibrate our system: I would recommend starting a girl that you are indifferent to dating at a 0, and having a scale between about -50 and 50. Here are what some of my calculations look like (it goes without saying that I will include no names):

Girl A: EU = 0.7 * 10 + 0.3 * -5 = 5.5

Girl B: EU = 0.2 * 42 + 0.8 * -7 = 4.4

Girl C: EU = 0.4 * 40 + 0.6 * -12 = 8.8

Lindsey Soto (I mean, Girl D): 0.05 * 44 + 0.95 * -2 = 0.3

You wouldn't do calculations for girls with negatives for their utility function. According to above, the rational decision would be for me to ask out girl C.

Book Reviews in Brief
Devil in the White City - an interesting book, and I learned a good deal about the World's Fair in Chicago. However, a little ways into the book it becomes clear that the Dr. Holmes plot is much more intriguing, and this creates some annoyance with the main Fair plot. It is for this exact reason that I just decided to read _In Cold Blood_ by Capote.

For Whom the Bell - after I got through the first quarter, and actually started caring about the characters, it was an enjoyable read. It once again fell into the predictable Hemingway routine of "artifically sad", but the character of Maria did make me decide I want to date a girl that can speak Spanish.

Wicked - suprisingly my favorite of the books I've read recently. Totally different from what I expected, especially based on the few songs I've heard from the musical. It is a little weird, and probably rated R for language, violence, and strong sexual content, yet there seems to be a purpose for these things. My one complaint would be that the ending seemed rushed, and it didn't tie up all the loose ends. And to think, I always thought this book was only enjoyed by Femnazis.

Tipping Point - the most interesting part of the book was definitely the case studies. At first it seemed like it would have a solid theory full of practical knowledge, but as the book went on it really just retreated to the position on the cover, that "small things can make a big difference." All the other terms you learn just seem to disappear in the latter case studies. Still an interesting read, if for no other reason that looking at the ebb and flow of various trends.

Goodnight
Hope you appreciated the monster update. I know, it wasn't very funny, but you can deal with it. I'm off to do some "serious" writing.

La, La, La, La, you'll be popular - just not quite as popular as meeeeeeeeee!

2006-03-02T15:41:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm updating, trying to take my mind of the sweet 16 IM basketball and soccer games that are coming up. Anyway, here we go...

Why Armageddon (the movie, not the actual end of the world) is so great
Armageddon is one of those TNT movies that whenever they show it, I just have to watch whatever is left. This means I've caught the end of it about 3 times in the last week. And you know what? I never get tired of it.

First of all, Armageddon is probably the only movie that makes me want to cry every time I see it. Cry with sadness, cry with joy, cry for both at the same time. Lines like "permission to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I've ever met" or "that man isn't a salesman, he's your daddy!" are so hokey, but I don't freaking care! And when all the astronaughts are walking back at the end in the same spots as at the beginning, only the dead guys are gone, you just don't know how to react...

Yes, I understand the movie is not very original. Yes, the shaky cam gets old in a HURRY and there are only so many times Ben Affleck can almost die before you want to finish the job yourself. But there's a winning formula in this movie - having a cast of random characters that are all lovable in their own ways, getting you attached to the characters, and then throwing in a healthy amount of humor and action. Honestly, what's not to love about all the characters singing a terrible rendition of "leaving on a jetplane" before they head off into space?

Now, I know what you're going to ask: "if Ben Affleck is in the movie, doesn't that automatically make it crappy? After all, he sucks..." Normally I would agree with this assessment, however, let me direct your attention to the chart above.

As you can see, Ben Affleck can still be somewhat effective, as long as his role isn't too large. Sure, he's not at his peak as in Good Will Hunting, but with his lines taken by cooler actors, such as Billy Bob, Bruce Willis, and Steve Buschemi, he can do a competant job of acting as the smart-alecky young gun. Some of his love scenes with Liv Tyler are brutal, but keep this in mind - 1) Liv Tyler is hot, so you can always watch the parts on mute, and 2) it is an essential element of the story, one which makes our vested interest in the outcome of the mission that much greater. If Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck make us care about what happens in space, it is Liv Tyler and Billy Bob that make us care about the people on Earth.

Bus Story Number 1 on the day
The other day, when it was raining, a homeless man decided he wanted to get on the bus. He didn't have the 75 cents, but after a little arguing with the bus driver, the driver just gave up and let him on. What is truly priceless/tragic is the look that everybody on the bus gets when this happens...just sheer terror. He ended up sitting down in the seat in front of me, prompting two other people to blatantly stand up and head for the back of the bus.

Anyhow, he pulled a black marker and his cardboard sign. At this point, he turned to me and asked "how do you spell wife?". I told him, but this sparked some of my curiosity, considering the fact that he probably wasn't married. A few minutes later, he turned around and asked, "how do you spell kidnapped?". Now I was smiling - and as I told him the letters, he would have to repeat them super loud, with statements like: "N as in N*****?, or P as in P****?", which, as you can imagine, got tiresome for everyone nearby on the bus.

Finally, he completed his sign, and showed it to me proudly: "My Wife ben kidnapped and I need $1.98 to get the bitch back." I suggested that this wasn't very believable, or that perhaps he should use a more endearing term when referring to his supposed wife, but these suggestions were met with a comment that should probably not be repeated.

Bus drivers are people too?
Yesterday, when riding home from school, I saw this lady smiling brightly at an upcoming bus stop. I knew this was suspicious - NOBODY, and I mean NOBODY, is ever happy before getting on the bus. But when the driver opened the door, she came on and handed him a sack lunch, then kissed him on the cheek and asked when he was going to be home. He sheepishly answered, and I could tell he was a bit embarassed by the whole situation, to have his wife bringing him his lunch. But I'm sure he also enjoyed it a little. Which made me think of something - when one day robots take over the driving of the bus, will their robot wives ever bring them a sack lunch on the bus? Sadly, no, because robots don't need to eat. And they don't show emotion. This will be missed.

Speaking of Robots
I put on my ubernerd cap for the last week, programming the artificial intelligence for a robot in a weeklong competition that ended Wednesday at noon. Laugh if you like, but the prize is 10G, 5G, and 3G for first, second, and third respectively, so I think it was worth it. I find out this upcoming Wednesday if I won (which I know I didn't, but whatever). Honestly, what could be cooler than programming clones in pseudo-assembly to disable the evil drones and infuse their logic into them, thus creating 70 clones to harvest energy from radioactive sludge and drop it off at the proper release points? Nothing.

Facial Hair February is gone...
So I was talking to this girl the other day (yeah, it happens occasionally) and she's like, "so, uhh, are you like going to be one of those people that ALWAYS has facial hair?". As if there is this subhuman category of men that grow permanent facial hair. Yeah, this less evolved group that occasionally pokes its head out of the sewers to perform some sort of criminal act, but for the most part stays safely underground to consume its diet of rats. She insists that she "wasn't passing judgement". Riiiigghhht, just like I'm not passing judgement when I say "Is Seann William Scott ever going to play a character that's not a Stifler clone?"

Yeah, so I might be shaving soon...but for a TOTALLY different reason. Honestly ladies, can you tell me that Pau Gasol isn't the hottest guy in the NBA right now?

Exquisite, isn't it, how this kid is legit...

2006-02-14T22:36:00.000-08:00

Holy crap, the real world
For one, I suppose my real life is going to start sooner than imagined. Basically, after talking to my counseler last quarter, it was my understanding that I did not need to do anything to get accepted into the Master's program for engineering, provided I get the proper GPA for the program. However, after looking over this program yet again, it turns out I WAS supposed to turn in an application - approximately two months ago. This means my year of buffer is just gone.

Let me give an example from 24 to describe what this is like: you know when they have the split screen at the end, where it breaks off and shows 4 different characters, and you know they are going to zoom in on one and something huge is going to happen for the finale of the episode? Anyway, back to my original train of thought. Well, you always hope it is Jack, because then you're in good hands - you're going to get shooting or explosions or something. That's what grad school was looking like for me. Even if the episode wasn't the most exciting, you could always walk away and say "I'm glad that Jack Bauer exists in real life" (because he does). But finding out that the deadline passed for my application was like getting a zoom in on the President's wife or (God-forbid) Chloe. I felt short-changed, angry, and yet I know I have to watch it anyway. Now I have to get a job, and if it's anything other than Jack Bauer's sidekick (and the obvious next in line for his job, should the stresses of being FREAKING AWESOME ever force retirement), I'm going to be disappointed.

When you're sick, this should make you feel better
For anyone who's currently shelling out the 15 bucks to do the NyQuil / Dayquil combination because of cold or flu or whatever, I know things are going pretty crappy. However, I would like you to note the striking similarity between these two types of pills, and the type of pills that Neo is offered in the Matrix. Turn the lettering over, and they're practically the same!

At night, you can pull the NyQuil and say "You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe." During the day, on the other hand, you can pull out the DayQuil and be like: "You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes." How awesome is that?! Why hasn't this company taken this up as an advertising campaign? Seriously, don't worry about the sickness...remember, there is no spoon...

The bet
I recently won a bet. You may have heard about it. Basically, about 8 months ago I bet AGAINST myself ($20) that I wouldn't have a girlfriend by this Valentine's day. Yeah, tragic in a way, but Torch still owes me $20 (actually 17 after Taco Bell tonight). Anyhow, what surprises me is the reaction that we get from people when they hear about this bet...they usually say something like "but how do you know he's not just holding out to win the bet?" Honestly, I appreciated the confidence people have in me, but do you really think I'd avoid entering a relationship with a girl for 8 months over 20 bucks?! Do I seem THAT cheap? Actually, you're right...I have been holding out, and I'm going to become the ultimate player (read PLAYAH) now that the bet's done.

On another note, I'd like to say that Valentine's day is one of my favorite days of the year. Basically, if you're single and a male, you get to avoid the stress of figuring out what you need to get your girlfriend, whether you need to add the obligatory "love" in there (hey, I ain't claiming I'm a catch), how your time value of money calculations are going to affect the choice in restaurant, and so forth...and then you get to watch OTHER guys getting stuck with this. It's the one day of the year where you feel like a bird crap barely misses you, and instead spills all over the jerk that just cut in front of you in line. Priceless.

Perhaps even more interesting is witnessing the shear panic and desperation of (single) women around Valentine's day. The only way I can describe it is like our dogs (no, this is NOT implying anything about the women) when my family is packing the Suburban to go on vacation. The dogs know something is going on, and so they start to get all ansy and run around, even though they're not quite sure what exactly to do. They're not sure if they're in for a fun ride or a long, lonely stay at home. They always like attention, but when that car is getting packed the anty is upped, and suddenly they NEED that attention. Or maybe I'm just over-generalizing...

The ten goals
Well, so the deal was that if I got 10 goals in our last soccer game, I was going to get a make-out with a girl...we'll call her Martuska. Alas, it seems that despite my awesome soccer skills, a series of unfortunate events prevented me from scoring (implication intended) all 10- I got a mere one. Of course, considering that we won the game by a narrow 5-4 margin, that goal turned out to be pretty big. But did I get 1/10 = 10% of a make-out? Nope - go figure. Still, we came away with a big W, everybody played well. I just want to thank my teammates, my coach, and these fans. These LA fans are the best in the world. (Pause for cheers). Really, I'm glad we finally brought this city a victory. CAN YOU DIG IT?????????!!!!

On another note, this post was going to be longer, were it not for the late night Valentine's day visit from Martuska and Korinna and Enyo (all randomnly generated pseudonyms) to our apartment, which interrupted me from my blogging. I am aware of what that last sentence implies, and I am making no effort to refute it. In fact, let me stress a few words over again: LATE NIGHT VISIT, VALENTINE'S DAY, APARTMENT...do you need me to draw you a picture? Because there are some fairly disgusting ones in the Complete Idiot's Guide to Being Sexy book that happens to be at our place.

Here was the delicious quote from the night: "Wow, I'll bet it would take A LOT of alcohol to get YOU drunk." -Martuska, talking to a hefty-sized Torch. She claimed later it was not meant to be an insult or anything like that.

The Bus
I hate the bus. I waited a combined hour and fifty minutes today and only caught the bus one way. The information number for the buses stops working at 5 pm. If the bus line was a piece of paper, I would shred it. If it were a goldfish I would flush it down the toilet. If it were a car (so what if it is?) I would place a brick on the accelerator and laugh long and hard as it went hood-first into some sort of volcano. If it were Caleb's Playstation, I would take a solid swing at it with a sledgehammer. If it were a T-shirt, I would cover it in Axe Bodyspray and never wash it. If it were a secret service member, I would make it work for President Logan - AFTER working for the great David Palmer. If it were a CD, I would burn all Ron Artest and Kevin Federline rap songs onto it. If it were an embassy, I would have that embassy's country print cartoons satirizing Muhammed in its paper. If it were a movie theater, I would show Cheaper By The Dozen 2 nonstop 24/7. And finally, for the most overused and referenced incident on this side of the prime Meridian: if it were an adventurer, I would send it hunting with Dick Cheney!

Happy Valentine's day everyone!

Did I disappoint you, or let you down? - Potpourri

2006-01-31T10:37:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so I would say I've been busy, but that's not necessarily true...

Razors
So a few months ago I was thinking of posting on the Schick Quattro, which has four blades in it. I was going to say how things are starting to get ridiculous, how every new "innovation" simply involves adding another blade...and then Gillette comes out with its "Fusion" that has - you guessed it - FIVE blades! Is there ever going to be an end to this? It seems to be just like the famous "seven minute abs" scene in Something About Mary, where the guy's brilliant idea is to come out with a "Seven Minute Abs" tape to outsell the "Eight Minute Abs" one.

Gillette: "You've heard of the Schick Quattro?"

Me: "Yeah sure, the razor with four blades."

Gillete: "Well I've got an idea that will blow it right out of the water. Get this - five...bladed...razor! Think about it, if you see a razor on the shelf with only four blades, and then next to it is one with five blades, which one are you gonna take?"

Me: "Yeah. You'd better hope Schick doesn't come out with the Schick Seis or something - a razor with 6 blades."

Gillette: "Six blades? No...NO! Are you stupid? You can't have a razor with SIX blades!"

Some Quotes:

"Don't give them nicknames like Jumbo or Boxcar, and always get receipts...it makes you look like a business guy." -Homer, giving advice to Bart about women. It really cuts to the heart of what it means to date women. You appeal to both their insecurities - looks, and being well provided for, and you have them. Or not...what do I know?

Michael: "Is he more popular than George Michael?"

Mabe: "Well, that's like comparing apples and...some fruit that nobody's heard of."

"Give me twenty minutes and I can be single, if you want to go out." -Torch, talking to me. Seriously. Disturbing.

"Wait, what are teams?" David, when we're playing basketball and five blacks guys have challenged us five non-black guys to a game, leading to everyone on the court uncomfortably trying to avoid using any racial description, so the response ended up being something like "the five...inside guys on D". Ah, political correctness at its finest - the one thing that always transcends race.

Why did I write this post?
Well, perhaps I was inspired, or perhaps I wanted to please my writers. Or perhaps I've just decided to brag after dropping an 8-spot in the WTT category last night, and it was OUTSIDE the context of a party or a Church-related event. I rock UCLA girls.

Alas - A woeful cry according to the Monday crossword
After all my bragging about the iPod, it was stolen on Friday - yes, that would be my birthday. And no, I don't want your pity - I merely want a donation from each reader in order to recoop the loss of the Nano. Just kidding! Seriously though, the world just seems so much bleaker when you have to hear the sighs and coughs of everyone on the bus. Of course, nothing is as bad now as overhearing OTHER people's iPods now on the bus, as if the thing is faintly whispering: "You once had me, and could still have me, had you only been more careful." Well, you know what they say...better to have loved and lost and all that junk.

Perhaps this summarizes our apartment
The other day, right after one of the Bible studies at our place, we heard a ring at the door. Now, this is already suspicious, being nobody even knocks before walking into our place, much less rings the old doorbell. So we know that this isn't someone we want to answer for. You see, we frequently get two types of people that go around and ring doorbells: 1) The younger kids that memorize their speech for some program trying to sell magazines and 2)The older kids that memorize their speech for some program trying to sell magazines (always great to see 28 year-olds smashing out their cigarrettes and then telling you how they're selling for this program to pay for college).

Anyhow, there are 6 people in the room. I don't want to answer, so I say "Someone else can get that," and walk to one of the back rooms. Then I turn around and see three other people are following me. This leaves Kevin (who doesn't live at our place) and Dustin (Torch's younger brother) in the other room. Well, only seconds later Kevin comes walking in as well, and then after him comes Dustin. Now, everybody's trying to act as cool as possible, despite the fact that there are 6 people crammed into the tiniest bedroom and we're all just trying to avoid answering the door.

We all start whispering to each other to "shut up", which is pretty ridiculous since we were super loud in the other room and because the blinds were open and he had every chance to see us. But here comes the tricky part - my alarm went off, meaning my pizza was ready! So yeah, I had to find a way to slip into the other room and make it to the oven, all without being seen by the guy at the door through the giant glass sliding doors. I'm not sure if I succeeded, but I am sure the guy kept giving us dirty looks when he was across the way selling magazines and could see us all sitting in the living room once again. Good times...

That's all folks
January 31st, and still no valentine for the 14th, that's LINK****! (read comment from previous post).

These are the words you wish you wrote down, this is the way you wish your voice sounds...

2006-01-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

Handsome and smart, my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart. Modest, isn't it?

iPod comes in useful already
No, I didn't sell out and ask for an iPod for Christmas, nor did I purchase one. My dad won it at a conference and allowed me to bring it to school, which means I'm not supporting the Sauron/Sarumon tandem of evil that is iTunes/iPod. However, as I was waiting alone at the bus stop today, listening to "Peaceful, Easy Feeling" by the Eagles, I saw what the normal (read iPod-less) human might dread - the crazy man saunter. As he came closer, mumbling about Lord-knows-what, the two girls passing by clung to each other and sped up their pace significantly.

He looked at me once they were gone, and decided that he would pause at the corner...with only me remaining there. I was sitting, so there could be no easy escape, and at 2:39 their was still no sign of the freaking 2:37 bus! Here is where the sunglasses I wear were useful, because I could keep an eye on him out of the corner without acknowleding that I was looking at all. Thus, when he began his tirade on how we need to "show the President who's in charge", I merely had to turn up the volume and I "was already standing on the ground". He then gave up and crossed the street. And that's the beauty of the headphones, as their message somehow transcends all gaps, even the gap between sanity and insanity. There's something about the combination of sunglasses and headphones that can make one feel invincible.

iPod - 1, Crazy Bum - 0

Marcus Vick vs. iPod
Yes, Marcus Vick has brought us plenty of entertainment and things to talk about over the years, whether it be drug charges, driving with a suspended license, spiking an opposing player, getting kicked out of Virginia Tech (didn't he play a sport of something there?), and now brandishing a weapon in front of a Micky D's, but it's only a matter of time before he's NOT in the NFL and thus not entertaining us any longer. Meanwhile, the iPod will continue to be a music playing device for several years, aiding millions in their bus rides, walks to class, and the occasional jog. Unless Marcus somehow figures out an elaborate plan to kidnap his brother Michael and hold him for ransom, the nod is going to go towards the iPod.

Zelda 64 (Ocarina of Time) vs. iPod
Seeing as I did not bring X-Box home over break, and could not possibly hope to entertain myself between movies, 3 Christmas's, and two trips to the mountains, I was forced to revert back to the ol' reliable Nintendo 64 for some entertainment. Seeing as I hadn't played Zelda 64 since I beat it within a month of its release, and that I had previously only beaten it with the aid of a guide, I decided that I would put my 4 years of college and since-acquired problem-solving skills to the test and try to beat it straight up this time.

You'll be pleased to know that it went well. Really well. Not only that, but with my sister and her friend watching, I had the added benefit of learning style tips as they applied to Link***. Gems such as "well, it's really not so much a red tunic as reddish-orange", "he's blonde, that's why he doesn't look as good in the red as he does in the blue", and "I don't care if he naturally wears the green, the light blue looks the best". So yeah, I kept Link stylin' as best I could. My brother, on the other hand, brought cold reality to the party: "why would wearing a blue shirt allow him to breath underwater?" This I don't know.

***Link is the name of the main character/hero in Zelda. Zelda is in fact the princess that you are trying to save, not the character you control. Common misconception.

Anyhow, iPods are great, but Zelda 64 wins this match-up, if for no other reason then that it brought an underappreciated instrument - the ocarina - back into the mainstream.

BTW - I was addicted enough to this game that when my cousins came over, my little ten year-old cousin scolded me and told my aunt that I "wasn't sharing" the N64. Ouch.

Zelda 64 vs. Mario Kart 64
I managed to beat Special Cup thanks to a well-used mushroom and my sister coming in 2nd on Rainbow Road. Oh, and I know it is a bit ironic, but "special cup" is actually the most difficult set of tracks, contrary to what you might assume.

And yet, as much thrill as you get when that red shell pops up, or however much your heart leaps when you see that lightning, it cannot compare to opening a giant chest in Zelda 64. I'm sticking with Ocarina of Time on this one.

Stephen and my Basketball Victory over Caleb and Torch vs. Zelda 64
Yup, 2v2, in a best of 3 series, Stephen and I dismantled the two towers of Caleb and Torch. We were like the Ents storming into Isaangard (2nd LOTR reference) and Frodo throwing the ring into Mount Doom. Booyah. And yes, it might be said that they did end up beating us in a best of 7 series, but that's because we kept winning and they kept extending the series, so if we didn't lose it would've gone on FOREVER.

So anyway, Zelda 64 is good and all, but compared to Stephen screaming "YEAAAHBOOY" in our victory? Nothing.

Other Notes
-Perhaps one of the best lines in Silence of the Lambs is when Clarisse tells Hannibal that "your anagrams are showing Doctor", when she discovers that he hasn't given a real name, but a name that rearranges to spell something else. Awesome scene.

-Also, if you can believe it, I'm actually going out on a date with a girl. Yup, her name is Gale Firk, and thank goodness she doesn't read this blog! (Or this statement would never have been made).

Reader Mail

2005-12-26T01:23:00.000-08:00

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas!

Lest you think I am one of those blog-writers who feels he has become too great for his subjects - err, I mean readers - to pay attention, I have decided to respond to the mail (comments) I have received. Of course, to get the proper size, I had to dig back 6 months...so don't be surprised if some of the stuff is a bit dated. And yes, if you think this is filler because I've been busy for the past few days and will be the next few, you are right. Also, if you are a repeated commentor and feel you have been ripped off by only having one of your comments up here, that's because I'm trying to keep it to one per person...so the lesson here is LEARN TO CREATE ALIASES. It will make both you and I look much better.

...i also enjoyed the new taco bell crunchwrap supreme, although i have a huge beef with the bell and that is that they have pepsi instead of coke. their saving grace is that they have dr. pepper. finally, your final thought, or random comment about the impending button fly/zipper showdown made me laugh. i think we should be friends. -Laura

Just friends? Really? Yeah, uh, no, that's totally cool. Yes, I agree, it WILL be better this way...no need to apologize. And really, I, uh, am TOTALLY looking for another girl that's just a friend, because, uh, ya know, friends are...uh...good? Yah, no awkwardness here at all. Seriously, I have so much joy in girls that are, ummm, friends.

What I DO like is the crunchwrap supreme reference (girl knows her TB) and the pun on "beef". I also enjoy the sufficient massaging of my ego. Even though we're not rating comments, I'll give it an 8, with the -2 coming from the "friends" line. So disappointing

Its funny you mention that song because seriously the best thing about my new car is that when you scream that song out at the top of your lungs in my backseat, your mouth will be further away from my ears thus making you less audible. -Aaron

The dream version of Kelly Clarkson told me my voice was like a Nightengale's, so nothing you can say will hurt me...just close your eyes and let music set you FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you! I have a **condoms** site/blog. It pretty much covers ##condoms## related stuff. - The Condom Spot

Ah, one of the reasons I decided to make you type in codes to post comments. I mean, come on, I just had to get one sample in here. The real life equivalent: "Hey man, I was just in the neighborhood, and saw you had a nice pick-up basketball game going here...I definitely want to play! By the way, there's this great prostitution service that I run, which pretty much deals prostitutes and prostitute-related accessories, you should check it out." Ah, awkward transitions...such a sad state for the internet.

Ahhh!! you promised a Sat night update!! where is it? i've waited days upon days to hear the pearls of wisdom and wit that drip from your mouth. But, today, nothing but silence. Please update sooooon or my life will no longer be worth continuing - Anonymous

You have no idea how many of these I get...seriously, I mean in person as well. It's really a burden, but I struggle on, perservering in the face of adversity, using my raw intelligence...oh, just noticed this was sarcasm. Ouch, my pride...

Naked Broomrape
Orobanche uniflora
just fyi -Maverick

I had posted on the flower "naked broomrape". Clearly, I have smart readers, to be able to give me the scientific name for such a flower...it's not like we have some sort of information interconnection that we browse - or "surf", if you will - to acquire such knowledge. And even if we had such a net of interconnected devices, we would require some sort of ENGINE to use for SEARCHING, and that is just beyond imagination.

Go ahead Mav, get smart with me again....I don't like you because you're dangerous. I mean, whose side are you on anyway?

I hate to rain on your AL West-clinching, sonic-booming, co-ed IKEA-shopping party, but I had to mention that today I conversed with no fewer than 13 girls today. Thirteen! Granted, five of them crashed by apartment, but there was still much conversing. -Steve

There's nothing to say, except that I am in awe. Once I thought I was conversing with numerous females and doing quite well, except it turned out I was in a telemarketing firm, and they ALL had wireless headsets. No, that's not a true story, but the fact that it even crossed your mind that it was true is offensive. Oh, and I believe you rain on a "parade", not a "party", if we're going to get technical :)

On a side note.. I expect no less than 5 attractive girls to ask you out this week... All of which you will turn down in fear of the date being some sort of sick joke/charity event for victims of the "ugly gene"( Don't knock those events- It's how I got my girlfriend) -Torch

So, uh, yah...that, uh, never really happened. I never did get asked out. Don't weep for me, I'm already dead...

I'm pretty much everyone's soulmate. -Ben

Context - what context? If you asked him right now he'd say the same. Which reminds me - Ben, umm, it's been a great year, and I really think I've decided I want to spend the rest of my life with you...

so Troy...what were your last five great "asking out" ideas? ok, sorry that might be too hard. your last two? -Anonymous (aka Mike)

Okay, this is where I really dish out the wisdom. Anybody who knows ANYTHING about women knows this full-proof technique: first, you take out a small sheet of paper, and a pen. Then, you write the following on the paper: "do you like me?" However, YOU CANNOT just pass it at that - there is too much room for ambiguity. Your next step is to create two checkboxes, one for "yes", and the other for "no". Now, some of my collegues argue that there is necessarily a third box, to be designated "maybe", that should be added. However, the problem with such a box is that it ultimately does not resolve anything - while it does put a girl in a non-commital role, it does not help eliminate any ambiguity. In fact, it really negates the purposes of the checkboxes in the first place!

So two boxes. Once completed, such a note should be slipped to the girl while she is alone. There is no protocol for note retrieval - however, if the girl has interest, she'll probably find a way to get it to you. Oh, and remember by passing the note you aren't technically admitting that you have any interest, so if the answer is "no" you can just brush that crap off.

Or, if you're the adventurous type, you can break into her apartment and write something like "I LOVE YOU" in red lipstick (or your own blood) on her bathroom mirror. So I guess that's two ideas...and I WIN!

cara watches laguna beach and the oc? sad day -_- -Joel

I agree. (You don't understand, this is the most supportive thing my brother has said to me, EVER. His reading of my blog suggests he's endorsing it, sort of...)

troy, don't be bitter at country music... it is our friend because it has a song for exactly every situation you could find yourself in (such as in college, as we are now, or if you are a girl, or if you like girls, or one especially for you, for that person who questioned why country music is the best)... and to dispell any rumors that you seem to be spreading on your blog, ben clark and i are not lovers, simply friends... you don't have to be jealous beause i am an avid spooner and your time will come soon. ;)p.s. if you want me to still be on your team, stop spreading dirty lies. -Katie

I have yet to find use for country music in any situation, with the exception of the South Park episode where they make fun of "You got Served" and dance to Achy Breaky Heart. Furthermore, I have NEVER had the privilege of spooning with her. Finally, nothing of what I said was a lie, as has become my anthem: "The blog never lies!". Completely finally, I will allow my readers to defend me...

I give my condolences on your being forced to listin to country music. I'd loan you my "Discourage inbreeding, ban country music" shirt, but I wear it alot. -Penelope

You just got SEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEDDDDDD!

soooo..... i'm sure you're busy and all. but honestly. where are the updates? -Anonymous (aka Anna)

I don't know which is more flattering...the fact that she looks forward to my updates, or the fact that she actually thinks I am "busy".

you sound like a stud. A smart stud! (Who knows his groceries) next time shop TJ's, and maybe we'll trade glances in the dried fruit section, or the vita-boost juices aisle, or if I'm really lucky, next to the organic lettuce? -Trader Joe's Girl

Which TJ's? Is it in LA? Seriously, can I have some contact info? No, really seriously, I need this...Errr, I mean I don't need this, because I'm making out with chicks all the time, but ya know, I just thought I'd give you the chance to jump in there...(way to play it cool,Troy, good recovery).

i kinda had a troy-esque moment as well. do you ever do the, "hey wanna study for the final together?" thing with the hot girl in your class at the end of the semester/quarter, just so you can figure out what her name is? and then realize how transparent that act must have seemed if five minutes earlier you were making fun of how easy the final was going to be and how you wouldn't have to study? -james

Dude, I'm telling you all, USE THE NOTE strategy! I could totally see this happening to me, but it doesn't for the following two reasons: 1) I don't really attend class 2) I am a computer science major. This means that even on the ridiculously small chance that there was a decent looking girl in my class, she would be so surrounded by such a pool of nerd-drool that any attempt to converse and/or approach her would be foiled.

but troy, sometimes goldfish are just that irresistible... -caleb

I don't care, I still stand in horror of how they were violated by the one-whose-name-we-don't speak-of-except-with-our-tongues...

Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = CRAZY DELICIOUS! -Dave

You could call us Aaron Burr from the way we're dropping Hamiltons!

What is this - back to back updates?

2005-12-19T23:01:00.000-08:00

Yeah, two days, two updates...things are getting a bit crazy. And the joy is that everyone is on break, so nobody is really reading it anyway. Awesome. Well, this should be a short one.

Kelly Clarkson
No, there is no celebrity judgment/gossip here. The fact of the matter is that I just had this dream a few days ago where I was dating Kelly Clarkson. It was weird - nobody recognized her, and so we went around talking to people about if they liked Kelly's songs or if they thought she was hot, then surprised them with the fact that she was right there and they hadn't even noticed her! Yeah, of all the things I could dream about us doing together, that was it...

Anyhow, the dream was kind of random because I don't really know anything about Kelly Clarkson - never watched her on American idol, have never seen interviews or even many pictures of her, don't think she's particularly attractive (I mean, as far as celebrities go), and don't especially like her music. I would have expected a dream of Scarlett Johanson or Jessica Alba much more.

But strangely, it is one of those occasions again when dreams affect real life. In my dream she was really cool and down to earth, so I automatically assume that she is that way in real life. I've caught my self defending her and her music over the past few days. In fact, I even listen to it out of a sort of boyfriendish obligation, as if she's going to ask me about it and I'll have to say something positive if I want to make out. I feel this sort of guilt when I change the station away from her music. This is absurd behavior when I think about it rationally, but those initial feelings still remain...how long before this wears off? (I've usually found about a week for such especially vivid dreams).

The troublesome thing is that this can happen to girls you know as well. Sometimes, if you have a random dream where you're dating a girl you know, even if you never have been attracted to her before, you'll wake up and think you're genuinely interested. I've found that the best thing to do in this situation is wait about a week, and see if that residual dream effect wears off - because if you decide to start a relationship as a result of the "dream effect", it could likely lead to disaster. This also goes for the case where you're mildly interested in a girl, and then have a dream about her, and suddenly think you're in love with her - you also should wait for the effect to wear off. If, however, you find yourself dreaming about the same girl night after night, perhaps there is something there. Any more romantic advice you want me to dish out? You'll find I'm full of theoretical knowledge.

And the movies
In the past week and a half or so I've seen 3 movies - Narnia, Syriana, and King Kong. I would say that each of these were quality, so that with such a streak going, I'm afraid to break it and see another one in theaters anytime soon. On the other hand, Munich looks great, and my ever-growing crush on Tea Leoni (sorry Kelly, I think this is best for both of us) makes Fun with Dick and Jane also look appealing. Anyhow, here are quick reviews of the movies I've seen (serious ones):

Chronicles of Narnia
Very entertaining from start to finish. They do an excellent job of seducing you into the world, and the way they display the animals makes them appear full of human emotions. I was surprised at how well they were able to suspend disbelief. The Christian themes are there, even more prevelant than in Lord of the Rings, but not overbearing.
I decided, while watching the movie, that I want a marriage like the one between Mr. and Mrs. Beaver. I've also decided I want to have a kid like Lucy.

Of course, the movie is not without its imperfections. Even at its current length it feels a bit rushed, so that when you get into the large fight scene, you feel like they are trying to do a war epic without the full "epic" part. Non-main characters you feel you should care about are not developed all that much. Consider how many characters you followed and genuinely cared about during Lord of the Rings, while in Narnia you really only have the 4 children (and really 3, because Susan has no real solo scenes or anything that developes her) and Aslan. Then again, LOTR had a solid 10 hours to work with...

So anyway, I did really enjoy the movie, and out of the three it will probably be the first I watch again.

Syriana
Well, talk about shifting gears (actually, we weren't) - just make sure you pay attention throughout this one. It might require a second watch (like Traffic) to pick up on all the subtleties. Yes, I'm going to use Traffic as the movie I compare it to, for obvious reasons. Like Traffic, the seemingly seperate story-lines are weaved together nicely, though perhaps this has a more narrow focus. Unlike Traffic, however, Syriana is judgmental - whereas Traffic tended to show the problem without any clear political "bad guys", Syriana has a greater tendency to lay the blame on the wrong-doings of the American government and oil industries.

Still, regardless of how fair the judgements are, the movie is intriguing throughout. I was always wondering what would happen next, and the ending didn't disappoint.

King Kong
Just saw this beast today. I'll admit that at 3 hours I was feeling its length at parts, but maybe that's because I was hungry through the whole movie. Either way, the movie was fun the whole time, though perhaps it could have been even MORE fun at 2.5 hours. There were a few too many "out of the frying pan and into the fire" moments - you know, where they get away from bugs only to get attacked by bats, from which they barely escape but then are getting chased by a dinosaur, which narrowly misses them but then they're at the feet of an even BIGGER dinosaur, and so on and so forth...it's like dominoes, there's a span of like 6 of these in 20 minutes. Also, I'm warning you that I counted about 1,347 close-ups of Naomi Watts face while her eyes are widened in surprise - it seems she has this reaction for everything from seeing a T-Rex to finding out that cows can be lead upstairs but not downstairs. Seriously though, if the movie is a little hokey at points, it's because it is indeed King Kong, and overall the movie is a blast. And it is also a movie that will drop off in value if you don't see it in theaters - there's just nothing like seeing a 25-foot gorilla on the big screen, or Naomi Watts face for that matter.

Other thoughts:

-The "movie within a movie" line, where you draw parallels between the movie the characters are making and the actual movie, if done well, always seems to add a lot.

-Tom Hanks kid (Colin Hanks) has now had three fairly distinct and solid roles - this one, the one in Orange County, and the one in Band of Brothers. How long before he's consistently making A movies?

One More Thing
If you have yet to see the "Chronic WHAT les of Narnia" rap on SNL, I demand that you immediately google what I have put in quotes so you can watch it. It is one-hundred percent hilarious...

No More Awkwardness?

2005-12-18T23:00:00.000-08:00

That's right, I've decided that I am NOT an awkward person. Awkwardness is part of life, a part which everyone experiences, and so I in no way contribute to the awkwardness of situations. That's the story I'm sticking with.

And did you know that baby Jesus grew up to be...Jesus?!
True story, as Homer so eloquently put it. But this Simpsons highlighted an interesting idea of the Christmas story - consider when the three wise men come to Herod to say they had brought gifts for the King of the Jews. Well, naturally Herod says aloud, "Hmmm, let me decide which gift to open first", which leads to the three wise men looking at each other, hemming and hawing. Finally, one of the wise men describes the situation as - guess what? - AWKWARD. (Because, of course, the gifts are actually for Jesus). So you see, even in Biblical times WISE MEN encountered awkwardness, and we can thus conclude such awkwardness is indeed part of life.

But just for old times sake, I suppose we can go over a few situations of awkwardness...

Football and Girls - do they mix?
You decide: the opposing team needs about 5 yards to score. The quarterback drops back, my man takes off straight, then cuts sharply for a crossing route along the back of the endzone. I follow and shift my eyes to the quarterback. This is the man he wants to hit, and as he releases the ball, I know I'm going to have to sprint full on to break up the pass. Then, KAZAA-AAAM, I feel something drill my head, as the Shaq movie of the same name flashes before my eyes.

In the NFL, they call it a helmet-to-helmet collission. Unfortunately, in our pick-up games, we don't play with helmets, and that just leaves skull-to-skull. So what could suck more than this? If the other person happens to be a girl (We'll call her "Mally"). Yup, that's right, crap like this is supposed to happen to everyone...but it only seems to happen to me. So basically, I'm standing there, waiting for the whole "IT'S ONLY A GAME FOCKER!" shouts, wishing I were dead - or at least seriously injured. But she was okay, so things were great, and I was able to ignore the condescending looks from everyone on the field.

That is, until we got home a few hours later. Turns out, she had e-mailed my roomate a picture for me to see, this one showing a giant red spot on her face (I was trying to think of a Jupiter pun here, but couldn't think of one that flowed properly) that would inevitably swell into a nice sized bruise. This left me to pace around my room, trying to rationalize how I wasn't at fault and how I shouldn't feel bad. Of course, by this time the story around my apartment was that I had run the length of the field just so I could headbutt her, then callously laugh as she keeled over in pain.

What was the ending to this story? Well, she had faked the whole thing (the bruise and picture I mean, not the collision), leaving me to feel foolish and used...the moral being, you don't even need to date and/or ask out women to get that awkward/sickened/anxious feeling, you can just play football!

From football to futbol
There are only so many hours of Super Mario Strikers you can play before actually wanting to play real soccer. Naturally, we piled into the car after Yoshi's 357th super strike. We were planning on playing basketball afterward anyway, so were thus in our basketball gear, and decided to just mess around and kick the soccer ball in a 2v2 match, preparing for the greatness that will be our indoor IM team.

Then, out of nowhere, this freaking Pelee wannabe shows up in his soccer cleats and outfit. There's absolutely no one else around, and we're playing in our own little 10 by 10 foot coned area off the field. Still, the guy walks up to us, and asks "hey, can I play?" Trying to be polite, we all try to communicate that teams would NOT be fair, but he basically forces himself on and is like "if it doesn't work, then I'll leave." This is what happens when you're just too nice. He's the only one that runs around the field, and after a few goals we throw out the whole "well, how about a game to 3, and then we're off to play basketball." Amazing, this game to 3 lasts about 2 minutes...imagine that?!

It is an interesting phenomenon, though, how one person showing up can just sap all energy out of the area. It changes the collective mood from one of fun, to just boredom and frustration. More importantly, if you are a person that consistently does this, do you even notice it? Or is it a cyclical thing, where you notice it happening a little at first, then grow more and more callous, until you finally decide that you don't care and will just go anyway? As someone who always errs on the side of caution, I am always perplexed by this mentality...I would never ask to play in a game that is 2 on 2, and even in a game with 5 people, I would ask about playing 3v3 before joining and would take no for an answer.

The point is, this is one of those situations where the only person to CREATE the awkwardness is the one NOT to feel it. This might be the great injustice of the human condition. It's almost like someone walking past you, picking up YOUR food (with them having full knowledge that it's yours), walking past you once again, sitting down, and proceeding to eat it...but that's a story for another time...

Other Stuff
-Back in Orange County now after finals. We have the whole decorating the Christmas tree thing going on: you know, where you listen to Amy Grant Christmas while watching the cat smack at the ornaments at the bottom of the tree. You try to find hooks for all the ornaments because somehow they manage to disappear EVERY year, and, after trying to figure out why you own 4 different Shaquille O'Neal ornaments, you decide that the candy canes hanging from the tree are looking pretty good. So, you accept that while you multitask (i.e., hold your cane from your mouth while putting up the snowboarding Santa) the candycane is bound to break and fall into the pine needles - but hey, pine only adds flavor. Eventually, the whole thing ends up being an intricate game of Jenga, where you try and see how many heavy ornaments you can hook on each branch before they all fall off (consider that we have 5 people in are family, all who have seen at least 15 Christmas's...that's A LOT of ornaments). By the end of the night, you're only left with the tissue paper that wraps all the ornaments, which is sprinkled all around the floor like snowflakes - but that's cool, because Mom loves cleaning that stuff up, right? Priceless.

-There's the ol' beginning "if ifs and nuts were candy and nuts..." to which Ed added "you'd be fat and diabetic." I know it doesn't rhyme, but he just seemed so proud of that quote...oh, and the "you" was directed towards me, in case we weren't clear.

-When Ben was leaving one night to go visit some girls instead of hanging out with us, I decided to put my bitterness to good use. When I asked him where he was going, he said "Levering" (the street name), to which I responded: "Levering? More like LOVE-ring." Yeah, I totally came up with that on the spot! I was definitely not waiting 1.5 weeks to bust that brilliant one out.

When I started out, I remember they said, “He’s good, but is he plaque good?”

2005-12-09T03:24:00.000-08:00

Somebody once said that every situation in life has either been covered in Seinfeld, the Simpsons, or in both. That person happens to be me, but that shouldn’t take away from the legitimacy of the statement. ***From here on out, don’t expect anything from this post. If you don’t want to read a contradictory, hypocritical, all around boring, please stop.*** Anyway, here are a few examples that I’ve encountered…

Using all the lettuce
In one episode of Seinfeld, George gives a beautiful monologue on how he has suddenly become so intelligent. Using a head of lettuce as an example, he peels one piece off, and then explains that the head is the amount of brain that men use to think about sex (we’ll say women in general), which leaves the little piece in his hand to think about everything else. However, in the episode he doesn’t have to think about sex, so he has the whole extra portion of his brain to work with, making Jeapordy, Rubix Cubes, and quantum physics a cinch.

And so too, in my personal experience, I’ve discovered that it is much easier to get writing done when you have a steady girlfriend than when you don’t. This, I can only imagine, is because you have the whole head of lettuce to work with. On the other hand, when you don’t have a girlfriend, anytime you stop for a second to think, really think, the mind will almost always jump to women. A great man (I won’t reveal his name, lest he be embarrassed) once told me how humbled he was, because if he spent half as much time thinking about God as he did about women, he would be one of the holiest men alive.

“But wait,” you might say, “don’t these thoughts and interactions provide great writing material?” To this I will respond with an empathic “NO”. There is nothing more annoying than reading some self-loathing, pitiful piece on hurt feelings or a schoolboy longing…and yes, I realize that I am 100% being hypocritical in this statement, and that occasionally it can be done well, but the point is that it is just tiresome and repetitive – I feel like imagination is severely limited when thoughts of prospects (women) are occupying the mind. Or, who knows, maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been programming a freaking compiler for the past five weeks – I suppose that could have something to do with sapping the imagination.

Be untrue to thyself
There is another episode of Seinfeld, one that we watched today, where George does everything opposite of what common sense and instinct tells him (since everything he’s done so far has made him a failure) , and in doing so, he becomes immensely successful with women and work.

- I feel like it’s really tempting to follow this model. By acting “opposite” of how you would normally act, it seems like a win-win situation – if it pans out, then you’re stoked. If you get rejected, it doesn’t matter, since they’re not really rejecting you, just your “opposite” you, which is actually an affirmation of your true self.

My roommate recently asked me why I don’t just “sack up and ask out more girls”. To this I responded that it’s really tough at this point, because if I ask out a girl who knows me, she’ll put way too much stock into it, seeing as she’ll know it is not a common practice for me. And I’m really just not a guy to ask out girls I don’t know. To this he responded that I should just start asking out a bunch of women, so that it really isn’t as big of a deal. And you know what? It’s really tempting...to become ‘that guy’ and just do it. I got all amped about the idea, until I slept on it, and figured that maybe it is just the same mechanism that George used – to act like something else, hoping you just won’t care as much. It’s still tempting, but, I just don’t know…

Yes, he's got the moves
Anyhow, here are five random encounters with women I don’t know throughout the week, and even if I wasn’t attracted to all of them, I couldn’t help wondering how other guys would deal with these situations.

1) At Ralph’s, in the frozen food section, an extremely attractive girl said aloud that “I should never shop on an empty stomach, because everything looks so good”. I looked around the aisle to see that there was nobody else there, and, after getting over the shock of about two seconds, and seeing that she was looking at me, I was about to say something, when BAM – her head turned to the side, and I saw the freaking wireless headset.

Now, that’s just not fair. That’s not my damn fault. Yes, maybe I can understand wearing those in the car, but there is NO WAY a hot girl in a public place should ever be allowed to wear one of those things. Yeah, I hate to be discriminatory, but hot girls already get everything handed to them…and I’m only asking to take one mildly useful piece of technology away from them.

2) At a party, after being a introduced to a girl, she said “oh, Troy Masters, as in the guy that everybody knows.” Yeah, so I was about to wonder how 4 people constituted ‘everybody’, when she added “comedian Troy Masters.” Now, with this kind of build-up, you would think I’d really have things nailed. Instead, I merely said, “Uh, to be honest, I’m really not that funny.” This was followed by two minutes of awkward silence before I decided to leave.

3) In Borders today, while browsing through the literature aisles, there was a girl browsing at about the same pace, and as I kept searching through the authors, she would be a few feet behind me. There were a couple moments of eye contact and half-hearted smiles. And then, as luck would have it, I ended up on the same elevator as her on the ride down into the parking structure. First she walked in and pushed “P2”. Now, when I parked and got in the elevator to go up to the store, I distinctly remembered that I had parked in level “P4”. However, when I stepped into the elevator, there were only levels “P1, P2, and P3”.

So I stood there, blankly staring at the numbers. She laughed and said, “Can’t remember which level you parked on, huh?” Of course, all I could manage was an “Uh, yah”, because I freaking DID remember what level I parked on – P4 – and it just wasn’t there! I’d even remembered riding the elevator up!

So what was the deal? Turns out, out of the two elevators standing side-by-side, only one of them goes from levels P4 to P1, while the other only goes from P3 to P1. WHAT THE HECK? Is that not the most nonsensical, cruel joke? So basically, as I’m in the elevator with an opportunity to talk to a cute girl, I’m too busy worrying that I’m either crazy or in some sort of space/time vortex to do anything. That one wasn’t my fault either. And what about poor older people, who are already confused about most things in life – what happens when they get this loop thrown at them? This elevator situation is enough to cause a heart attack.

4) Today as I was doing laundry, I was about to shift my clothes from the washer to the dryer. However, when I went down there, a girl was busy unloading and folding her underwear from the dryer that I needed. I’m pretty sure I did the right thing by turning around abruptly and heading back to my apartment, since there is no non-awkward way to wait in the tiny laundry room for the girl to finish folding her underwear, but just as I was leaving she turned around and spotted me, and gave me a look like I was doing something clandestine by trying to slip out behind her back.

5) At Ralph’s again, an attractive girl happened to pass me as I was looking at the juices, and she lingered a while to pick hers out. However, I had been standing in front of the juices for like 5 minutes at this point, trying to pick one out, because I really can only choose once for the week and want to make it count. In fact, at this time I’ve actually begun mumbling to myself the respective merits of each, so as she gets close she gets to hear the following conversation with myself:

“Do I want that juice? Sure. Actually, do I even like grapefruit that much? No, I don’t think so, I tried that last time…” If that’s not attractive, I don’t know what is.

Final Note: Not nearly enough has been said about the genius of Yertle the Turtle. Not the actual Turtle, but the story written about his rise to power and the terrible yet inevitable fall.

Real Final Note: It was 3 am when I wrote all this. Please forgive me.

The phone rings in the middle of the night, my father yells "whatcha gonna do with your life"?

2005-11-28T17:33:00.000-08:00

Yeah, bet you didn't expect me to drudge that song up for this title. Anyhow, I'll explain how that song is relevant in a second, but first I just want to say that every moment of my life should be recorded for clever puns and/or genius moments. True, that sounds a little egotistical, but here are two examples of statements that the people just cannot afford to miss:

1) Watching television yesterday, Ben Clark mentioned how Stewart Scott, while doing his poetry thing, had "the rhymes in all the wrong places." To this I answered, "you dont want the RHYME at the end of the LINE every TIME". Yeah, and this could've been lost forever...

2) Walking through Ralph's today, one of the cardboard pricetags was protruding into the aisle (presumably to draw more attention), and I accidently ran into it while dodging another cart. I then mumbled to myself: "Wow, I sure TAGGED that!"

This is not even mentioning all the puns I can throw out there during the UCLA game when Mike Roll is playing. Unfortunately, for every one I remember, HUNDREDS more are lost. This is just tragic.

Troy Masters, FBI
I've recently decided that I might want to pursue a career in the FBI as a special agent, and hopefully that explains the title of the post. Now, if the FBI actually reads this, please understand that what I am about to write below is totally a JOKE, and don't hold this against me in any way when I actually wish to apply. Anyhow, here is my essay on why I want to join the FBI...

Please explain why you would be a good fit for the Federal Bureau of Investigation

Though I've considered a variety of jobs in my day - whale hunter, seal clubber, ivory dealer, president of the Fox Network - none of these seems quite so appealing as the FBI. Perhaps the thing that intrigues me most about this department is the gun. Yes, definitely the gun. I cannot stress how important this will make me feel, and what this will do for my self-confidence. I imagine that the cold butter of life becomes much warmer when you get a gun, so that the knife that represents my success can cut through it (life) with relative ease. If that doesn't work, I can just shoot the butter, because, after all, I have a gun.

Yet it's not just what the gun can do for me, but what I can do with a gun for the FBI. I haven't had much experience, but I think I've seen enough movies and played enough video games (3+ years of amatuer Halo playing, 2.5 years of serious Counterstrike) to know how to operate and care for them. I imagine I could shoot people with minimal training. Just ask johchen3557 - he used to beat me everytime in Snipers, but after dedicating 40+ hours for 3 weeks, I beat him by one kill on Burial Mounds. And he said he was ranked as high as 73rd in the nation at one point. Of course, in these games we determine who the bad guys are based on color - this won't be a problem in the FBI, will it? I do have a tough time figuring out which of the minorities are the bad guys...

Another reason I want to join the FBI is for the badge. Just think what Dan is gonna say when I show up at his door and I'm like "Special Agent Troy Masters, FBI" and flip out the badge! I assume we cover that badge-flip-out technique in Quantico, but I've been practicing a little on my own anyway. So yeah, Dan's this punk that always used to make fun of me in junior high. I can't wait to totally screw with his life (I may or may not sleep with his wife, I'm not sure) , mostly by freezing all his monetary accounts and planting some endangered animal in his house. Then, not only will he have to deal with a rhinosaurus in his room, he'll go to jail for it as well!

Also, I'm not really into the suit thing, but I'm sure we can work out some sort of costume for the job. I've got this hilarious T-shirt that says "Prose before Hoes", with a picture of William Shakespeare on the front, that I think will raise morale in the department everyday. In the off chance that my maroon "Prose before Hoes" shirt is in the wash, I have a shirt that says "college" on it - I hate to admit that I acquired this in a rather clandestine way, by signing up for a credit card which I cancelled the day it arrived. On the other hand, I DO think it shows my resourcefulness. As for the pants - I was originally thinking jeans, but have since decided that these wouldn't be the most comfortable for my active job. Perhaps something in anti-rip-crotch sweatpants? I would assume the FBI has developed something along those lines...

Anyhow, with my gun, my badge, and an attractive female partner that secretly wants to have sex with me but doesn't admit it and thus creates sexual tension, I think we can make a significant dent in the extraterrestrial investigation work, or what you code name the "X-files".
Among my many qualifications for the FBI is that I can spell "Bureau" correctly, which is a pretty big deal, if you think about it, since 4 of the 6 letters are vowels. The results are inconclusive.

Washington is where it's at, apparently...

2005-11-16T22:59:00.000-08:00

So recently I've had an alarming amount of people from cities all around Washington coming to my site, all searching for either "Troy Masters" or "Troy Masters Blog" or something of that nature. Seeing as my sole tie to Washington is that my mom's cousin lives near Seattle, I am curious how this came about...so if one of you people would kindly comment on how you got the idea to search for "Troy Masters", I would really appreciate it. Feel free to stay a while, pull up a chair, and even if this isn't the house you were expecting - there's still a party going on. That is, unless you were one of the freaks who searched for "forced dungeon sex", then your place is elsewhere.

Recent Happenings
-I've pretty much been flooded with projects lately and school. For instance, my last project for computer graphics was to make an animated scene of around 1 minute (no sound involved). In a moment of inspiration I got the grand idea of retelling "Romeo and Juliet", with Montegues represented by apples and the Capulets represented by oranges (get it?). There would be a balcony, a fight scene, and a scene in the catacombs where Juliet and Romeo kill themselves. They would kill themselves in a creative manner - Juliet stabbing herself with a straw, thus forming the classic image of a straw stick out of the orange, and Romeo by allowing a worm to consume him. Genius, right?

Well, I seemed to forget that this would all have to be hardcoded, meaning coordinates and all shapes would have to be designed by entering numbers into the code. No animation program for me. So the apples ended up looking like little red cherry bombs, and the oranges were creepy circles with unexplained white arms protuding from the sides. It's amazing how little you care about this at 6 AM in the morning when you've been up for 21 straight hours. Don't believe how crappy it turned out? Check it: R&J

-Yesterday I purchased some Once A Day vitamins. This was a result of the conversation I had at Cheesecake Factory:

Me: I don't really eat any fruits or vegetables. Honestly, there's not much point, since you can get all the same nutrients just by taking vitamins.

Caleb: You take vitamins?

Me: Uh, no.

But not only are they Once a Day, they are Once a Day Active. I'll admit, when I went to pick out vitamins from the shelf, I felt a little like I was trying to get the right kind of dog food for my canine...there's Senior formula, Men's health formula (aka prostate), Active formula, Child's formula, I was waiting to see a label say "the ingredients are specially designed to get the most performance from your active puppy."

If you don't own a dog, or just buy generic dogfood, the above joke probably meant nothing to you...unless you like to peruse the dogfood aisle for fun. I recommend doing it next time.

Ah, protesters in LA, so lovely...
I think perhaps somebody needs to start explaining the point of protest. You know, like how protesting should be about raising awareness and getting people onto your side, rather than trying to alienate everyone else in the city.

For instance, a couple weeks ago I was riding the bus to campus for a midterm, and it was taking extremely long because a protest was gathering on Wilshire and it was clogging traffic. I had about twenty extra minutes to get there, but the bus was moving awful slowly, and I was starting to get worried that I might be late.

Of course, the heart of the protest was stationed right around the federal building. As soon as the driver pulled over at this stop, protesters started to swarm the bus. This "mainstream" crowd consisted of the old skinny man with his long white beard, looking like he'd just escaped from the asylum, as well as the teens and their green mohaws, all having painted "f*** Bush" onto both sides of their shaved scalps. Brilliant. I can only describe these so in depth because they had their faces smashed up again the windows, not quite understanding the concept of the invisible barrier that separated us (that being "sanity", not the glass, though I doubt they understood that either).

But that was not the worst of it. It just so happened that the ONE PERSON who happened to be in the wheelchair had to get off at this specific stop. I don't blame this person at all, but it was just ominous to hear the "beep, beep, beep" of the wheelchair ramp slowly lowering, meaning we would have to stay an extra few minutes at the stop. This meant more time for the crazies to try and jump on the bus, as the driver tried desperately to stop them from handing out their flyers to everyone inside. They even started a chant: "Out of the bus and into the streets, end the Bush Regime!" which, other than the fact that it had no rhythm or rhyme, was, uh...no, it sucked.

Then again, the highlight was when one of the ladies with the megaphone was walking backwards, holding it in her left hand while banging on the bus with her right. She was leading the whole "What do we want? Bush gone! When do we want it? Now!", and walked right back into a trash can. Unable to regain balance because of the occupation of both her hands, she went sprawling everywhere and ate it on the ground. You can't make that up.

Of course, I always wonder...what job/school gives you the time to rally from 10-7 on a Wednesday? Maybe they're all freelance jingle writers... "What do we want? DIET COKE! When do we want it? NOW! What do we want? DIET COKE! When do we want it? NOW!" Brilliant. And that's all for now...

Well Chicken Little is getting more play than me...

2005-11-06T23:40:00.000-08:00

But the little chicken is so adorable I can't hold it against him. Went to the premiere, got the 3D glasses, did that thing, and I'm proud to say that I would probably recommend it over Jarhead (yeah, life in the Marines is rough, WE GET IT!).

The following is me railing on an article from MSN's front page, which always shows up because since my computer crashed for the umpteenth time I haven't bothered to change it. Actually, I'm changing it to Yahoo right now. Anyhow, since Sadie Hawkin's day is coming up, they gave a few ways for girls to ask guys out. Here is why those ideas are stupid:

1) “The last woman to ask me out did it by saying she was interested in exploring old L.A.,” he relates. “Being a native Angelino, pre-World War II L.A. is a fascination of mine and I gladly volunteered."

-Being a straight male who doesn't use the word "Angelino", pre-World War II L.A. is not nearly as fascinating as not getting shot, which is almost as interesting as not waiting in traffic all day. Of course, this raises the question of what the heck is "old LA", and what happens if you don't live in L.A.? Guys should respond to the above tactic with "I think bus line 11 picks up at that corner...just take that and about 7 other buses to get to your destination."

2) “Would your girlfriend mind if I bought you a drink?”

-"Yes".

3) "Ask him to have coffee."

-Wow, did you think of that tactic all by yourself? There is nothing wrong with this necessarily, except that somebody actually thought this was original enough to put in an article...

4) "Give him a box of dates (the edible variety) and say, ‘How about a date?’”

- "Wow, she's really direct...but why is she offering me a bunch of figs?"

5) “Why not just ask him to do something casual and fun that you both enjoy, like going to a dirt track race?”

-Afterward you could play a round of mini-golf, shoot each other in a game of laser tag, and drive your car up to the Ol' Mountain Peak, which is labelled "make-out point" by the other 1950s teenagers!

6) “Put a smart, sassy subject line on your email to make sure it gets noticed.”

-Perhaps title it something like "Efeective Men's Groowth Phaarmacy" to make sure it gets past the SPAM filter. Oh, and make sure you send it to 10 or more men on mySpace/facebook that you've been stalking, since that can only increase the odds of a positive respose, you stalker.

7) “If you're at a book-reading or poetry festival or wine-tasting, ask him to join you for another similar event. Or, for more immediate gratification, ask him to go on a shopping trip with you to pick up a book or a bottle—or maybe both!”

-WHAO, we don't want to overload on the excitement there...BOTH just might tucker him out. Because I'm sure when guys are looking for "immediate gratification" on a date, they immediately think "shopping trip!" Good call.

8) “Create a puzzle card that the guy has to put together to transcribe the message, or go to crosswordpuzzle.com and create a personal crossword puzzle to ask him out.”

-Let's see, so I've got one piece that says "Will", another piece that says "you", another piece that says "go out", another piece that says "with", and a final one that says "me?". Gee, he's really going to have to put that puzzle together in order to figure out the meaning. At least do something creative, like have the order of each prime number represent a particular letter in the alphabet, so that 2 represents A and 17 represents G an so on an so forth...ladies, I would 100% say yes to any date presented to me in this manner.

9) "Make sure you’re wearing stilettos when you ask him out. They just may help seal the deal."

-Umm, I always thought that a stiletto was a dagger, and got really excited on this one. Unfortunately, my roomate informed me that these are actually just heels. Too bad. At first I wondered what kind of girl would be moronic enough to believe that guys paid the slightest attention to footwear, and then I looked at the name on the quote: "Goldie". Enough said.

On a side note, did you know that "Goldie" is the second most popular name for a goldfish, surpassed only by "Jaws"?

10) “If you’ve been flirting like crazy or just believe in a direct approach, blot your lipstick on a white napkin and write, ‘Call me at…’”

-Better yet, race into the men's bathroom right before you think he's going to use it, and write above the urinal, "for a good time, call me at..." If you don't get a response from him, there will be plenty of overweight truckers to fill the void.

Another thought: "do you think they still hand out the phone number '867-5309' anymore for US area codes?"

Final Note:
-I do not wish to discourage girls from asking guys out in any way, I only insist that they do it right. This right way should involve some combination of In-N-Out (get your mind out of the gutter)/Del Taco/Taco Bell, Family Guy/Arrested Development/24 DVD's, and possibly making out. Or going to Borders (yeah, I know I already made fun of shopping for books), or perhaps a sporting event, or maybe a good movie (I'd shy away from Pride and Prejudice). Oh, and I meant probably making out.

Get up, get up, come on, come on, let's go

2005-10-31T20:02:00.000-08:00

Well, life has been a bit crazy for the last week or so, and it will continue to be crazy until Thursday night. So yeah, let's count that as the excuse for not updating. This weekend was pretty intense (we drove up to the Stanford game and stayed at Torch's house) with the climax being a 21 point comeback with 8 minutes left...but we won't get into that, lest this slips into another ridiculously boring chronicle of my own life. I prefer to keep it as a tragic chronicle of life, and a last second victory would ruin those intentions.

Here are a few types of awkwardness that you may or may not have encountered:

The Awkwardness of Being a 21-year-old male watching Laguna Beach
This is what happens when you're watching a replay of the UCLA-Stanford game for the 3rd time, and your roomate switches to MTV, which happens to be playing the hit show Laguna Beach. The three people in the room sit there mesmorized, and nobody wants to voice the fact that you're missing the 4th quarter run of the incredible Drew Olson.

What's worse, while watching, you realize that three 18 year old girls have been talking on camera about NOTHING for the past five minutes...or, rather, YOU can't remember anything they've said. At some point all three males admit they have no clue what is going on, as they haven't heard a single word these girls have been saying, yet you've been watching with utmost interest for the entire time. Thus, you officially deem Laguna Beach a show-that-would-be-exactly-the-same-and-just-as-interesting-(if-not-more-interesting)-if-you-watched-it-on mute. So wrong...I shall never watch again.

The Awkwardness of Getting Showed Up at Piano
This occurs when you are at a relative's house, and they have the other side of their family over (who you don't know very well). At some point, in your boredom, you decide to fiddle around with the piano. Sometime when you're stumbling through a terrible rendition of Greensleeves, having already butchered Fur Elise, your aunt says "hey Troy, keep playing, we actually have a piano teacher in the house."

This is followed by the piano teacher humoring you with the whole, "no, that's pretty good for no formal training." Of course, your embarassment wouldn't be complete if this teacher's 10-freaking-year-old daughter didn't come up to the piano and effortlessly play a piece 1000 times harder than yours. Then everybody looks at you as if you've just lost some sort of battle.

To me, this is like if you were walking down the street holding a football, and suddenly a giant linebacker popped out from the bushes and LEVELLED you at full speed (causing the ball the fall out of your hands). Then, rather than somebody helping you up, they just sit there and say "wow, you sure got CREAMED. Maybe you should have thought of protecting the ball if you're going to carry it across the middle." Just ridiculous.

The Awkwardness of Going Back to your Home Church and Sitting Down Next to the Girl You Never Knew But Somehow ended up going to Senior Prom With
Yeah, this is what happens when your dad picks out the seating arrangement, and you end up sitting right in front of GYNKBSEUGTSPW (Girl you never knew but somehow ended up going to Senior Prom With). Let me give some extra reasons why you would hate your father for doing something like this to you, and why it was especially awkward, despite occurring four years before.

Basically, what happened was that you'd gone to Church for a long time with this girl, and you never knew her, and then one day out of the blue your senior year she asks you at Church to go to her prom with her. Oh, and she doesn't even freaking go to your school! Seeing as these are the only words you've ever heard her speak, you are so surprised (not to mention the fact that you're in church) that you agree, despite the fact that this will now be your second freaking prom and you HATE dances.

Anyway, among other awkward things (like getting treated by her parents as if you are freaking dating or something), you get to drive her dateless friend to prom as well. The prom is, predictably, completely awkward, and there is no before or after party to loosen up (I don't mean drinking by this comment. I just mean that when going to something formal like prom it is nice to hang out in informal settings). Then, prom is over, and you thing that's over with. Wrong.

Despite the fact that you exchanged maybe 4 words during the entire prom, and have NO friends in common, you start to get calls to "hang out" from said girl. This is a brave step, and you respect it, but you decide to send the proper signals and politely refuse. When this ceases to work, you decide to do the honest thing and say you're "not really interested in any sort of relationship at the moment." So okay, it might be a little weird sitting next to her in Church, but things are still all right.

Of course, the next Sunday her MOM finds you all the way across the room, and proceeds to tell you what you did was a stand up and honest thing. Great. But then it is followed by this question: "But, uh, what exactly was the problem? I mean, why didn't you want to go out with her?" You don't blame the girl for this...I mean, NOBODY would want their mom to ask this question...but how the heck are you supposed to answer something like this? Could there be a more uncomfortable moment in your life?!

This is why, 4 years later, you still fear sitting next to her and her family. And in case this hasn't happened to you, and you think I've been a jerk in the story and feel sorry for the girl, I just want to throw out there that she's engaged now. So heck, she's doing better than me. And besides, we were just talking about a hypothetical situation here, right?

Some Book Stuff
-Recently I finished The Secret Agent by Joseph Conrad. It's a little slow in the beginning, but really picks up towards the end. And any of you that were turned off of Conrad because of boring stuff like Lord Jim, give him another chance with Secret Agent.

-Bill Simmons (Sports Guy) was signing books at the Borders in Westwood! I had to shell out $25 for his new book, but it was still cool to get it signed.

-Donald Miller (author of Blue Like Jazz) came and spoke at our college group. Not gonna lie, I didn't agree with a lot of his positions, but I'd still recommend Blue Like Jazz to anyone in their twenties.

-The Bible...yeah, figured I'd put it in here, if we're talking about what I'm reading. What's up HEBREWS 11!

When the last reader comment is about Ovarian Cancer, it's about time to update...

2005-10-22T23:14:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so I'm in Orange County briefly for the weekend. Actually, today I was out in Victorville, so I'm all over the place. It just seems impossible to spend a weekend in Brentwood nowadays, as after Big Bear and Palm Springs I'll be heading up to Palo Alto this weekend. I guess I'm just really cool (Note: this statement does not reflect the opinion of the world, blogspot, or even the person who wrote it).

Anyhow, you're probably wondering what I've been doing in my free time. Well, I'll tell you - I decided to write lyrics for the classical song, "Fur Elise". Make sure you're listening to it so you can match up the words:

Fur-a Fur-a Fur
Oh Fur Elise, oh Fur Elise, oh Fur Elise
Fur-a Fur-a Fur
Oh Fur Elise, oh Fur Elise, yeah Fur Elise
Oh Fur Elise, you are a song, a song that's good, oh Fur Elise
Boo...yah

That's as far as I've gotten, but I'm pretty sure it'll catch on soon. Beethoven would be proud.

And our section on funny searches, boiled down to the one search I want to focus on:
"Gay roomates" - that's right, it finally happened. Somebody got to my site by searching this. Keep in mind that I've described my roomates on numerous occasions, but it was up to the technologically advanced google search engine to put together this conclusion.

When's the fat guy in the Capital One commercial going to get his own movie, or at least his own TV show?
I guess it's just a question, but this guy steals the show from David Spade in these commercials. I don't want to blaspheme and bring up the whole Tommy Boy / Black Sheep tandem, but could we be looking at something in the works here? Do I get royalties if this happens?

Myths that girls hold onto:
Far from complete, this is my section to benefit humanity. Here I describe a variety of situations, and explain the contrast between what a girl believes is happening, and what is actually going on...

REMEMBERING A PREVIOUS CONVERSATION
A guy and a girl are having a conversation. At some point, she says something to the effect of: "Oh, I didn't know you lived in *insert city here*", and begins to guide the conversation in that direction. Hearing this, I - wait, I mean the guy - starts to say "oh yeah, we actually talked about this before. I remember because you said you lived in *city*, and your friend Jamie lives near my house in *other city*." The girl then smiles strangely and says, "Wow, you remembered everything about that conversation!"

What the girl thinks is happening: She believes that the guy has spent extra effort to remember the conversation, and thus has invested interest in her. Her confidence skyrockets, thinking that this guy is attracted to her.

What it ACTUALLY means: That he's freaking smarter than her. Just because he has the mental capacity to recall events that occurred in the last two weeks, it does not mean he is attracted to her. In fact, it is probably the opposite, because if he WAS attracted to her he would have allowed her to keep going in the recycled direction, just to make the conversation to go longer. Most likely, he's pissed he has to converse with somebody 60 IQ points below him.

THE ULTIMATE BACKFIRE (Hilarious to watch, if you're another guy)
There is one girl in the group, and perhaps 4-5 guys. They are all about to head somewhere...let's say Denny's, but there are several different cars. Joey says something like, "hey, does anyone want to ride with me, so I don't have to ride alone? I can take someone back here to get their car." After several seconds of silence, Bryan (you can call him f****** Bryan, ala Dane Cook, or some guy in the group that nobody likes ) accepts Joey's offer. Joey then gives Bryan what at first glance appears to be a smile.

What a girl thinks is happening: Joey is giving a ride to Bryan.

What it ACTUALLY means: Joey is secretly about one brain cell away from MURDERING Bryan. Because when Joey said "does anyone" want a ride, what he was actually asking was "does the girl" want a ride, thinking he could then hit on her all the way over. Instead, he's stuck riding alone with Bryan, seething on the inside, cursing the fact that he'll have to drive 30 minutes OUT OF THE WAY to bring the jerk back. Meanwhile, the other guys all laugh on their car rides to Denny's, loving the fact that Bryan has no idea of protocol.

THE "I HAVE A FRIEND FOR YOU" CARD
***Disclaimer - I only know about this because I've been on two panels where girls have asked us guys if this would work, to which we responded with emphatic 'no's. It has been nearly a year since the last panel, so I'm really hoping this is not still in play, but just in case...

A guy and a girl are hanging out. The girl is interested in the guy, but does not know his feelings in return. At some point, while talking about relationships, she says, "I have a friend that would be perfect for you" or "I'm going to set you up with someone", or "We need to get you a girlfriend".

What a girl thinks is happening - she is feeling him out for a response. That, perhaps somehow, this is a clever way to get him to express his intentions.

What a guy thinks is happening - the girl has expressed she has no interest in him. Since, after all, this is what a girl that is only interested in friendship WOULD say. Any previous intentions the guy wanted to express will instantly be swallowed, as there is absolutely no point in putting himself out there after she has made it so clear there is no interest on her part.

The only reason girls continue to employ this technique is because they believe that men should have to put themselves 100% out there before women have to do anything.

***DISCLAIMER - If you're a guy and a girl has given you this line, there is still probably about a 99% chance that she ISN'T interested. I'm just advising girls on the 1% of the time when they use this in the opposite context - it doesn't work.

THE HALO PLAYER
A guy and a girl are talking, and the guy starts to talk about his Halo playing and statistics.

What a girl thinks this means: The guy is a loser, because he plays video games all day.

What it ACTUALLY means: The guy is a keeper, because he plays video games all day. Think about it - games like Halo require quick reflexes, hand-eye coordination, and intelligence. Halo players are the athletes of the 21st century, because they must employ brain power as well. And so, while these jocks are carrying around their beer gut and hauling bricks in the outstretches of Texas, the Halo player will have a well-paying job, a nice frame (it's harder to down pizza while playing an intense video game than while watching the four consecutive episode of COPS), and a mind that continues to be sharp well into his elder years. Invest in the future, ladies.

THE GUYS GROAN AND TALK AMONGST THEMSELVES
Fred walks into the room full of guys and girls. Fred does some lame screamy thing, gives the girls his usual extensive hugs (most likely including some tongue in their ears), and then begins talking with them. Meanwhile, the other guys sort of look around and begin to talk amongst themselves.

What the girls think is happening - these guys all turned sour for no reason. Perhaps they are just trying to be mean to Fred.

What it actually means - Fred is a DB guy (I leave it to you to figure out what the DB stands for). The other guys don't like him because all he is interested in is hanging all over the girls in the room. He acts friendly to the other guys when girls are around, but as soon as all girls leave the premises, he gives them indifferent grunts and frowns, waiting for a girl to come back or an opportunity to leave and find more girls. It's not that the guys are jealous of Fred - far from it - but it can get sort of awkward having a conversation with Suzie while Fred is humping her leg. So once again, the guys will talk amongst themselves.

THE END
To commemerate the birth of this new section, I will now leave you with a set of lyrics from Jewel's "These Foolish Games" (because I can!):

You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees, and..
These foolish games are tearing me apart,
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.

Just to say it
I hope the White Sox mail one heck of a fruit basket to the umpiring crew of the ALCS.

I'll leave you with this thought
There comes a point when you realize you're never going to date any women at your church - I'm pretty sure that point coincides with when you discover your "sketch" has pissed off every single girl on the church retreat.

Worst call ever

2005-10-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

If my team was so garbage that they needed that crap to win I'd probably find some hole to crawl into and die. That's it.

I am all you ever wanted, what all the other boys all promised...

2005-10-11T23:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, I bet you were expecting the title to have something to do with the fact that the ANGELS BEAT THE YANKEES IN THE ALDS or that they just OWNED THE WHITE SOX TODAY. But you know what, I'm not one to gloat like that. In fact, I consider myself a good winner, and screw you Aaron, Ben, Caleb, Kyle, and every other person who has been telling me constantly over the last week that they couldn't do it. Because they did. And Garret Anderson is the man, as is Bengie Molina. And Derek Jeter is overrated. And A-Rod sucks. And I don't know if Yankee fans are stupid or not (actually I know they are), but they should realize that Bernie Williams is draining 14 million this year to not play defense and to swing a below-average bat, and also miss hit-and-run signs at a crucial point in a crucial game, so maybe they shouldn't be giving him a standing O any time he breathes in the right direction...Oh, and did I mention that A-Rod sucks? I did? Because he IS getting paid 25 million to ground into a double-play in the last inning of the deciding game of the playoff series...

Country music and 4 years of college
Apparently my roomates have been going on some sort of country kick. This kills me. If asked if I want to listen to country music, I would respond with the ol' Homer "Yes, and then we can hug some snakes. WE CAN HUG AND KISS SOME POISONOUS SNAKES!" sarcasm. Unfortunately, I am never asked whether or not I wish to, and I get to hear it constantly. But this will provide me a chance to kill two things I hate with one rant.

Lyrics from Brad Paisley's College:

"A couple of beers on a Tuesday
At one in the afternoon...
Those were the best days of my life
I found my friends, myself, and my wife
I learned almost everything that I know
Without ever gainin' knowledge"

The song basically goes on to talk about how he misses all this class because he's drunk and an idiot. I'm sick of hearing everything about how "College is the best four years of your life" and "it's all downhill after that", which is once again reiterated in this song. So let me address this right now : they might have been the best four years of YOUR life, Mr. Country Singer, but they won't be MINE.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love college. It's great to hang out with friends and the world is open to me blah blah blah. But there's a reason that most people who Brad's talking about think back so favorably to college - it's because that's when they were at the peak of pissing their life away. Sure, if you leave Hick University with a 1.2 GPA, having killed 90% of brain cells with cheap beer and acquiring three different uncomfortable types of STDs, perhaps you WILL look up from your construction/telemarketing job and 6 illegitimate children and think "wow, everything DID start to suck after college."

And it's not that I don't feel sorry for you. Heck, maybe I'll hold out hope that you become the lucky 0.001% that manages to rise from this muck and make it as a country singer, writing uneducated and ridiculous songs about rodeos, horses, and other subjects that stopped being relevant sometime in the mid 19th century (but you won't know that, having "to thank 'Ole George's Bar' for the classes that I missed"). If all this sounds harsh, it is because I've had country music barraging me in every carride for the last week. Oh, and it's cool, because the bear that use to play the jug in the Country Bear Jamboree is actually my brother-in-law...

Success
You may not have noticed this, but there have been several comments/offers from women on my blog over the past weeks asking to bear my children. I've managed to delete them quickly, but don't worry ladies, that's just my way of acknowledging their existence. Continue to leave e-mails and phone numbers, and I will contact you...I'm simply removing the comments for your own protection (there are some weird people on the internet out there. Case and point: I've mentioned this before, but I'm consistently getting about 5 people per week to my site who have searched for "Sex Dungeon".)

Rumors
I don't want to alarm anyone, but recently Ben Clark was seen spooning with Katie Hatfield on the couch. Is there something there? Survey says...inconclusive. If you were reading this and thinking "who are these people?", this is just an illustration on how ridiculous it is to be interested in other people's lives, so think about punching yourself in the face before buying a celebrity gossip magazine. And if you DO know who they are...like, can you believe it? Like, totally, there like must like be like something like serious going on, like right? This is just like that episode of Laguna Beach/the OC/any crappy TV show where that thing happens with the guy and the girl.

Don't I make you laugh? Should I try it harder? Why do you see right through me?
Signing off...

First week of classes...done

2005-10-06T21:21:00.000-07:00

There's not much to talk about, but I'm getting in the once-a-week update that I promised. Let me throw around a few numbers for you...

1 Day - The amount of time it took me to be over class. That is to say, in 1 day I had all idealism kicked out of me, the "I'm going to attend every lecture" part of me slaughtered by impossible accents and CS students that make me look like a professional socialite. I missed 4 hours of class the next day. I really don't know what I was thinking by living away from campus...if I couldn't make it regularly to lectures when I was within walking distance, how am I going to get the motivation to ride a bus?

2 Hours - The time completely wasted because of the bus situation in one day. After being told by our TA's that we "absolutely have lab tomorrow and attendance is mandatory", I showed up and waited with a bunch of other people in the lab. The TA informed us that he had sent out an e-mail, saying that class was cancelled, to which a group of angry CSers shouted back "We just checked our e-mail 10 minutes ago. There was nothing like that!" And of course, there wasn't. So I got to ride the bus back after attending no class.

But don't feel bad for me. Feel bad for the TAs, who have angered a group of Computer Science students. They can be dangerous, like a group of moles that hide underground, planning and biding their time, until at last the wolf pack is asleep and the ground below the wolf's den slowly starts to sink...

Yeah, that might not make a lot of sense. But just imagine how cool it would be if there WAS a fued between moles and wolves. I feel like moles could have such an advantage, since they basically control the earth!

8.67 - the price of two slices of pizza and a medium drink at the pizza place in Ackerman. Every other place was too packed and I didn't have enough time to wait in line, and I couldn't freaking find Taco Bell in there! (I have since been informed that it is in the Coop). Anyway, I was pissed.

1 - number of times I caught one of my roomates looking at gay porn this week. Okay, so it is a longer story than that...he searched for "Troy Masters", and discovered that this also happens to be the name of an Australian [gay] pornstar. Of course, he said "I want to see what this guy looks like", so I'm not sure why that was...

6 Rec, 210 Yds, 2 TD - My fantasy stat line for a football game we played against a bunch of 14 year olds. Yeah, they were only 14, but they challenged US, and we rocked them! Depending on what league you play in, that's usually around 22 points...maybe you should think about picking me up before this Sunday.

8,000 - Estimated number of UCLA students that would turn to violent rebellion were USAC to try and remove Panda Express from campus. Sure, Taco Bell didn't go down without a fight, but that was nothing compared to what would happen if Panda were forced out. There's something they put in that orange chicken that makes people go crazy without it. Would you literally kill someone for orange chicken? Of course you say "no" aloud, but secretly you wonder - "I know John's a good friend, but is an 'orange chicken' good friend?"

Thankfully, Panda Express is a good company, friendly, and would never hurt anyone. Just like real pandas. If they weren't endangered or whatever, I'd probably get one as a pet.

1 hour - Estimated amount of time I lose per day because I don't have TiVo here. That means watching, *GASP*, commercials! The only good part of this is that we can pinpoint the moment when the Burger King mascot snaps and actually DOES become a mass murderer.

2 - The number of episodes of Laguna Beach I've watched in the past week. Actually, the total number of episodes I've watched ever. I'm not proud to admit this. Oh, and these girls are 18, right? RIGHT?

On a side note, I've just learned that my sister watches both the OC and Laguna Beach. I can't tell you how depressed this makes me...she freaking lives in Orange County!

1 - The number of people laughing during the Freshman Bible Study video we made (which was supposed to be funny). Thanks Hilary.

0 - The number of girls I've made out with...in the last three days!

ANGELS WIN, CLINCH PLAYOFFS

2005-09-29T18:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, they clinched the AL West a few days ago! The only thing that could have made it more beautiful was if Esteban Yan was the one to get the victory, but we're cool anyway. Oh, and Vladimir, I'm carrying your child...not really sure how that happened.

Street Fighter Moves
Remember when you would get back from playing 2 hours of Street Fighter at the arcade, then throw things at your friends and younger brother while spouting the phrases like "SONIC BOOM" or "HADOOKAN!"? Well, inevitably this would lead to Street Fighteresque battles, and your mom would step in and say something to the effect of: "I KNEW those games were a bad influence." Don't you remember that? Maybe you just weren't cool.

Anyway, the great thing about now (in college) is that your mom isn't around to stop it anymore. To the annoyance of my roomates, I just figured out I can fire tennis balls at them (making sure to recreate the motion) and say "HADOOKAN!", and there's no mom around to stop it! I seriously can't figure out where this has been for the past 4 years. And if you think it sounds immature, just try chucking a frisbee at your friend as hard as you can, making sure to coincide the "SONIC BOOM" with your release. It just makes life THAT much better.

Ikea
So last Friday I went to Ikea. With 3 girls. In hindsight, I should have expected it to be a long trip. However, female #1 promised it would be an in-and-out trip (I needed to get a bookshelf), which apparently wasn't communicated to females #2 & #3, who pretty much held the belief that Ikea wasn't so much a store as an "experience". Fellows, let me advise you on one thing - if a store hands you a map, a pencil, and two cyanide capsules in the beginning, then has a "path" you're supposed to follow through the place, it's probably not going to be an in-and-out experience.

The good news is that I got a bookshelf for $20. On the other hand, I felt like a little kid going through the store, asking mommy "can we please GOOOOO?!" the whole time and pushing forward, only to realize she's picked up some other useless household object to look at. And what's more annoying is the have all the sofas and beds towards the beginning of the path....by the time you actually NEED to sit down, all they have is a bunch of lights and picture frames! Remind me to lock the next Swedish person I find in a room with no furniture, lights, picture frames, or curtains...that should sufficiently punish them.

Chad Pennington
This is not so much funny as a prediction. Why doesn't Aflac have an injured football player like Chad Pennington, who's probably out for the year, do some commercials for them? I can practically see the stupid thing forming, and it ends with Chad Penningston throwing the annoying duck somewhere and it screaming "AFLAC" in a way that makes even Green party members want to take up hunting...

Finding a partner
For school, duh. I pretty much gave up on the other thing. Anyway, today was my first time taking the bus to school, which also made me feel like a little kid (that seems to be the theme of this post). The problem with this is that I got there 10 minutes late for my lab.

Now, I don't usually mind getting there late. But today we had to pick partners, and in my experience, you always want to show up EARLY for these things. True, we didn't pick partners until the end, but if you stroll in 10 minutes late everybody turns and thinks "crap, this guy's a flake and won't do any work", so you end up getting stuck with the guy who's 20 minutes late and is also a lazy sack. On the other hand, all you have to do is feign interest in the class and show up 10 minutes early on the first day to land yourself a good partner.

For some reason, guys that are responsible and usually do a lot of work only want to partner with other guys that are equally ready to put in the work. That's why, if you fake it for the first class, you can be on easy street from then on! You drop the "I'll be honest, I wasn't paying attention and I don't even know what a CLB is" on the second day of class, when it's too late to switch partners! See, and you didn't think a little hard work would pay off...

There's the update
Yeah, maybe I'll update more than once a week when my life is more exciting (but not exciting enough to not give me any time). For now, this is Red 4 signing off.

If I say it enough, maybe some people WILL start to call me the Space Cowboy...

2005-09-20T17:25:00.000-07:00

but I'm not holding my breath. Just returned from the leadership retreat in Palm Springs, and despite the fortunate ratio of 15 girls to 7 guys, I still was never deemed either "The Gangster of Love" or "Maurice". Too bad.

Why, oh why?
During my absence this weekend, I received three INDEPENDENT hits from people who had searched for "Ass Masters". Yes, I realize my last name is "Masters", but come on! There must be something closer to the query than my name. And am I out of the loop, or is there something that happened this weekend to all the sudden make "Ass Masters" a typical search phrase? Perhaps a new work-out machine is on the market, or a proctology group started a new marketing campaign? The other options are a little more disturbing...

Awkward like a FOX
I'm convinced that my friends are purposely trying to force me into awkward situations now. For instance, yesterday we decide to go visit Carolyn at Literatti's. So, as we're approaching the door, we're engaged in conversation, though I notice Ed and Torch are suddenly falling back a little. I reach for the door, only to see why they had backed off - two women were approaching the door from the inside at the same time. Obviously, this is the worst position to be in, knowing that there will have to be some quick decisions. But I decided to swing the door open (getting the handle right before them) and let them pass.

Of course what happens is that they stare at me dumbly. I'm standing there with the door open, and they just keep freaking standing there! I mean, there's like two plays they have...go through, or just use the other door (which is technically their door anyway), but NOOOOOOO, I get that is just too freaking difficult! After a solid three seconds, I finally just decided to walk through first and end this showdownt, expecting Ed and Torch to follow me.

Do they? Of course not. Ed pulls back, and THEN the women decide to walk outside. Yeah, so I look like a JERK to everyone around.

But it doesn't end there. The same situation occurs in Ralph's like five minutes laters. We are going for the same point as another person, and, after the first encounter that night, I decide to pull back and let him pass. This time, however, Ed and Torch decide to go first while I step back. The person is paused anyway, but I'm going to stick to my guns and weather this. Yet once again, this person just stares at me like I'm an IDIOT, and we stand there for a solid 10 seconds. I hate people. Just like I said we needed hazard lights for people in my last post, I think we need blinkers and crap for them as well. Otherwise I'll just keep guessing WRONG.

Other Random Stuff
-"She hooked up with a random guy! That's so GAY!" (A quote from my brilliant roomate).

-There was also a strange (read "awkward") scenario in the pool this weekend when we were playing three flies up. One of the girls' bathing suit tops kept getting untied (but not coming off), leading her to turn to me and jokingly say: "Do you keep untying my top?"

I responded sarcastically with, "Yeah, while in mid-air and reaching for the ball with one hand, I am simultaneously trying to untie the complex knot of your top with my off-hand."

Unfortunately, apparently nobody in the group had heard her joking accusation in the first place, leading them to look at me quite strangely after my statement (not anticipating sarcasm). Yup, just my luck - they all just thought I tried a terrible pick-up line on her and was a PERVERT. Please recall that this was a Church retreat as well. I'm pretty sure nobody else gets stuck in these situations nearly as frequently as myself, and for the life of me, I can't figure out why...

And here comes the post...

2005-09-13T02:58:00.000-07:00

I'd say it's been pretty busy/hectic since moving back to LA, and that's the reason for the lack of posts, but can playing Halo side-by-side on two TVs and X-boxes from midnight to 6 am really be considered "busy"?

Just to get an idea on how ridiculous this is becoming, I decided to go to bed at 4 am last night while my roomate still wanted to play Team Snipers. You'd think 4 am would be a pretty reasonable hour to go to sleep. Instead, he starts screaming at me to get up and play Halo with him. When I ignore him, he picks up his can of change and begins throwing pennies and quarters at the window by my head. I'm pretty sure this is why it's not a good idea to keep a gun under your pillow...

Anyway, when I confronted him about it today, I said that he was "belligerent" the night before, to which he responded "I wasn't belligerent! Belligerent is where you can't control your body." Riiggghhht. One of his other brilliant quotes: "What's up with these puffins? They're just wannabe penguins..."

Errands

The other day I managed to break from my busy schedule and head into Ralph's to pick up a sandwich. Inside, there were two butchers working there: one fat, and the other skinny. This immediately set me into a panic...I desperately wanted the fat one to make my sandwich. Why? Because he freaking knows what he's doing. Who do you think's more experienced and knowledgeable about meat and making sandwiches - the twiggy dude, or they guy that looks like eating is a recreational sport for him? When he gives me a little grin and tells me the sandwich is going to be good, I genuinely believe him. On the other hand, getting stuck with a skinny butcher is like going to a dentist whose teeth look like a 25 year-old keyboard.

Hazard Lights

My advice to anyone moving out to LA for the first time is this - learn to use your hazard lights. You see, the beauty of these things is that they transform any parking that is ILLEGAL into something that is LEGAL. Want to swing by Subway, but the only parking spot is in front of a fire hydrant? No problem, just flip on the hazard lights. Want to stop in the middle of a busy street so you can talk to a friend? Duh, that's what hazard lights are for.

But why stop there? Let's get some personal hazard lights. "Aggravated Assault? No no Officer, you must not have seen that my hazard lights are on."

Seriously, is there any other point to these things? Are they suppose to be the car equivalent of SOS? "Oh crap, car...stopping...in front...of...me. No time for the brakes, I'm going down! Must...reach...hazard lights...before...impact-"

"Hey, you think the guy in the car that just slammed into the median needs some help? Holy crap, his HAZZARD LIGHTS are on. Quick, Maureen, hand me my telephone...I shall contact the local peace officer immediately!"

And the ladies

So it's pretty much impossible for me to walk down the street without hearing the following shout-out: "Hey, aren't you Troy from the Dungeon of Awkwardness? I knew it! See Billy, I TOLD YOU it was him. Anyway T-dizzle, how are the ladies treating you?"

It is for this reason that I've decided to address the following topic: DON'T CALL ME T-DIZZLE. Oh, and to say that I'm doing just fine with the women. Now that I'm back in LA I am optimistic about my WTT category rising. And, not to put any extra pressure on myself, but I'm pretty much going to try and be married - or at least engaged - by the end of the year. Just kidding! (But I'm not...any takers?)

Finally, with all my free time, I did some brainstorming to come up with the following pick-up line: "Hey, you wanna make out..." (wait a few seconds to read the facial response, which will most likely be horror) "a grocery list or something, because I'm heading to Ralph's later and I could pick some stuff up for you". Of course, this backfires if they DO decide to make out a grocery list, but you can just respond with something like "Screw you, I'm not your errand boy." So far I've used this on four girls, and I would consider it fairly successful.

Final thoughts

-Just because I say I'm going to socialize doesn't mean I will. Yeah, I might be all pumped in the car when listening to a good song, but once inside I'll probably start to feel tired right away and just sit down and read. I would liken this to when you go to bed late one night and say "Man, I'm going to start the day right tomorrow and get up and run and it will be awesome." Then your alarm goes off at 9 am, you smack it and go right back to sleep, all the while wondering "what the hell was I thinking last night? I can't get up for this..."

-The time that having a female roomate sucks most is when she catches you dancing in your room. There's just no way to play it off...

-You wonder why I don't post...as soon as I got the last comment and had a little motivation, I went ahead and posted again. But before that, there was NOTHING.

I'm in love

2005-08-26T23:33:00.000-07:00

No, not really, but that was the answer to the riddle. If you've listened to the song "Friday I'm in Love" by the Cure, you have no excuse for not getting that correct. In fact, I'm only posting because I have to get the answer up tonight so there isn't a rebellion. Love is for suckers (suckas, if you will) anyway.

Payback
Recently, after my laptop wigged out on me and I had to reconfigure my hard drive for the umpteenth time, I decided to look up the prices on some new desktops. I saw that for $600 dollars I could get a new computer with specs much better than my current one, and I had a bit of extra money from my job this summer. Thus, I had been trying to make the difficult decision of whether or not to purchase a new computer.

Well, it seems Fate has made the decision for me. Our subletter decided to move out early and not return any phonecalls or threatening letters, meaning that he's basically screwing me out of the 700 dollars or so that he owes me. So I guess that's a "no" on my new computer. Easy enough.

It's funny, because whenever I was suspicious of people, my mom always used to tell me that "everybody is not out to get you, Troy." However, to something like this she responds with the ol' "live and learn." This is fine and all, but would the lesson to "learn" from "living" in this case be that you should never trust people? Or, in other words, everybody IS out to get you?

Interestingly, the movie "Payback" with Mel Gibson was on tonight on TNT. I'm just saying...

Esteban Yan
Yes, the subject of discussion once again. Today in the Register, Jeff Miller complained about his pay: "Esteban Yan, 1 million??!!!!!".

*Sigh*. I don't know why it is so hard to understand. HIS LAST NAME RHYMES WITH HIS FIRST NAME! It sounds beautiful on the tongue. If I had a stroke or something and could only repeat two words for the rest of my life, "Esteban Yan" would definitely be in the running. And seriously, what more can you want from a reliever that only sees action in games separated by 5 or more runs?

Drive Me Crazy
I always like to check what's on Comedy Central during the commercials of the Angels game. Today, it was a movie called "Drive Me Crazy", starring that girl that used to be on the show "Clarissa Explains It All" (an old Nickelodeon thing) that has since faded into oblivion. Anyway, I decided to continue watching it during commercials in order to answer two pressing questions:

1) How would they deal with the fact that Clarissa (forgot her name in the movie) is supposed to be the most popular girl in a school full of students that are extremely shallow, despite the fact that she is not nearly as attractive as her supporting cast?

Answer: they don't, and it becomes increasingly hilarious as they put her side by side with ridiculously hot girls.

2) When would the Britney Spears song after which the movie was named make its appearance?

Answer: at the party, where they have the inevitable "'misunderstanding where the girl looks in at the wrong time and sees the guy kissing some other girl even though that other girl forced herself on him and he pushes her away a second later, but the main girl has already turned and misses this?" - if you don't understand why this is in quotes, just read my post from yesterday. Sometimes it hurts to always be THIS right.

My favorite line comes when a football player punches some kid, after this kid has pulled him off of a horrified girl: "Get off me, this isn't 'Revenge of the Nerds!"' I seriously couldn't stop laughing, though I don't think this was meant to be a joke.

I don't care about you

2005-08-25T01:17:00.000-07:00

Doesn't even start
Never looking back
Watch the walls instead

A note on the above
I just felt like doing an extremely easy riddle. Can you guess what I will write on Friday? Perhaps read the last few posts...Oh, and the answer is not true of me. The only rules are these: 1) You cannot use google and 2)First one to get it (most likely the first person to read this) will literally receive a cookie from me (cookie will be purchased from Diddy Reese, it is up to the winner to transport himself/herself to Westwood).

How people got here
This is a new section I will be including, which basically details the most ridiculous searches that end up bringing people to my site (for some reason I get a lot from MSN searches and some from Google, but almost none from Yahoo). These are real searches that bring people here, as my server tells me referring links.

"Sex Dungeon"
Well, I can see how we have the "dungeon" in common, but you would think there are like a million other sites that would come up with the word "sex". It always make me feel good to know I have this calibre of people coming to my site.

"Dog photographs by Faith Urkel"
Umm, no comment.

"Buttgrabber"
Understandable, as I did do an article on a buttgrabber a few weeks ago, but still, who searches for this? Oh, and here's the kicker - the search was from China. Go figure.

"Megaman CASH ONLY"
Yes.

Was I wrong about Danica?
You might recall that some months ago I grew frustrated at men and the media who thought Danica Patrick was hot, as they just seemed to be wrong. However, when I saw her tonight on Lettermen, I was surprised to see that she looked good. REALLY good. Which makes me wonder - could it be ME who was wrong? And, if so, what else have I been wrong about? Things are beginning to crumble, leading me to question myself and my worldview...

Just a few things before we continue

-This post will be long, and for the most part incoherent, so maybe you should take it in small bites.

- I'm looking forward to the arrival date of my Band of Brothers set like it's Christmas or something. They showed the first episode on History channel, thereby hooking me, then failed to show any more (that I could find)! The episodes were out at Blockbuster, and it was $100 at Best Buy, so I had to order it off the internet. Needless to say, exciting times are to come (and no, I am not one to purchase a lot of DVD's. My DVD collection is limited to the Matrix, the 3 Lord of the Rings, Braveheart, Gladiator, and the Angels World Series season).

-Twister Orange-Cranberry Clash is the best juice-based drink EVER. Twister has always been good and reliable, but only with this Orange-Cranberry ensemble did it approach greatness. I don't particularly like orange or cranberry juice, but when they mix it together and add plenty of suger, it is FREAKING DELICIOUS. And no, I was not paid to say that.

-Pop-tarts are extremely challenging to toast. The problem is that you unwrap them, but somewhere between the cupboard and the pantry you take a little nibble, only to find that you want a whole bite, only to find you want another bite, and then when you're left with half the pop-tart you think "what the hell's the point now?" and just finish it off. They should invent a wrapper or something that only comes off in the toaster, to save us from ourselves.

UNFUNNY THINGS (that you should shut-up about)
One of my favorite quotes from Stewie: "Oh, let me guess. You've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn, and turn, until... ooh! Big shock, a jack pops out. And, you laugh, and the kids laugh, and the dog laughs, and I die a little inside."

Okay, so only the last part is relevant to what I'm talking about, but you need the whole thing to do it justice. Anyhow, these are things that stopped being funny about 20 years ago, but for some reason show up OVER and OVER in gags, low-quality comedians, and in the mouths of unfunny-people-who-try-to-pretend-they-have-a-personality. This is only a short list off the top of my head, but this might be a regular section from here on out as well.

People who leave their blinkers on
Yes, I realize that it is annoying to drive behind somebody that has left his blinker on, but before you make some crack about old people or asians, just know this: it's not funny. Every possible angle has been covered, and you are not original. In fact, I would be so bold as to say that if YOU are making comments about this, YOU are probably the one that used to drive with your blinker always on, and now you must tell these stale jokes over and over again to remind yourself to shut the blinker off.

Guys getting waxed
Did you know that if you rip thousands of hair seedlings (scientific term) out of your skin at once, it will hurt? Yeah, so did I. This is the sole reason I still have yet to see 40 Year-Old Virgin, despite the fact that I've heard great things and even been told this scene is funny. It's just so frustrating to know exactly what these mindles writers are thinking:

"Hmm, we're about 10 minutes short in this romantic comedy. Let's see, have we already added the token 'misunderstanding where the guy looks in at the wrong time and sees the girl kissing some other guy even though that other guy forced himself on her and she pushes him away a second later, but the main guy has already turned and misses this?' Dang. Okay, well let's add a scene where the guy gets waxed, saying something like 'how much can it hurt if women get it done?' and then during the process says something stupid like 'Aye Chihuaha!' . That way we make the women feel good about themselves, as if they have some sort of pain threshold, because the thick hair on a man's back and chest is really comparable to the few bits of fuzz on a woman's legs."

Vomitting
Yes, people throw up. When did we need 5 minute scenes of people doing this over and over again?

Bad guy getting bit in the groin by a dog
Okay, this more has to do with stupid children's movies, but can one of these end WITHOUT having the evil-guy-that-wants-money-or-something getting bit "comically" in the groin by the family hound? I put "comically" in quotes, because it is in fact unfunny. Dogs are not that smart, and there are about a million places they would bite before the groin, and the dog would be put to sleep the next day anyway, regardless of the complex nature of the man's obsession with money (as if the dog has some sense of this).

Carson Daly
I hope I spelled his name wrong. This one's for Ed, who sat horrified after Conan, saying repeatedly, "Carson has no personality. Troy, can you PLEASE put something in your blog about how he has NO PERSONALITY!" And he's absolutely correct. You may think I put this in here because it is no longer fair game to make fun of Carson Daly, since we've heard it so many times. But this is one of those rare exceptions, where he sucks so much that there is no statute of limitations. Seriously, how can someone with barely above average looks, no talent, no personality, and no sense of humor get so far?

Long wait at the DMV
Holy crap, are you really telling me that a bureacratic organization made up of government union workers that have no incentive to work harder because they can neither be promoted nor fired would have lines that move slow?! The average person probably goes to the DMV 10 times in their life, so maybe we can come up with observations that are a bit wittier. Like "why do they put men's shampoo and Q-tips in the same aisle as women's stuff at the grocery store? No guy wants to go down that aisle, and yet we are compelled by forces beyond our control..."

Off to bed
I really wanted to post more, but my sanity is waning, so it'll have to wait.

It's grey too

2005-08-24T01:13:00.000-07:00

Break my heart
Heart attack
Stay in bed

It's grey

2005-08-23T01:12:00.000-07:00

Break my heart
Heart attack
Stay in Bed

I don't care if it's blue

2005-08-22T01:10:00.000-07:00

You can fall apart
I don't care if it's black
You can hold your head

The Big Story (I guess)

2005-08-17T02:13:00.000-07:00

Well, at first I wasn't going to dignify it with a response, but due to overwhelming pressure I am forced to make a statement. You see, a certain borderline human being has recently taken up the cause of smearing my good name before all the blogging public. I suppose this is to be expected, when you have the legions of fans as I do, that a crazy one might claim to "know" me. I feel a little like Paul Sheldon in Misery, when the"number one fan" becomes increasingly obsessed with a great writer. However, as things sit, I will respond to a few of the accusations:

"He built robots on weeknights, and wrote novels on weekends."

-The inaccuracy of this sentence sets the tone for the rest of his post. Seeing as I merely programmed the artificial intelligence for software robots, the 'built' is only correct if you greatly stretch the definition. Furthermore, this was only during the course of one weekend, once. Also, I wrote (and continue to write) novels with little regard for the day of the week.

"Troy's self-esteem has plummeted actually leading him to make a bet against himself about having a g/f within the next year. Yah, he is actually trying to sabotage his own love life for 20 bucks.. "

-My self-esteem is as high as ever, and it really isn't about the twenty dollars...it's about WINNING.

"He gives all women code names and only refers to them as their code names in fear of them finding out that he could possibly be interested.."

-Now this is TOTALLY incorrect. Only once was a girl ever given a code name, and this was done by several parties, and it was for HER protection.

"If a girl might have possibly figured out her code name, all hell breaks loose, and he decides he could never speak to this girl again... When a girl actually IS interested he runs, because "things might get awkward."

-Once again, ERRONEOUS ON BOTH ACCOUNTS! These situations only arise become some IDIOT (i.e. the accusor) tries to annoy me by telling me I'm in love with some girl, until he starts believing his own lies (remember, mental capacity = LOW), then decides to tell her this is true, and finally wonders why the situation becomes awkward.

"He went home for the summer and currently spends 8 hours a day playing world of warcraft, and loathing his existence( I added the last part for emphasis.) "

-First of all, he rips on me for being EMPLOYED. Sorry, we don't all have Acura MDX's grow on trees for us...hence the eight hours a day. He says that I loathe my existence, but soon admits this is false and he only added it "for emphasis". Now, what exactly is he trying to emphasize? Most of the time color is added to a powerpoint presentation "for emphasis", or perhaps something is TYPED IN CAPS "for emphasis". But flat-out falsitudes must be the worst use of "for emphasis" this side of the Mississippi! For instance, if I say "Jack Bauer is a wimp" and then say "the latter added for emphasis", what does that even mean?! Does it make the statement any less blasphemous?

"He is an expert on guide writing though...Once when I told him I didn't know the HTML code to bold text off the top of my head he exclaimed... "

-*Sigh*, just utter incoherence. What does a guide written in word have to do with HTML? How does this show my expertise in guide-writing?

"Recently I went to the beach with Troy. His pasty white skin could only be the result of hours of sitting in front of a computer. He told us his eyes actually hurt because he hadn't seen a computer screen all day..."

-Clearly, this is some sort of fantasy. Typically, a stalker will fantasize about some sort of romantic situation (such as the beach), and then trick himself into believing his hero was actually there with him. It is harder to believe said fantasy if it is too idealistic, and therefore the mind will often add certain untrue bits to bring down the fantasy to a more realistic level. In this case, supposed "pasty white skin." I can assure you ladies, my skin is sexier than ever...

"Whenever one of his guy friends has a significant other, he cannot be within a five mile radius of them. Kyle recently wanted to go to an angels game with Troy and Shannon. Troy couldn't handle this... "

- What frightens me most is that this stalker has somehow managed to get the names of two real people I know (Kyle and Shannon). However, with regards to the awkward situation he suggests, I think there is nothing unusual about not wanting to spend 3 hours alone with your friend and his girlfriend. Two wheels can be fun (extremely fun), four wheels works great, but three wheels just isn't my thing - perhaps the accusor's own kinky/disgusting habits are to be called into question...

And for the record, I DID go to the Angels game.

"Troy, I love you man, and I just want you to be normal again..."

-Interesting, and this undermines the whole post. You see, if a friend really did want the best for his other friend and wanted to boost his low confidence, would he go about dedicating an entire post to making fun of him in a PUBLIC forum? Probably not...

So, here is the message I actually left after this post was called to my attention:

"Hey -----, this is Troy. Yeah, uh, just wanted to tell you that you're a bastard, and that I hate you. Umm, yeah, so DON't call me back [instead of 'call me back'], and, uh, I WON'T talk to you later [instead of 'talk to you later'], okay. Badbye [instead of 'goodbye']."

I think I got the point across and was extremely effective.

One More Thing
Man I'm tired. Anyway, I saw a commercial on TV today (I think it was for Ross) that seemed to be a typical commercial, with an annoying/catchy (the first part of the slash is for intelligent people, the second part is for the rest of the population) song playing in the background. At first I didn't pay attention to it, until I heard the same lyrics over and over. Here they are:

You got the look I like, I like the way you look.
You got the look I like, I like the way you look.
You got the look I like, I like the way you look.
You got the look I like, I like the way you look.

So, uh, at what point did our society just stop trying? At some point we went from "I love everything about you" to "You're really hot and your personality is decent as well" to "Ah, screw it, we're both attractive, do we really have to pretend we have some deeper connection?" Just a thought...

Tomorrow (and by tomorrow, I mean the next time I get around to updating), I'll be posting on the merits of Tivo with respect to watching mediocre romantic comedies (there're more than you might think!), and may even talk about something important. But probably not.

I would call them ramblings, but that would suggest there's no genius behind them...

2005-08-12T03:13:00.000-07:00

First off, just wanted to say that Casey's gone back to the Midwest, and she will be missed. We've tried to export others to this area (e.g. Stephen), but like a boomerang he just keeps coming back. Also, I recently reached the 3K hit milestone, which pretty much assures me a spot in the hall of fame. Bring it, Jose, I can take the accusations!

I may be immature, but someone's gotta come up with better names for these things...
This morning (err, afternoon) I was reading the paper with breakfast, and I came across an article about a flower that blooms very rarely. No, I didn't read the article, but I did get to catch the name of this plant in the headline - broomrape flower. And no, you didn't read that wrong, there is no typo, and it is neither bloomrape or broomrale or anything like that...you can look it up in an encyclopedia if you don't believe me. I can't recommend googling "broomrape", for obvious reasons. Of course, this raises the question of WHO THE HELL NAMES THESE THINGS? Seriously, this is the last time we allow a scientist to name a flower based on the answer to the following question: "Hey son, what did you do at your highschool football hazing party today?" The rose ain't smelling so sweet under this name, is it?

The award for best naming goes to...
Joe Blanton's parents. If I had never seen Joe Blanton before, but you handed me photographs of every player on the Oakland athletics and then told me only the fact that his name was "Joe Blanton", I would pick him out in a heartbeat. Yes, it might not necessarily be a virtue to look exactly like your name, but my hat goes off to Joe Blanton anyway. I think we should give his parents the job of naming flowers, lest we come up with "statutory violets" anytime soon.

Tragic, but not me
Recently, one of my adoring fans sent a link referring me to an article about a guy who died of exhaustion after playing 49 straight hours of computer games. I would mention the sender of this link, except that this person did some serious insinuating, and therefore does not deserve to be mentioned. Fear not, my fan base, I do not play video games quite often or long enough for this to occur.

Guide to TV watching
I am always amazed by how many people watch MTV. There is absolute crap on at every hour, and even its best programs are below par compared to what is on other channels. If you feel that you absolutely MUCH catch whatever horrendous reality show is on, I'll save you some time:

Muscular-guy-that-puts-his-hair-up-in-the-middle confronts Other-muscular-guy-that-puts-his-hair-up-in-the-middle about something or other, filling his sentences with phrases like "i thought you were on my side" or "hurting the team" or "stabbed in the back" in an order that does not particularly make sense. Sassy-girl comes up during the confrontation and adds more incoherence to the already ridiculous conversation, until eventually they all agree that the real problem is the unattractive guy/girl who got on the show simply because they needed the token unnattractive guy/girl. They go back into the confession room and talk about the conversation as if it were the Edict of Milan, like somehow they've brought justice to their absurd lives.

Thus, I can only think you would watch MTV if you thought there was nothing else on. But that's not true! Even if you don't have Tivo, you can ALWAYS do better than MTV...

Your first stop (assuming there are no Simpsons or Seinfelds on) is going to be ESPN/ESPN2. These can be followed up by the Fox Sports Nets as well. If, however, you find these filled with some combination of golf/NASCAR/bowling/Poker (seriously, I'm soooo sick of it by now), you might have to bail.

My next step is usually split between TNT and Comedy Central. TNT has some quality drama, especially with the 3 hours of Law and Order on every night. The movies they show are rarely that crappy (often Die Hard or Lethal Weapon), and they've even got a few new shows that look promising. The only thing you have to worry about is running into an episode of Charmed - then you forget about that channel in a HURRY. Comedy Central usually has something funny, whether it be Daily Show or Chapelle or Mind of Mendez or a good comedy, though occassionally they miss with one of the movies, or decide to put Wanda Sykes on. Anything with Wanda Sykes is an IMMEDIATE channel-changer. Oh, and don't forget about Reno 911, that is quality.

Dropping down to the third tier, you're looking at TBS/FX/History Channel. History channel has surprisingly good programs, though they rerun them so often that they won't be a source of permanent sustanence. TBS and FX are both a little risky - TBS could land you with a Sex and the City (no self-respecting male can watch this), and FX often has a slew of Fear Factors on back-to-back. These programs, are, unfortunately, almost at MTV quality. If you're lucky, however, you might land a classic X-Files on FX or maybe even an episode of the Shield.

If it's late at night, Cartoon Network's adult swim can usually make me laugh. CBS usually has some crime investigation clone of CSI on at the time, and most of these know how to do suspense, so it might be worth checking out. NBC can also hammer out some good dramas and might be worth flipping by. Avoid ABC at all costs, and Fox should be avoided as well unless you know what's on (Simpsons/Family Guy/Arrested Development, etc.)

Now, you might be tempted to flip to the WB at some point. DON'T! I can assure you that there is nothing on there worth watching, and the second you see a clip of some crappy rerun of Gilmore Girls, you are going to wish you were dead. Also avoid UPN - you might think the reruns of Seinfeld would be a comment on the quality of other programs, but it only takes one look at The Parkers/Buffy/Girlfriends to send you into full retreat mode.

Well, I'm really tired and that ended up being longer than I thought it was going to be, so I'll go to bed, knowing I have made the world a better place by giving this message. Once more, here is a public service announcement: AVOID MTV, like you're Joe Morgan running from a copy of Moneyball.

Here we go again...

2005-08-09T02:32:00.000-07:00

Yeah, thanks for the overwhelming response in the comments. Don't think I don't know how many unique readers to see this, because I do, which means you either failed to keep score properly for the test or failed to report it. And Ferraro, you may think that the solution to all my problems is a nice punch in the face, but you underestimate the power of a well-timed kick in the shin.

Why did I decide to post?
Because when asked why I stayed up until 4 am the previous night, my answer was: "I got hooked on this History Channel thing about Bonnie and Clyde." Yes, that might not sound too ridiculous, except it was my second time watching it THAT DAY! Do all people that work at home feel this same amount of guilt?

Joining the army?
For some reason, I find myself drawn inexplicably towards the army. Well, maybe I can explain it - while they're out fighting and doing crap that I can't even imagine, my job is to write a guide for people who have way to much time on their hands. Or maybe it's the fact that I just finished From Here to Eternity (for the record, there IS fighting in the last 50 pages out of 900, though I ended up enjoying it). Either way, there is always one thing that really stops me from giving it any good thought...is it the idea of dying? the heat? Nope, ERRONEOUS on both accounts! Rather, it is unclean bathrooms. I consider the fact that I'd probably have to use freaking messed up bathrooms at some point, and the idea is no longer appealing at all.

Oh man, what is the world coming to?
Okay, so one of the referring links to my site came from search engine - not surprising there. However, some sick dude had searched for "sexy child supermodels" to get here. What the #$%@&? Is there anything like that AT ALL on my site? And who the heck searches for something like that anyway? Just when I was starting to have some faith in the world...(actually, that's a lie, I was never starting to have faith in the world, but I said it for effect).

Needless to say, he won't be finding his way back to my site anytime soon.

Can I get a handclap for the way I work my back?
Really, just a little applause would do A LOT for my confidence. Anyway, Jessica, just want you to know that I am definitely judging you.

Can I see how people can become recluses?
I know, I know, there's really no reason to make the above headline a question, except that it is sort of the "theme" for this posting. Anyhow, the answer is YES. If you spend long stretches of time interacting with a minimal amount of people, you (and by you, I mean ME) find it easier just to avoid situations where you would normally have human interaction. The idea of reading a book or writing something sounds so much more appealing, and so even going out and getting a simple haircut can be a momentuous occasion.

What made the haircut that much more difficult?
Right off the bat, I decided I couldn't go in the afternoon on a weekday. This was because going in the afternoon on a weekday would make me look like I was unemployed, and therefore = loser, which for some reason I couldn't take. On the other hand, nights were out of the picture because I was usually caught doing something else by then, and the idea of getting my haircut would be so detestable that it was impossible. Thus, my only chance was on a weekend during the day. Unfortunately, I recalled that there is usually an attractive girl that works there on weekends, bringing me to the attractive girl working at haircut place dilemma...

The Attractive Girl Working at Haircut Place Dilemma
Okay, so I only go to get a haircut when I really NEED a haircut. This means that without proper grooming, my hair looks completey messed up and I end up looking pretty stupid. This stupidity is covered often by me using a bit of gel when it's overgrown, turning me from an Urkel into a Stephan (I apologize, I just really wanted to use that reference). However, I can't use gel if I'm about to get my haircut, or else I'll have to pay the extra $4 for a hairwash when I can wash it at home FOR FREE! So you can see how I'd be stuck - there was no way for me to walk into that place without looking like Jebediah the Axe Murderer, and even Tag body spray can't turn Jebediah the Axe Murderer into a ladies man.

The Island and Wedding Crashers
The Island was interesting in the beginning, until things started blowing up left and right for no particular reason. The only constant throughout the movie was Scarlett's hotness. I would rate her hotness in this movie above that of In Good Company, but a tad below that from Lost in Translation.

Wedding Crashers, on the other hand, was - true to most things I've heard - hillarious. However, there were several dead spots in the movie, which people failed to mention. My guess is because they were all WOW'd by the last 15 minutes, as Will Ferrel's cameo is probably the funniest 5-10 minutes I've seen in ANY movie, and forgot about the slower moments. Needless to say, the males in my household (all who've seen it) have been driving my mother crazy with the shouts of: "MOM, THE MEATLOAF, WE WANT IT NOW!"

That's all for now...
Hopefully you found that as thoroughly uninspiring as I did. I think I have to drive up to LA tomorrow or something, which means I have to go to sleep soon. I drove up the other week and I said something that Steve deemed "Blogworthy", but I've forgotten what it was, so that's unfortunate. Oh, I also managed to calculate the exact position AND momentum of a particle at the same time this past week, so EAT IT HEISENBERG.

Take the Nerdometer Test (Also known as the Troy compatibility test)

2005-07-28T01:29:00.000-07:00

You can be honest here, since you're rating yourself. Yeah, you'll probably lie later about your score, because you're a liar. That's right, you're a filthy liar. Learn to deal with it. Here's the test (remember to write down your answers!):

1. When I think of the sun, I think of...
a) Bronzing my sexy body for my fashion show
b) The summer
c) Burning
d) I try not to think about non-artificial light

2. To me, MMORPG means...
a) Too many letters in one sentence, or thing, or whatever a collection of letters is
b) Nothing
c) Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game
d) Life

3. To me, PC means...
a) Loser
b) Politically Correct
c) Personal Computer
d) Program Counter

4 .If I were chased by a rabid animal, I would...
a) Close my eyes, DUH, so they can't see me.
b) Run as fast as possible.
c) Play dead, like when that bully Herman picked on me at school.
d) Slay it with my enchanted Broadsword of Ulgarman!

5. When I think of a Mac, I think of...
a) What I did with this girl/guy last night - oooh riiggghhhht, giggity giggity giggity!
b) A friend of mine
c) Good software, but subpar hardware
d) GAAAAAAAAAH, platform compatibility issues!

6. When it comes to interacting with members of the opposite sex, I...
a) Always breathe easy, because I remember the condoms I just bought.
b) Try to think of witty things to say.
c) Sweat nervously and pray to God the conversation will end soon.
d) Cover my ears, close my eyes, and count to ten, hoping they will be gone when I return.

7. The best day of my life was when...
a) I learned a girl can't get pregnant if it's her first time.
b) Won some award or something.
c) Got my new computer
d) Defeated Dungeonmaster Gargoth of the Underground Goblin Tribe

8. My favorite fiction to read is...
a) Fast and Furious - the novelization
b) Something by Stephen King or John Grisham or Tom Clancy
c) Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings or both
d) Russian Literature. Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Nabokov, Chekhov...oh crap I must stop, excitement is bad for heart!

9. When it comes to blogs, I...
a) Hate them. I only came here because it was linked from a porn site.
b) Occasionally read them.
c) READ THEM ALL THE TIME. OMG, when is your next update Troy? I NEEEEEED IT, baby, you don't even understand how bad!
d) Write one.

10. I buy my clothing from...
a) Urban Outfitters. Their rebellious image is just like me, who is rebellious and a rebel, but not an uncool rebel like the Star Wars rebels. I am a cool rebel.
b) Wherever I find the clothes I want at a reasonable price.
c) Nowhere. I don't need new clothes, and if I do, my mom will buy them for me.
d) Nowhere. I make my own +12 agility clothing from the mageweave cloth I gather from Ogre Mages.

11. To discover the pattern that each of the answers go increasingly nerdy took me...
a) Wait wait wait, this is NOT my Batman glass. I mean, there's a pattern?
b) 5 questions
c) 2 questions
d) Since by definition a pattern must consist of two or more objects in a series, I guess two, though I figured there was a high probability after the first question, considering there are 24 permutations and you chose that specific one.

12. If I were stranded on a desert island and could only have one person living with me for the span of a year, I would take...
a) Two chicks/dudes at once!
b) My best friend.
c) Can I substitute "internet access" for a person?
d) Troy Masters. He's clever enough to keep me intellectually stimulated, sexy enough to keep me physically stimulated, and witty enough to provide hours of entertainment.

13. Sports are...
a) Cool because of the cheerleaders and stuff, but how the hell am I supposed to keep score with all these complicated rules?
b) Fun to watch and play.
c) Terrifying.
d) Okay, except when f**** Fred Taylor goes down AGAIN and tanks my fantasy team for the third consecutive year!

14. My favorite music to listen to is...
a) Clay Aiken - that chick is hot!
b) Popular stuff.
c) Songs about girls that break-up with me, errrr, I mean the singer.
d) The theme songs from Mario Bros, Megaman, and Bubble Bobble.

15. For me, Axe bodyspray is...
a) Unnecessary. I get all the chicks/guys I want without effort.
b) Okay smelling, but I don't know if I'd ever use it.
c) A recipe for disaster with my hives.
d) My last hope, because LORD KNOWS that stupid TAG bodyspray did nothing to help me out!

16. The theory of relativity means...
a) I can't do it with my cousin.
b) Something about Einstein or something.
c) What, you mean specific or general?
d) Einstein was an idiot. My theory is sooo much more accurate, if only people would listen!

17. For corrective lenses, I wear...
a) Beer bottles.
b) Nothing.
c) Contacts or glasses.
d) Whatever makes that computer screen just a little clearer.

18. Love is...
a) When I'm really horny.
b) When a soul finds its counterpart or something (thank-you Wedding Crashers)
c) Patient, kind, not quick to anger and such...
d) BEEP...human emotion, DOES NOT COMPUTE.

19. When I'm at a movie, I usually...
a) Don't see much of it - oooh riiggghhhht, giggity giggity giggity! Wait, did I do that already?
b) Enjoy it.
c) Try to forget the fact that I'm here alone and everyone else is with someone.
d) Speak my mind, dammit, because I paid $10, and this plot has more holes than MY underwear. Oh, and by "speak my mind", I mean "silently seeth and secretly loathe these monkeys around me that bite into this crap like it's one giant banana".

20. The most awkward thing that ever happened to me was when I...
a) Woke up in the morning and totally forgot what this chick's/guy's name was. That didn't stop her/him from making me breakfast though - oooh riiggghhhht, giggity giggity giggity!
b) Told a joke about someone right as they were walking up.
c) Got this hat from a friend who was going to give it to his girlfriend for her birthday but then they broke up and when I saw her I told her there was a funny story about the hat, only I couldn't actually tell the story because...I had gotten the hat from a friend who was going to give it to her for her birthday but then they broke up.
d) Was born. It's been ALL awkwardness since then.

Yes, you've reached the end. Now, hopefully you've been keeping score! For every "c" that you put down, give yourself 1 point. For every "d" that you put down, give yourself 3 points. Oh, and for every "a" you put down, take away1 point. Don't do anything for "b". Add up your score and look at my pseudochart below:

Below (-5): IDIOT. But, alas, you aren't a nerd.
(-5) to 5: NORMAL. Pretty boring if you ask me.
6-15: NERD WANNABE. You have some nerdy tendencies, retain some social skills as well.
15-30: NERD. Congratulations, you've made it. You will probably have a successful career in some capacity where you interact more with machines than humans. Because machines don't break your heart.
31-50: UBERNERD. Others may bow down before your nerdiness!
51-60: TROYLOVER. We should talk - over the same distance of the internet, of course.

In case you're wondering, I got the idea for this test after Mike commented on the recent popularity of nerd culture. I don't necessarily agree...I just think he's been surrounded by nerds and that has scewed his vision. Nonetheless, we have this test, which has been officially tested in labs around the country.

Feel free to comment with your scores and/or questions you think need to be added (for instance, I feel as though the test has put an extra emphasis on computer nerds, at the expense of some other types of nerds).

No lying about your scores! Oh, and if somebody scores 50+, I REALLY want to hear about it.

Back, boring stuff out of the way first...

2005-07-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

Trip to SLO was good. We spent a lengthy day and a half there to constitute our family vacation. It seemed like a nice enough town. That's it.

For the Record
Chances are, if you have to specify that you are not a holla-back girl, you ARE in fact a holla-back girl. I'm just telling it how it is.

Piano genius
Suppose you only know one song, but want to make it seem like you're incredible at the piano. I figured out how to do this - just push down the ECHO pedal. It should be called the "epic" pedal, because it makes any song you play sound epic. I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out! To all those pianists out there who feel like your song is good, but not "plaque good" (Simpsons reference), try pushing down the echo pedal. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised...

Strapped for cash? Try this (or don't)...
All you have to do is break into someone's house at night, convince her that you're a vampire, and say that you're going to impregnate her with the Anti-Christ unless she pays you 50,000 euros. Don't think it works? Well here is the article to prove it.

Holy crap, I'm stylin...
That's right, I recently gave up on clothes shopping for myself. Here is a conversation that has actually occurred more than once:

Other person: "Troy, you have a giant hole in your jeans."

Me: "I thought holes in jeans was trendy."

Other person: "Not in the crotch."

Yeah, so I'm pretty sure I have no business being near a Gap, American Eagle, or even an Urban Outfitters (where rebels go to pay $25 on a $2 thrift store T-shirt - ain't nobody gonna tell them about economics, man, NOBODY).

However, seeing as I was running dangerously low on clothes, and another button fell off my favorite pair of button-fly shorts (that leaves 1 out of 3, making me more an more nervous about walking around with boxers underneath), something had to be done. That's when I realized I had a teenage sister. Thus, with a healthy chunk of cash in my wallet, I decided to offer her 5% commission to do my shopping. Under the condition that she would try and buy stuff on sale, I would give her 5% of whatever she spent - so she could earn a solid $10 buying $200 worth of clothes. Well, the trip was successful, and now I have a lot of Gap crap to wear at my discretion. Next time you see me, you'll probably be like - "Whao, is that Jude Law? No wait, he's acting too masculine. Oh my gosh, it's Troy!". Maybe.

You, shook me all night long

2005-07-21T16:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight I will be attending the Ed Rhee show in Fullerton, where he opens for Tyrone Wells. After that, I'll be heading up to San Luis Obispo, to see where my brother will be spending his next four years.

Now I know this is TERRIBLE news to all you Dungeon of Awkwardness fans, as you're thinking "Troy, you don't understand, I NEED this blog. I need it more than your dog needs a wiffleball bat, more even than Esteban Yan needs his last name to rhyme with his first." But it will be okay - I'll try to update as soon as Saturday night. Until then, I suggest reading some "classic" Troy blogs, or sticking your hand on a frying pan, whichever is more painful.

Moneyball?
I've decided I'm like the Billy Beane of Warcraft. In case you didn't know, Billy Beane became well-known as the general manager for the Oakland A's, where he was able to put out a contending team year-in and year-out with an incredibly low payroll. His "moneyball" approach was to look at specific numbers, often times going against "old baseball" traditions, in order to get the most value and fill a winning team, despite a small market.

How does this apply to me? Well, considering the fact that I'm not an expert by any stretch in World of Warcraft, I've been forced to look at the numbers and come up with information for my guide that would seem counter-intuitive at first. Yeah, in case you can't tell, I'm trying EXTREMELY hard to justify doing this with my time...I'm looking for anything to make it more interesting. And hey, if it helps me land a job as a general manager for a professional baseball team somewhere down the line, then it'll all be worth it. I'm not holding my breath.

When recruitment commercials go sour...
I realize I'm only going to add to my nerd status with this rant, but I can't help myself....

You know that commercial for army recruiting, where the cops pull up to this teenage kid in the alley and bleep the siren? Well, the kid walks over and the cops say "it crashed again", referring to their cruiser computer. What is the kid's brilliant response, the one that would warrant the army to flash "We've been waiting for you" across the screen? You guessed it - he says "reboot and press F8 to restart in safe mode".

GAH- THAT'S YOUR ADVICE? Yeah, that's so brilliant, because most versions of XP AUTOMATICALLY allow you to start in safe mode after any sort of unexpected shut-down. Oh, and did I mention that safe mode DOES NOTHING?! If the cops can't even figure out how to restart in safe mode, they sure as hell won't be able to figure out how to actually FIX the problem when actually in safe mode. This commercial single-handedly takes SO MUCH of my confidence away from both our law enforcement and armed units, which is just not fair to either group. But I might not even hate the commercial so much if it weren't for the look the teenager gives, where leans back, brimming with self-satisfaction after his crappy advice, thinking "I'm soooo damn smart".

You know what? I just figured out a way to save Dell thousands of dollars on tech support! Instead of having live assistants to help people out with computer questions, just replace all of them with a recording of the teenager saying, "reboot with F8 in safe mode." Freaking brilliant. Dell, I expect a cut of all that money you're saving.

Speaking of computers - ever wonder what happens when a computer gets struck by lightning? Does it retain only some of its features? Does it lose a lot of its data? Does it stop functioning all together? Nope, only the movie Stealth has it right - the computer suddenly becomes incredibly more complicated and self-aware, increasing its artificial intelligence a thousand fold to blow up targets around the world.

Which is funnier - the rant that I just gave, or the fact that inaccuracy with computers can bother me THIS much?

Paul Byrd is the man
Yes, despite his recent loss, the story I read in the OC register made him a new hero. Basically, back when he was pitching in the minors, they had an old-timers day, where everybody wore their socks high and it was his day to pitch. As it turned out, he got shelled that day, giving up like 7 runs, and he vowed never to wear his socks high again.

However, by the time he got home, his son was sleeping. His wife told him to look under the covers. Paul looked under the covers and saw that his son was wearing his socks high, because he wanted to wear them "just like daddy". This brough tears to Paul's eyes, and from then on, he has always worn his socks high.

To me, that story just illustrates the point of family. Despite the fact that Paul had performed poorly, despite the worries about his job and all that, the day ended up being better than it could've possibly been otherwise. You think he would've remembered a minor-league game if he pitched like 7 innings and gave up 2 runs? No - but he's obviously never going to forget this. And kudos for him for getting past all the superstition and just going with what matters.

Kill Ben, Vol 1
Dang, so apparently Ben Clark sent an assassin after me today! Thanks to my agility developed
from playing with my dog, I was able to dodge the initial attack, and then counter with a leg kick that knocked out the assassin. But I'm sure it is only one of many attempts on my life, so I'm a little on edge. I'll get you Ben Clark!

Number of Trucker Hats Owned: 2

2005-07-19T00:13:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm not sure if I already told everyone this, but my brother won a free trucker hat from graduation and decided to give it to me. Today it was official. He signed over all rights to said hat to me, saying something like "sure, I'm not going to wear it." This officially makes it my second trucker hat, and the second one given to me under the condition that the original owner would never wear it anyway. So I rule.

Now, if you were trying to make a witty comment and say something like "well, 2, that's probably more women than you've talked to over the past three days", you would be correct*. But screw you.

*Number excludes family and family friends, as well as AIM and phone conversations. Actually, you can include phone conversations.

I'm so tired of being here, supressed by all my childish fears
Yes, I'm aware the song has been out forever. And yes, the piano part is not very complicated. And yes, there are better bands out there. However, it is only now that I've finally gathered the courage to come out with it: I'm a fan of the Evanescence song, My Immortal. I know that I'm in the company of about a billion 16 year old girls, but I seriously LOVE the song. It has the Desperado (Eagles) effect - I just have to shut up and listen.

Now, I'm also aware that the lead singer is not very attractive. But that doesn't stop me from absolutely falling in love with her every time I hear the song. I can't help it. There - I will no longer allow shame to stop me from doing anything.

Wow, uh, this is awkward now. GRAHAM CRACKER! (If you don't know what this means, then you didn't watch Sunday's Family Guy. And if you didn't watch Sunday's Family Guy, I don't want to associate with you).

W's are Wild: Willy Wonka, War of Worlds
Yup, in those last five words there are four W's, just like the Angels have 4 W's in their last five games. HOO-AH. But anyway, given that I tend to review movies BEFORE I see them, rather than afterward, I'll be very brief on the subject.

War of the Worlds was interesting, but pretty much how I anticipated - fun, energetic, entertaining, but incredibly stupid at points, and painfully manipulative at others. Ultimately, the time passed quickly, and so I would recommend it.

I really had no idea what to expect with Willy Wonka. I started panicking early, thinking "holy crap, this is waaay too weird for me", but eventually settled into a groove of laughter and enjoyment. Often times I was struck with the "this makes no sense" bug, yet, if able to supress this, you should be fine. Oh, and Sarumon makes a guest appearance - looks like he's getting his life back together after LOTR.

There was one unfortunate scene at the movies, though it did not have to do with the movie itself. You see, we were scanning the rows for seats, and seemed to come across the perfect ones. They were fairly near the center and at the ideal height, considering the crowded theater and the fact that we had only arrived 5 minutes before the show. However, after taking a few steps down this row, I saw why they were untaken - some 18 year-old girl was practically laying across her 25 year-old boyfriend's seat, her butt pointing in my direction, and his hand right on top of it.

It was too late to back out of the row now. Thus, doing the only sane thing, I walked what seemed to be an arbitrary amount of seats down, leaving a buffer section between the buttgrabber and I. This did well for a few minutes. However, right before the movie started, another group came cruising in, asking if we could"move over to make room", and thus eliminate my buffer zone. To this I prepared to scream "have you no respect for the buffer zone?! I would like nothing more than to move over, but I fear that Mr. Buttgrabber might get bored of his girlfriend's rear end and move onto mine!". So what did I do? Yeah, you guessed it, I moved over.

In the end, I guess it didn't kill me. I was able to focus my attention on the movie, and only twice was my posterior grabbed by the 25-year-old buttfiend.

Curb your enthusiasm
For dinner my brother and I hit up Taco Bell, where I tried their new Crunchwrap Supreme. I decided to try it because, based on the commercial, I figured I was their target consumer - attractive techy nerd who likes food. And it was delicious!

However, when pulling out of the drivethrough there was an immediate right to merge, and, as I was double-checking to make sure our food was all there, I almost smacked into a car going straight. He slammed on his breaks and rolled his eyes, to which I gave the embarrassed wave and thanked him for allowing me to go first. Unfortunately, I was no longer paying attention to the right turn, and just ran full on top of the curb. This was no mere cut corner - we were riding on the curb for a solid three seconds, thinking "dude, we have to come down sometime", and then fulling crashing down at last. This awkwardness was compounded by the fact that the guy in the car I had cut off saw EVERYTHING, then pulled up beside me while we waited at the light. I might have died, were it not for the fact that my brother and I were laughing so hard. And the fact that I had Taco Bell to look forward to.

This, then, brings me to my next lesson in life: if things are going bad, and you feel like you've got nothing to live for, just pretend that you've got Mexican food waiting for you at home. Because you can always make a trip to Del Taco or Taco Bell - unless of course your town does not offer these restaurants, at which point maybe you SHOULD question if there's anything to live for...

Your random thought
Up until recently, the zipper always seemed to be the one in charge. But the buttonfly has been making a comeback, and it's only a matter of time before we see an epic showdown.

I got a fever, and the only perscription is more blogging

2005-07-17T14:17:00.000-07:00

Yeah, sorry for the lack of an update, I've spent all my time reading that new Harry Potter book called The Half-Blooded Prince. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTT. Haha - I totally just fooled you. That's better than a "Psyche" from seventh grade. Anyway, I had to take my sister and her friend to Borders at midnight on Friday night to pick up the book, and I'll tell you, those people really come out of the woodworks. There were basically three weird groups that I found:

1) The PotterMoms - these ladies need to be informed that their little children are NOT dolls. That's right, they are human beings, not little props that you dress up in wizard's gear and Harry Potter glasses because you enjoy the books/movies. I don't care how many other Potterfreaks tell you that the kids looks "cute" - this is just wrong. Don't pawn your extermist enthusiasm off on your kids.

2) The Hogwadolescents - these are the ones that are vaguely aware that arriving at midnight for their Harry Potter books might be considered "nerdy", but at the same time, couldn't keep away. Thus, they spend their time in line between self-loathing and excitement, trying to play cool whenever they spot an adolescent of the opposite sex, never realizing that this other person is all going through the same routine. I've discovered that if you're like me, it's not that you become cooler as you get older - only that you accept that you are uncool, and in this truth we are set free.

3) The Oblivious - yes, I realize there are full-grown adults that dress up and wait in line for Harry Potter books. I don't understand or encourage it, but I accept it. All I ask is that if you are a forty-five year-old large man that insists on making his own wizard's cloak from cloth, you get enough material to cover EVERYTHING IN THE BACK. Maybe you could double-layer or something, but just make it less revealing, because NOBODY wants to see that. If you can't see it in the mirror, that doesn't mean it isn't there.

This is sooo great, because, for once, I can make fun of OTHER people for being nerds. I mean, come on, if you to spend ALL day in some fantasy world, full of magic and wizards and warlocks and all that, then, uhhhhh, oh crap...

I'm off, will probably post later
Yeah, me and Fakefriend are going off to do something really fun, so you'll have to take a chill pill and wait for a later post. I apologize to everybody who tried to reach me in the last few days and couldn't get ahold of me, this was because I was "hanging out" with like 12 supermodels and lost track of time. In fact, from now on, ALWAYS assume that was the reason if you can't get ahold of me.

But I still love technology, always and forever...

2005-07-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

Yeah, chugging along on the guide, getting that healthy glow from the computer that can never be recreated by natural light. Why am I telling you this? Well, because now whenever you think "man, am I the biggest nerd around?", you can respond to yourself with "wait a second, there's that guy at Dungeon of Awkwardness, nevermind. Hah, I'm not even close to that nerdy!".

Spin another dime in the Jukebox Baby
It all started when Ben and I went on a journey to that magical land of Fatburger. We had been practicing our Vladimir Guerrero throws to the plate, and, seeing as it was the first excercise/experience with the sun for me in the last week, clearly I was tired and even more HUNGRY. Anyway, after I ordered my double-fatburger (that's 2/3 pounds of meat), and Ben ordered his single kingburger (that's only 1/2 pounds of meat, for those keeping count), we decided to saunter over to the jukebox and fiddle around. At a minimum cost of $1, we weren't about to play anything, but since the wait is always unnaturally long at Fatburger, it was worth it to question the tastes of the jukebox masters (how could Shakira possibly crack into a jukebox filled with records by Al Green and Marvin Gaye and Bob Marley?).

Well, the restaurant is dead silent. Obviously no one else has invested in the jukebox, and I begin to question why a FASTfood restaurant would have one, unless they took FOREVER to make burgers (can you tell I get cranky when I'm hungry and the burger is so close within reach?). But as Ben is flipping through the records, what should come on but "Why do fools fall in love?".

Our first reaction - surprise. We've been huddled around this jukebox and it has done nothing so far, so why, suddenly, would it begin to play music? Slowly, surely, this surprise turns to horror. After all, WE have been the only ones around the jukebox, and what are the people in place supposed to think? It looks as if we CHOSE the song! Yeah, it looks like two dudes walked into the place and PAID MONEY to play "Why do fools fall in love?". The horror, the horror! And so we were destined to stand in awkwardness (well, I was, Ben somehow manages to shrug this stuff off), until they finally handed us our food. Let me tell you - there was a smirk on that worker's face, and it killed me. KILLED ME.

Oh C3P0, will you ever become attuned to human emotion?
Can you believe there is a REAL version of capture the flag? It's not like the Halo version either...like, you don't even kill people to get the flag! Crazy, eh? Anyway, as we were returning from this game after Church, I went ahead and said we should knock like 6 times to make sure a certain two people - we'll call them Carch and Tosey - were not making out at the moment. When someone said don't worry about it, I brought out this doozy of a line: "No, then we'll be like C3P0 when he walks in on Han Solo and Leia when they kiss for the first time in Empire Strike Back!" Yeah, who would've thought this would be classified as a "nerd" comment? I just can't win here...

But anyway, this brings me to another tangent. You see, the background for this part in Empire Strikes Back is that the Millenium Falcon is caught in a cave and they are trying to fix the ship to get away from the Star Destroyers. Now, Han Solo makes his move and goes ahead and kisses Leia, and C3P0 comes in to tell him that he's stabilized something or other. Han Solo responds with a sarcastic and bitter "Thanks."

Now, this can be a strength or a weakness of men. Because really the news from C3P0 should be good - their lives are in danger, and the fact that they are one step closer to fixing the ship should bring joy. However, at that moment a guy isn't really thinking logical and considering that...he's just thinking how he finally has the girl and the stupid yellow robot comes in and ruins it. If I were lame right now, I'd say something to the effect of "and WE ALL have stupid yellow robots in our lives, really", but it will suffice to say that there are often times when we get irrationally angry at someone or do something stupid because we're only thinking about a Leia.

So there's the obvious negative. But there is also the positive - that a guy would always want to be at his best, and he would always put her well-being above his own. Think about the following scenario: a guy and his wife get caught in a blizzard in the mountains. They are both on the verge of dying, and there is little food remaining. The "rational guy" approach would be for the guy to eat more, since he probably expends more energy, has more mass, and is more likely to survive. And yet, for any guy worth anything, that hunger he feels is nothing more than a "stupid yellow robot", and he's going to give her that food. Her survival is a lot more important to him than his own, and escaping the blizzard with just his life and not her's would be worse then them both dying.

Interestingly, I think it is Eryximachus in Plato's Symposium who says that armies should be made up of pairs of lovers, because they are liable to fight harder for the sake of each other. (Granted, he was not talking about guy-girl couples, but we won't get into that at the moment). The point is - wait, what again? Ah yes - even though there are some unfortunate C3P0 incidents due to a guy's "focus", there are also moments where he goes beyond himself for her sake and does something that would be impossible on his own.

Who would win in an epic battle?
Okay, it is Justice League crew (we'll say just Batman, Superman, and Green Lantern) vs. the likes of Jack Bauer, Michael Chiklis from the Shield, and Shaft. Yes, three are superheroes, but the other three are the most resourceful, do-anything guys around - they could totally get their hands on some kryptonite or figure out a way to dominate. It would be close, but Jack Bauer rules all in the end, so he tilts it in their favor.

Note: when figuring out a crew to fight the Justice League, do not google "hardcore guys", because it doesn't turn out so well...

Your Cup of Culture

2005-07-12T02:48:00.000-07:00

Greensleeves
Yeah, so I'm totally dominating this song on the piano...it screams for mercy everytime I try to play it. For some reason I always attributed this to Mozart, until the other day, when, out of all people, my mom questioned if this was indeed the case. Seeing as I could give no explanation why I thought this, I decided to do some investigating. (Note: In case you're wondering what song "greensleeves" is, it is the tune we sing the Christmas carol "What Child is This?" to, the lyrics being added by William Chatterton Dix in the 19th century). Yeah, turns out, nobody knows who wrote this traditional folk tune, but there are rumors that perhaps it was Henry VIII. How crazy is that? Not crazy at all? Well, maybe that's not the most exciting part of YOUR day, but we can't all have lives as wild and memorable as Esteban Yan...

Perhaps you'll find the original lyrics more exciting than Bobby Abreu's 24-jack first round performance (remember to sing it to the tune of "What Child Is This"):

Alas, my love, you do me wrong
To cast me out discourteously
And I have loved you so long
Delighting in your company

Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight
Greensleeves was my heart of gold
And who but lady greensleeves?

Yeah, I love how strong the language is here, and how distinctly British it is.

"Dang man, it's not even that she dumped me, but she did it so DISCOURTEOUSLY. No tea OR crumpets on the way out. Just 'jolly good time chap' and we were done. I didn't even get to tell her how much I delighted in her company!" Of course one might doubt that this song was written by Henry VIII, given that if any woman DID cast him out, she would inevitably be found headless the next morning.

From Here to Eternity
I've been trying to read this WWII "classic", and have managed to finished two long books in the mean time because I just can't get into it. First of all, the writing style is so annoying that I can't classify it as anything other than "bad". Second, there is NO FIGHTING. Yeah, I thought that maybe a book that has "The World War II Classic" stamped across the cover might actually involve something like bullets, artillery, people dying, etc. However, I'm 130 pages in, have glanced over most of the book, and I really see NOTHING to suggest that there actually will be fighting in the war. I mean, this is the guy that wrote Thin Red Line! Okay, and maybe that's the point, that it's about "realistic life in the army" and goes into the non-glamorous life of cleaning and paperwork and drilling - but why would the cover have a giant picture of bombs exploding and army men taking cover behind sandbags? This is just trickery.

I did find one of the scenes rather humorous, however. Basically, the set-up is that the wife of this jerk officer has a reputation for sleeping with his subordinate officers. Thus, one of the subordinate officers comes by with papers for this guy to sign, knowing the officer won't be there, but that his wife will. I'm going to take out the description because it will be too long otherwise, but the following is actual dialogue from the book:

Milton: You know where he is?
Karen: I haven't the slightest idea. Perhaps at the Club, having a drink or two.
Milton: The Club. Why didn't I think of that? I got some papers its important for him to sign today...kind of chilly for trunks, ain't it?
Karen: Yes. It's cool today. Sometimes its very hard to keep warm, isn't it? What is it you want, Sergeant?
Milton: I want to go to bed with you.
Karen: All right.

Haha, well THAT WAS EASY. Realistic? Well, I can't say for sure, seeing as I've never been in the army or tried something like this, but I would assume things don't work in this way. But keep in mind that this Milton guy hasn't said more than two words to Karen at all before this...

The Three Rules For Sexual Harrassment (according to SNL):
1) Be Attractive
2) Be Handsome
3) Don't Be Unattractive

If you haven't seen the sketch, basically what happens is that the female coworkers call the cops when the unattractive guy even says something like "hello", whereas the attractive guy (played by Tom Brady) can grab their chests and butts and all they do is giggle or something. Now, what got me thinking about this? Follow the path...

It started out as I was considering how, as I grow older and older, I realize how much cooler Han Solo is than I originally thought. Now, what he does with Leiah is interesting - despite her constant protests and dissing him throughout the first few movies, he continues pursuing her and even grabs her and kisses her. Everybody is cheering for him at this point. But consider what would happen if Harrison Ford was - dare I say it - unattractive! Everybody would just think he was sleazy and should leave her the hell alone. I mean, essentially, this is what happens with Jabba the Hutt...

The same thing holds true with movies like She's All Night. If Freddy Prinz wasn't attractive, the girl would call the cops SO FAST it would make our heads spin. But he's allowed to continue hitting on her and forcing himself on her in an "adorable way" because he's attractive.

So I got to thinking - would a jury ever really buy sexual harassment if it were an unattractive girl bringing the suit against an attractive guy. Is there some "attractiveness" clause in the law? "Well Your Honor, they did present a preponderance of evidence against the defendant, but look at him! He's so hot! I mean, who wouldn't want THAT harassing them? We're going to go ahead and rule NOT GUILTY because of the fact that he is overwhelming more attractive than the plaintiff."

Just so you know
If your dog could talk, he would probably ask you for a yellow wiffleball bat.

There's happening somewhere, baby I just know there is

2005-07-10T00:09:00.000-07:00

You can't start a fire, you can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire, even if we're just dancing in the dark

Yeah, sing it Bruce, because there certainly isn't anything going on around here.

Or is there?
Well, I DID go to an Angels game today with Ben, Brandon, and Casey. Now, Brandon was the lucky guy that sat next to me while I got to be an elitist, one of the old-school Angels fans, and look down upon the people that did the following (he thought I was crazy):

1) Play with those plastic blow-up beachball things - okay, you paid AT LEAST $12 to get into the game, and a lot more on parking and food. If, at this game, the most entertaining thing you can do is whack some ball in the air, shouldn't you question whether this money is being well spent? You know, for about a dollar you can OWN one of these balls yourself. Yup, you like the sound of that - a ball OWNER? Furthermore, the only people in front of which you look like an IDIOT are the ones in your home.

"But Troy," you may ask, "what if the ball is coming towards me, can I at least hit it then?"

The answer is, of course, NO! You let it bounce off you, whether it be the shoulder or the head or whatever, as I did numerous times. Don't look at it. Don't acknowledge its existence. Because acknowledging the existence of the ball is acknowleding the existence of the people who hit the ball, and that's just wrong.

C.S. Lewis once gave a good talk on alcohol, where he basically said it's okay to drink alcohol in moderation, but it shouldn't be consumed AT ALL around people who have a tendency to drink in excess, lest you encourage these people in their vice. That's how I feel with the beach ball thing. Normally, if a ball were coming towards me, I would be tempted to swat it out of the way. But these people are prone to stupidity, and I wouldn't want to encourage them, would I?

My final argument against this is that people end up booeing and cheering for a measely BEACHBALL. This might confuse Vlad, who comes up to bat and hears booeing because of the beachball, and then thinks he SHOULDN'T hit a homerun. Just tragic.

2) Do the wave when the other team is batting - Okay, the wave encourages the HITTING team, so why would you do it for the other team? Why even do it at all? And even if you don't believe that this cheering affects hitting, just think how distracting it is for a pitcher when he sees the wave pass behind homeplate.

3) Eat stupid food at the games - the following foods are encouraged at ballgames: hotdogs, nachos, peanuts, crackerjacks, sunflower seeds, and ice cream. Then there are the foods in the "acceptable" category, such as pretzels, red vines, and cotton candy. But UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you be purchasing Dominoe's personal pizzas. It's just wrong, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT? And now they have Panda Expresses at the ballpark! Holy crap, I'm down with multicultarism, but Chinese food at a ballpark?! Think of the implications: "Yeah, I'd send the runners on the 2-1 count...by the way, can you pass the soysauce?"

There's plenty more, but I'll leave it at that. And I do love you, Orange Chicken, but you just don't mix with my Angels. Sorry.

Fair is Fair
Okay, well, I was talking with a girl (yeah, this actually happens, behind the safety of the internet) and she was complaining that guys can be ambigious as well, and lead girls on by hanging out with them one-on-one for long periods of time, with no interest in becoming more. As hard as it is to believe that a guy would be willing to listen to some girl jabber for hours on end, without even hoping to become more, I will put in this disclaimer as well - guys, DON'T BE AMBIGIOUS. I would say the tendency is that guys are much more straight-forward, but for those of you that don't understand the proper rules of social interaction, you're screwing things up for the rest of us. Yeah, actually, come to think of it, that's probably why I'm not swarmed with girls. It's because these other guys mess things up...

Hot girls are attracted to nerds
Said one girl, thus increasing my hope for a moment, but at the same time making things extemely confusing. I responded with "they don't, TRUST ME", because, you know, people tell me these things. Then she said "well, they have to have some redeeming quality", which I took to mean - "actually, they must be extremely attractive and be able to turn off the nerdiness at any moment." I got the extreme attractiveness part down, but I have trouble not liking Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, and video games, so it's not looking good. I mean, girls are great and all, but can they use the FORCE? I didn't think so...

To all my readers in England
(I like to think I have an international readership)
Congratulations on the Olympics, and I'll be praying for you after the blasts. You show amazing resilience, and if I could think of any hero to represent the British people, it would James Bond. The Sean Connery one, of course, not Roger Moore or Pierce.

How I get my exercise...
I recently found that my dog, Kobe, is obsessed with my yellow wiffleball bat. Anytime he sees it, he goes crazy and must have it. Thus, I've created a sort of sword fighting technique, where I try and tap him with it without him getting it...it greatly increases agility and gets him going REALLY crazy. The only problem is that when he finally gets it he runs around the house playing keep away from ME, which wouldn't be bad except that he smacks every piece of furniture with the bat along the way. It really must be seen to be believed...perhaps a picture or video clip might be in order.

Windtalkers, blending the cliches of two genres into one!
So take every cliche you know about "Indian Movies" (Native American movies with lots of flute music and talk of "ancestors" and "rituals of the dead") and combine it with the cliches of every war movie, and you have Windtalkers. I just HAVE to post one of the final scenes, because it is so, well, you'll see:

Ben: Just kill me!

Joe: Nobody else is gonna die, Ben. Nobody's gonna die! (He lifts Ben up on his shoulders, carrying him through a barrage of bullets into safety).

Ben: (Laughing) We made it, Joe! Can you believe we made it? (Looks at Joe, then realizes Joe has a bullet hole in his chest, and is dying). JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Okay, so I added that last exclamation, but are they seriously thinking that we've never seen a movie before, EVER?! Honestly, the action was good enough to sustain interest, but maybe if they could have done SOMETHING original with the ending it would have been better.

Wow, it amazes me I have so much to talk about
Considering the fact that I seriously do NOTHING. I was actually going to write more, but I'm pretty sure you can't handle more of Troy for the moment. I look at myself like Tylenol - helpful in small doses, but damaging to the liver in large quantities.

Don't be a criminal in this police state, you better shop and eat and procreate

2005-07-07T00:28:00.000-07:00

You got vacation days, then you might escape
To a condo on the coast

In Good Company
I must say, after watching this movie with my family, that is was much different and better than I was expecting. I suppose I was thinking this would be sort of a romantic comedy/chickflick, going down the same boring and predictable line, but it did not...thankfully. And, in fact, the "romantic" part is actually not the overriding part of this movie. So I guess I'm just throwing this out there - guys, it's cool if you see it. If anybody gives you trouble, just send them to me.

Then again, I could be bias, since Scarlett Johanson is the leading lady in this flick. I mean, even her name, "Scarlett", is hot...I don't get why they don't cast her in every movie. So Scarlett, like, uh, I was wondering, umm, like, if you wanted to go somewhere sometime, uh, I mean, like, with ME, and uh, we could do something together...if you're cool with that, because I mean if you're not that's cool too, so, umm, what do you say? I could totally beat up that Topher Grace guy in the movie. Oh, if you think HE is awkward in the movie, you should see ME. I'll be so freaking awkward you won't be able to resist!

Yeah, I guess maybe that's another reason why I liked the movie...for some reason the awkwardness of the main character is "adorable". So ladies, can we start applying that to real life or what? Because that would really help me out A LOT!

Looking To Find Romance?
Why not try the internet? I keep seeing those stupid E-Harmony commercials, saying how WONDERFUL it is to be matched up with "1 billion levels of compatibility" or whatever it is. Yes, because nothing is more romantic than entering a bunch of data and having a computer come up with a match.

It seems like our society is saying, "Okay, look at the freaking divorce rate, WE GIVE UP. From now on we'll just have computers tell us what to do." Now, I really have no problem with this, if it actually produces marriages that last longer and make people happy. However, being the contrarian that I am, I have three objections that people should at least consider:

1) This site offers "fulfillment" in the form of another person, which should be an immediate red flag. Anybody who believes that he/she can be fulfilled by another person (excluding Jesus, whose man/God status puts him outside the "person" category) is going to put waaay too much pressure on this other person, and things WILL NOT work out.

2) We see a sort of self-fulfilling prophesy developing, as the fact that the site offers to help you find your "soulmate" will probably make it the case. I believe that love is something that grows, and in today's society people end up leaving those that they should love because they question whether this person is their "soulmate". Thus, if they believe that this person IS their soulmate, they will love them as if they were, and this will make it so. This is not necessarily good or bad, but it is something to consider...

3)Finally, I'm reluctant to agree to that "compatibility" and "love" are the same thing. It sounds to me that people are just being lazy, don't want to have to work, and so if they find a few things to disagree about, they immediate want to bail and claim "incompability" means "impossible to love".

That being said, I was intrigued by their offer to give a "free personality profile". I wasn't sure if this was one of those things that tells you if you're a ISTJ (Introvert Sensual Thinking Judging) blah blah blah or whatever, but, having nothing better to do, I thought I might give it a try. So I headed to their site...

It took me about two seconds of reading the front page before I was scared off. First, in bold letters, they have, "WHEN YOU'RE READY FOR EVERLASTING LOVE..."

Yeah, they're coming on JUST A LITTLE heavy. It's like going on a casual coffee date and suddenly the girl starts making plans for four months ahead with you. Okay, that's never actually happened to me, but I can imagine what it would be like if it did...

But wait, there's more information:

"eHarmony has more marriages per member than any online dating site." Ah, yes, the old marriages per member stat...that's MPM for you scorekeepers. eHarmony goes on to say that it has an ERA of 2.13 with a WHIP below 1.0 and 10.76 K's per nine innings - definitely in contention for the upcoming All-Star game.

"we match you based on what is proven to work in successful marriages"
Yes, but is it also proven to work in unsuccessful marriages?

"The journey begins by getting your Personality Profile, a $40 value, FREE"
And here was the kicker - maybe I wanted to get a Personality Profile for free, but I definitely do not want to go on any freaking JOURNEY. I'm afraid that this personality profile thing is some sort of gateway drug, and I don't want to end up doing whatever the romantic equivalent of shooting up heroin is (though I can imagine - probably watching episodes of Sex and City over and over and over again).

Oh, and I can't stand how they throw in the whole $40 value thing. How is it a $40 value? Who determines this? I thought value was determined by the market, and if people are only willing to do it for FREE, doesn't that mean that the value is a cool $0? Maybe I can try this out: "For a limited time only, I'm going to allow you access to my blog, a $1,000,000 value, absolutely FREE".

And While We're On This
Remember how I'm trying to level up in this World of Warcraft thing (I'm level 20, BTW, it's only a matter of time before the money starts rolling in!)? Well I go to these sites for information and stuff, and almost all the advertisements on these sites are for dating/romantic chat services and the like. Some notable quotes: "Sexy and single", "We're busting at the seams with single women".

Wait, wait, wait, can they possibly be targeting the right audience? Are you telling me that the bulk of people that play World of Warcraft are lonely men who live in their parents basements and though too scared to talk to women in real life have arrogant online personas? Can that POSSIBLY be the case?

Random thing for the night
In Sixth Sense, Bruce Willis's character is really DEAD - that's the catch. Hahaha, don't complain to me if you haven't seen it.

This is Troy Masters, signing off
I set my watch to the atomic clock
I hear the crowd count down til the bomb gets dropped
I always figured there'd be time enough
I never let it get me down
But I can't help it now
Looking for faces in the clouds

Wisdom From Troy

2005-07-05T01:21:00.000-07:00

Here are a few things that are important to discuss. And by "important", I mean completely irrelevant to our lives and nearly nonsensical.

First of all, I went up to Marina Del Rey for the fourth of July. But when we tried to watch fireworks from nearby, it was nearly impossible to see the high bursts because the sky was completely overcast. And Mother Nature wonders why we pick fights with her! Seriously, how can she expect us to continue preserving her, when she does crap like this? So here is my ultimatum: next time you put a cloud in the way of my fireworks, Mother, I'm going to cut down a tree in the rainforest. Yeah, who's laughing now?

Second, Kyle (who leaves for Malaysia in like 5 hours!) brought up how the slogan "don't trash California" might catch on the way "don't mess with Texas" did, as they both started as anti-litter campaigns. However, I chose to disagree, because California doesn't have the same cowboy reputation that Texas does. Wherein Texas you get the feeling someone might say "touch my street and I'll quickdraw on you", in California it's more like "touch my street and I'll take you to court so fast that after 4 months the process might get rolling, and if you appeal THAT decision I'll take you to an even higher court!". Nope, it ain't catching on...

When talking with Mike, I basically listed the following as my schedule for most of these summer days:

-Get up around 1 pm

-Play some video games until I actually wake up

-Sit around for a while, just thinking about all the stuff I should be doing, bounce around ideas for stories/novels/careers/video games, consider how my life is slipping away and a lot of other people seem to be doing productive things with their time, think about how I should be getting a job right now, until finally...

-I turn on the television to block it all out. Honestly, I don't see how anybody needs drugs or alcohol when you have television, video games, and books that you can use to just escape.

-Sometime later in the night I feel guilty about watching 3 consecutive hours of Law & Order reruns on TNT, at which point I decide to pick up a book.

-Get addicted to the book, end up reading until about 4 am, when I think to myself - "Gee, I really like books, why don't I become a writer".

-Promise myself the next day I will be more productive, then fall asleep.

And honestly, after examining all this, I realized what I am really training for - to become a bum. I think I would make a good one, as long as I get internet access and Tivo. Oh, and a video graphics card...no deal without that.

Fourth, something must be said about ambiguity in girls. After hearing several horror stories now, all I have to say is the following if you are a girl - DON'T BE AMBIGUOUS. That is to say, if you've just met a guy and decide to hang out ALONE with him for an entire day, or even if this occurs on a regular basis, he's not agreeing to hang out because he wants to be just "pals". I hate to state the obvious, but if there wasn't the allure of "make-out time", he would probably hang out with another guy because - 1)then he doesn't have to worry about combing his hair and 2)the other guy knows more about baseball than you.

Oh, and if a guy asks you out, and you are not interested in him, REJECT HIM OUTRIGHT. Do not agree to a few dates then give some negative signs and some positive signs. If you reject him early, he has nothing invested, and will get over it quickly. Otherwise, it's like buying a MMORPG for $50 and starting to play thinking you'll soon be good enough to write that guide and make money but really you just get frustrated realizing everyone who plays it has no life and FREAKING PLAYS WAY TOO MUCH AND...okay, I'll get to that in a second...just remember, send rational signals.

My New Challenge for the summer
Since the Tag one ended so as a complete failure...

It all started when I was browsing a freelance writing board for jobs. I saw this ad where they were looking for writers to write a game guides for an MMORPG (that's "massively multiplayer online role playing game" for you non-gamers), and the pay was around $2500. So this was something I thought would be great for the summer - play video games and write and get paid for it! Is that a dream come true or what?

I sent them my writing credentials and they offered me an assignment. The problem: they assumed I was an "expert" in World of Warcraft, when in fact I had never played it. Not a problem. I thought, "how hard can it be? After three weeks of playing like 40 hours a week, I'll be golden and an expert!" Well, I've put in about 4 solid 8 hours days, and let me tell you - I don't think it's going to happen. Once I did a little more research, I discovered that it takes about 4 hours to level up, and with 60 levels, that means about 240 hours of gameplay - where do people get this kind of TIME? And they do it for fun! If you think I'm a nerd, just please talk to anyone that plays this game...

Anyhow, I'm pretty much moving towards the insane right now, trying to manuever the world of reality/fantasy. Never before did I think a video game could seem so much like a job, but I'm already $50 into this, so I must continue. It's just so boring sometimes. I think to myself, "didn't I kill this stupid animal like 50 times already? And why the hell is there a post office in this game?! Don't people play games to escape mundane things like post offices?"

That is my challenge - will I remain sane all summer? Will I actually get the $2500? Probably not. But if you ever hear me say something like "I need the emerald covered shield of Dalroc!", just know that I'm lost, and there's nothing you can do to save me. Goodnight all...

Quick Post Before the Mountains...

2005-07-01T20:54:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'm heading to big bear in about ten minutes. All packed up and ready to go, but I thought I'd get one last post in before I come back on Sunday (yes, that's before the 4th, which means I'd better freaking do something for that day!). Anyhow, the following is my quote that did not go over too well with my family about our trip this weekend:

"I hope we bring enough booze, because otherwise there's no way I'm getting through this weekend." What followed was my oh-crap-did-I-actually-say-that-out-loud face, then the obligatory "I'm JUST kidding". And I am, I suppose. Besides, booze sucks.

Basically, my days have been...well...slow. You know you're in trouble when every time you open up the Tivo menu Legally Blonde 2 looks a little more appealing. It's goes from the "Oh God, who recorded THAT" to "How bad could it be?" to "Well, it IS a movie, and I HAVEN'T seen it". I'm still holding out strong though, lend me your support to continue.

To the Anonymous Poster:
Uh, yeah, I have no loyal readers. And show yourself next time! My time has been wasted the last few days on something I'd rather not talk about, but will anyway, for $20. Or for free. I guess I'll talk about it Sunday, so...

To Come on Sunday Night:
Why I spent so much freaking time at my computer the last few days without accomplishing ANYTHING. Oh, and why girls can't hang out with guys...just kidding...or am I?

Okay I'm seriously getting yelled at to leave right now. Let me end with a quote about how crazy my brother is about his computer, speaking to my sister:

"Don't even look at it[his computer], YOU'RE NOT WORTHY. " So, so sad.

Lamenting the Departure of Stephen...

2005-06-28T22:57:00.000-07:00

No, not the Biblical Stephen, as it might seem from the language used above. I'm talking about my buddy Stephen, who on this day left for Wisconsin with his girlfriend, never to return. Or return in 3 months or something, I can't remember which. Either way, this is just an excuse to tell the following story:

All of us were stoked to be playing tennis ball homerun derby on a little league field, and Stephen was standing safely behind the chains of the dug-out. While he was putting his stuff on the bench, we thought it would be interesting to throw several of the tennis balls at him, which we knew would just rattle off the fence. We got some interesting reactions from him. However, to show his "manliness", and to prove that he could indeed watch the ball fly at him without flinching, he told me to chuck the ball as hard as I could at the fence in front of his face. Thus, drawing on my years of pitching and giant biceps, I reared back for the throw. It rolled off my hands beautiful, headed for the fence, and BAM - slipped right through the links (which were designed for hardballs, only a tiny bit larger) and smacked him square in the face! I might have felt bad, but instead fell to my knees in laughter. It was a one in a million shot, and though everybody tried their hardest afterward, nobody was able to duplicate the result of having the tennis ball go through. This was a "Jules miracle of Pulp Fiction", and to me just once again proved that there is a God, and that He has a sense of humor. How could you doubt it after something like that?

Anyway, Stephen was fine and had a good laugh after as well. He is another one of the guys we know with a midwest girlfriend, which is why in a few years I, along with some others, are moving to the midwest to find girlfriends there as well.

What our site almost was...
It took a lot of time to come up with the name http://www.reelintelligence.net for our movie preview/review site. Originally, our plan was to just put two random words together, like an adjective and a noun, and go with whatever sounded good. We threw out some ideas like "angry kittens" or "crazy kangaroos", but this alone wasn't cutting it. Thus, our idea was to flip through the dictionary, and while I would rapidly turn the pages, Torch would tell me when to stop. The first word we landed on was in the "I's", and the adjective written in the top left was "imploding".

Imploding sounded like an excellent first adjective for the site, and the idea seemed that much better, as we were excited to see the second noun. We began again, and this time we landed in the P's. Well, the "Pu"s to be exact. The "pus" to be more exact. The "puss" to be even more exact, only there was one more letter at the end. That's right, my finger landed squarely on the term whose first definition happened to be "A cat", and whose second definition was "a fuzzy catkin, especially of the pussy willow". Being the mature gentelmen that we are, Torch and I only laughed about this for about the next 45 minutes, then ever hour on the hour for the rest of the day. We decided to go with Reel Intelligence instead...

Anyway, one more tidbit to this: we were using Stephen's laptop, and decided to see if www.impodingp*****.com was actually taken; thankfully, it was not. However, we still bookmarked it on his computer, and when he walked in we asked him the following question: "Stephen, why is "Imploding P****" in your favorites?"

Did he deny it vehemently? Did he even take the computer to double-check this fact? Nope. Instead, he shrugged his shoulders, said something to the effect of "Hmmm, I'm not sure", and walked into his room. That's just not a normal action, but then again neither is swinging a golf club at your roomate's new ESPN magazine until it's torn to shreds for no other reason than you're bored.

One more notable Stephen Quote
Yeah, there's a lot I could do, but I'll just leave with this one (any more crap about a guy other than myself might seem pretty gay):

Stephen (he's Korean): "Man, Eastern Medicine totally works!" (looks over at Kyle's knee, wrapped in substantial bandages). "Oh wait, you have an actual problem".

Orange County Woes

2005-06-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I'll be honest, the only reason I'm writing this right now is because my television blew out while I was in the middle of watching a Tivo'd "Airforce One". I've never seen it before, and the first 30 minutes were pretty interesting, though it made me start to think "Gee, I haven't seen Empire Strikes Back in a long time", because, you know, Harrison Ford is the man. This in turn got me thinking about how it would be sweet to be Han Solo. At least then I'd feel like I was doing something - right now I'm too paralyzed considering how freaking old I am and how I only have one year left in college. Remember, still no wife, and still no book published. Not even prospective wives or book deals. I'm at GROUND ZERO. Ever wonder why people join crazy groups like PETA or CALPIRG or whatever? It's because they all go through the same process, where they start thinking "Damn, I wish I were Han Solo, but there's no rebel army. Hmm, this PETA thing might have to do - it's not great, but we WILL be annoying people." Anyway, the moral is that you shouldn't watch a movie (Airforce One) while feeling disheartened and debating about another movie (Empire Strikes Back), because inevitably you're television will explode and leave you with NOTHING TO DO except something lame, like update you're blog!

Remember how I said I was going to be the coolest guy ever after whatever date that was?

Yeah, didn't pan out.

And the Tag Challenge?
Well, when asked if they were irrestibly attracted to me with the Tag body spray, here were some notable quotes from women:

"Actually, I really only want to open the window."

"I've smelled better."

"Not really. To be honest, I couldn't even tell."

Number of Women That Have Tackled Me Recently Due to Tag Body Spray: 0

Reel Intelligence.net Launched!

2005-06-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

That's right, our own reelintelligence.net preview review site has officially been launched. So if you've been wondering why I haven't updated my blog in a while, it's because we were busy getting this site up. Hopefully, in no time, we'll be rolling in the dough. Until then, I'll be forced to humor you guys.

The Tag Challenge
I think I'm going to buy some Tag bodyspray tomorrow, and catologue the amount of women I get attacked and tackled by as a result. How much does this cost? And can the makers really wave ALL liability if I get injured due to the incredible attractiveness I will instantly possess? Stay tuned to find out...

Number of women incredibly attracted to me at the moment: 0

Some random thoughts after napping...

2005-06-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

Construction Workers
Nothing says "Good morning!" like a backhoe dropping giant pieces of cement into a dumpster right outside your window at 7:00 am in the morning. And it's always fun to find out they blocked off your street as well, allowing you to spot "Road Closed" signs and giant piles of dirt whether you make a left or right out of your driveway...just awesome. But here's what I got to thinking - if I were to do construction working all over again (I did construction work for a summer before college), what would I change? And here's my answer:

Whenever my supervisor told me to do something, I would respond with "Zug zug", "Work work", "Dabu", or some other phrase used by the peasants or peons in Warcraft. How awesome would that be? Maybe I could even branch out to the other characters - think about how he would react if I said something like "Ready to serve, milord", or "I love blowing things up", or even, "Lord of Earth and Fire, HEED MY CALL"! Maybe this isn't funny if you haven't actually heard the accents, but just pretend you heard the above phrases in a British peasant accent, or the "I love blowing things up" in a heavy Scottish accent. Then you'd know the joy that is Warcraft 2 and 3.

Banishment
It seems that banishment has gone out of style since the middle ages, but I'm not exactly sure why. What about those people that don't actually deserve to die, but certainly don't deserve to live in the country any longer? Think about how effective it would be to say, "I BANISH YOU from the United States of America". Yeah, I know that there's probably some rule that essentially does not allow someone to stay within the states, but it just doesn't have the same feel to it. Public banishments would be the coolest - you plop someone on a horse at the border of Mexico or something, then ceremoniously watch them ride off in humiliation. I only mention this because I've thought of a few candidates for banishment:

1) Any "It girls" - I'm so sick of these people. Just to name a few who I've heard "It" girl associated with: Paris Hilton, Ashley Olson, and some other stupid girl. What exactly does this mean? Well, basically this translates into "Talentless (It) Slut (girl)". Think about it, if they actually had some talent, such as singing or acting, they could use THAT word to describe them instead of the placeholder "It". Furthermore, it is sad to note that in today's society, the only way you can get by without any talent is by being really slutty. So there you have it. If one day a girl is called an "It girl", the next day she will be publicly BANISHED. This would solve sooooo many problems... Of course, that brings me to my next category of people to be panished

2) Anyone who uses the term "It girl" in a non-sarcastic way - this includes the annoying British guy that narrates "Celebrity Crap" on VH1 or E or whatever channel it is on. In his case, since England is probably his homeland, we would have to banish him from the entire English-speaking world; not quite as symbollic, but it'll still work. Anyway, this class of people must be banished because they are the ones that create the crappy, stupid culture in the first place by aspiring to be the next Paris Hilton. Every morning they get up and think, "Well, I could work or do something with my life, but today I might become the THE HEIRESS TO A BILLION FREAKING DOLLARS." These people consider getting pregnant "trendy", and there's just nothing more depressing than that...nothing.

3) Mike Tirico - yeah, he's always been a little annoying during the NBA playoffs, but he officially went over the line when he used the term "Dial-up" to describe the Pistons slow style of play in Game 1. Just how much is Adelphia paying you exactly? I hope it's enough to cover the cost of BANISHMENT.

4) Frank Robinson - HE knows why he deserves to be banished. He can take Jose Guillen along with him.

Go
Wow, that was a freaking underrated movie. I was busting up laughing through about half of it - it's like pulp fiction, only not as good, and not as dark. Still, a definite worthy effort. The third plot, with Jay Mohr and Scott Wolf, is one of the best 30 minutes of awkward humor in movie history. And the second plot is just like my life - if I were a cool, evil drugdealer with crazy friends and mad girls falling all over me. Maybe not.

Tonight I plan on seeing Batman Begins - I know, two movies in a row with Katie Holmes...is the world coming to an end? Maybe we can consult her book on Scientology, also known as Battle-FREAKING-field-FREAKING Earth. Which reminds me - Katie and Tom, you are BANISHED as well. Thought you'd escape this one, didn't you?

Yup, that was finals week...

2005-06-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

Yeah, it's always nice to end on a final you're sure you bombed. As the final approached yesterday there was a certain inevitability about it, and there was less regret - about not attending a single lecture, discussion, and only doing 2 of the 7 homeworks - and more an acceptance of my fate in this class. But midway through the test I began making a list of what appeared to be my priorities (because Lord knows I wasn't ACTUALLY doing the problems) and came up with the following:

1) God
2) Family
3) Friends
4) Health

Yeah, no surprise here, I would be very disappointed if anyone had school listed in these first four...

5) Writing
6) Angels Games
7) Wiffleball

Okay I suppose that's where my problems started, and though school did edge out bocce ball on the list, it still didn't make the cut of importance. Oh well.

I am the coolest guy now
Yeah, it's true...you can start showering me with whatever uncool people shower cool people with now. I didn't mean to suggest you're uncool, but honestly, if you're reading MY blog, is there really much hope for you? Let me just give you a sample of my humor...

We were walking down the stairs in Chili's, and, so nobody hits his/her head, there is a sign all the ledge above saying, "Low Clearance". This prompted me to blabber "I guess whatever's down here is not Top Secret!" (As in security clearance, duh). Stephen gave me a courtesy laugh, and everyone else within earshot looked around uncomfortably...You've done it again Troy! Boy, do I rule or what?

Anyway, there's more to come later...I just need to sleep a little bit right now.

Yes, yes, I know you're all getting a little antsy in the pantsy...

2005-06-15T01:43:00.000-07:00

But it's the middle of finals, and I don't have time to post right now! Please, I'm only one man, stop bugging me to post. After Thursday, I have some excellent stories of awkwardness to tell, perhaps a few clever observations, and will be launching a whole new site dedicated to just Preview Reviews. So go ahead - tell two friends, then they'll tell two friends, and bring them all to my site in anticipation for a celebration of which the likes they've never seen. I am not exaggerating. Until then, go do something intelligent like read a book, or play a video game. I recommend Halo 2 or Super Smash Brothers Melee.

I love these REAL Saturday's, so relaxing. Not like that fake Saturday which almost got me fired...

2005-06-11T14:53:00.000-07:00

The Days of Essay Writing
Well, suppose - for once - you want to get your paper done early, because you have finals the whole next week and don't want to have to worry about it while studying. This might seem like a good idea, better than proscratinating, but here's why I don't recommend it...

Wednesday: You think, "well, I'll go ahead and write for 2 hours and see how the 7 pages comes out. At least I'll have something to work with with."

Thursday: "Wow, I just read that over, and it was the most incoherent piece of crap ever. But I still have plenty of time to fix it...I'll do it tomorrow."

Friday: "Well, it would probably be easier to start over from scratch than turn this paper into something that makes sense...but today I don't feel like doing either."

Saturday: "Wow, I still have the piece of crap paper. I can't turn it in like this, can I? CAN I? I'll fix it tomorrow..."

Sunday: "Hmm, I haven't made any changes, but this paper is looking better than I remember. Probably because I stapled it together, even if I haven't read it recently. Maybe I COULD turn it in - after all, it IS 7 pages, and he asked for a 7 page paper, right?"

Monday: "I just turned in the paper and I'm bound to get a good grade - I worked on it for a solid 5 days!"

The joy of using this method is you don't feel guilty about not studying, because you've been "working" on your essay the whole time. Brilliant!

Wiffleball
So wiffleball was good, we had a nice sized crew of 10 people, and that was without many of the originals. Unfortunately, wiffleball can be dangerous as well (and no, I didn't fall over the steps, as some of you might predict). Basically, some batters like to hit the ball from straight away rather than off to the side, which is signficantly more dangerous when I'm underhanding it to them. I had been pelted in the back and stomach before, but I was willing to take these for the team. However, when I pitched last night a ball rocketedd off the bat, allowing me only enough time to barely turn my head aside, and get the hard line drive to the temple. I would have been dead with a hardball, but instead I just got a ringing in my ear for about 5 minutes and significant soreness afterward.

Who knew a wiffleball - the cause of so much joy - could cause such pain? What's next, teddy bears attacking children? Rainbows spewing acid? Unicorns gouging out the hearts of puppy dogs with their sharp horns, then eating them as they smile menacingly towards those too paralyzed with fear to do anything? It is utter craziness. Back to studying...

As the end of the quarter approaches...

2005-06-09T19:12:00.000-07:00

Nothing screams "idiot" like a "mute" point...
I'm not one to sit here and correct people when they're improperly using the English language, but this has gone far enough. The problem is that the people that use "mute point" are always those pseudo-intellectual idiots in class that produce sentences like: "but that's a mute point, because the existentialist paradigm suggests postmodern reconstructionism through the use of magical realism in exhibiting the theme." I've had enough of listening to them. What is a "mute point"? Well, it's when you keep your mouth closed and extend your finger in some direction. That's right, doesn't make much sense in the freaking context that they use it in, does it?

Now, I get so frustrated about this because it is more than just an innocent mistake. These people want to pretend to be knowledgeable and academic, and at some time they obviously heard someone say "moot point", assumed that it must be "mute" because they have never read a book, and decide to use it when they want to turn up the intelligence.

If you're not sure if you're hearing someone incorrectly, or if he really IS dumb enough to say "mute", here are some signs that suggest it is indeed the latter option:

-He only says "mute"/"moot" in conjuction with "point". He doesn't understand that a conversation or judgment can be "moot" as well, because it wouldn't make sense for a conversation to be "mute", would it? Thus, if you want to raise your hand and say "actually, this conversation is moot because you're an idiot", and he responds with confusion, you know he is in fact THAT DUMB.

-He is wearing an "I pledged CALPIRG" sticker.

-He laughs a little TOO hard at any political crack, to make sure everybody else knows HE gets it.

-He is always talking to the professor as if they are buddies.

-He sits next to the girl wearing the "You say tomato, I say f*** you" shirt.

Which is a great transition because...

You are officially no longer cool if you wear the "You say tomato, I say f***you" shirt...
Yeah, you heard it hear first. I remember cracking 1/8 of a smile the very FIRST time I saw a shirt like this. Now, I see them all the time on campus. Yeah, you're real creative and rebellious...so creative and rebellious that you wear the prototypical college sass shirt. What exactly is the statement you're making? "I'm too cool to worry about the pronunciation of tomato, unlike all you suckas!"

Not with a bang but a whimper
Real original, I know, you haven't heard this one from Eliot before. But SCREW YOU, it applies. I had my last tutoring session yesterday, and I got to watch all the other tutors get applause after they were done with their sessions, and then mine ended silently. Yup, just some kids finishing up their notes and walking out of the room. That's just great. I feel pathetic once again.

Then I got to check over the evaluations they gave me, which didn't matter since it was my last session, but this usually cheers me up. They are always extremely positive. One person wrote under weaknesses for the tutor, "Kryptonite", which I thought was cool, but ultimately inaccurate. You see, I've been taking small doses of the liquified version of said rock, in hopes that I might grow an immunity, and now I can endure any reasonable amount. Also, one of the other students wrote "poor lover" under weaknesses, which I take offense to. Whether this is true or not is irrelevant - I hardly see how anyone can decipher my love-making skills based solely on tutoring ability. But alas, what are you going to do? The answer is sulk; sulk in your room like a mofo, then sulk some more. That's how I do it!

Observations from the Naturalist

2005-06-07T23:31:00.000-07:00

Walking to class, I got stuck behind a group of three people (who took up the WHOLE sidewalk and wouldn't move), and, rather than lamenting my situation, I decided to give my analysis on the conversation. This is your penalty if you block me from passing...

Narrator: As you can see, we have two males and a female in this group. Let's see the tension that ensues.

CoolGuy1: Hey man, I think it would be cool to have a boat there.

Narrator: Clearly, he is putting out a strong opinion. How will the female respond?

CoolGuy2: What? That's a stupid idea.

Narrator: Uh oh, this male had two choices - to go along and play second fiddle, or fight for the alpha spot. He chose the latter.

CoolGuy1: No way man.

CoolGuy2: Dude, the lake is small and manmade!

CoolGirl: *Giggles*

Narrator: It looks like the second male has come on strong, and, slowly, the first male is being ostracized from society.

CoolGuy1: So? You can just drive around in the water.

CoolGuy2: At like 2 miles per hour!

CoolGirl: *Giggles*.

Narrator: It appears male one is about a wrong word away from being dubbed the Omega male. He must choose carefully...

CoolGuy1: Nah, if you like, bring a keg or something, it'd be sweet. Just some beers or something.

CoolGuy2: Oh, yah.

CoolGirl: *Giggles*.

Narrator: And look what happened! In a brilliant move, coolguy1 has invoked the old "alcohol" rule, whereby even mentioning alcohol automatically brings you back into the "cool" category. He is welcomed back into society, and will live another day.

Seriously, there aren't many social situations you can get into where saying "beer" won't get you out of?
"Hey man, you just said the dumbest thing!" "Uhhhh, beer?" *everybody laughs*.

"Dude, you wet your bed!" "Uhhh, beer?" *everybody laughs*

"Oh man, you just murdered my mom then dumped the body in Mexico!" "Uhhhhh, b-b-b-beeer?" *pause, then laughter*

The proper way to react
So today in class a girl started talking to me. Yeah, believe it or not, this event indeed occurred. Now, I normally hate talking to people in the morning, but I decided I would at least try to be friendly, even though I wasn't particularly interested in her. Then I realized there was a bit of a misunderstanding - you see, I like to sit in the same spot in class everyday. On several occasions, she would sit in MY spot, and I would sit nearer than I needed to (it's like 20 people in a 150 person class) out of spite. I can only assume that she took this to mean that I was interested in HER, rather than MY SEAT, and thus decided to engage in a lengthy conversation. However, like the gentleman I am, upon realizing this I immediately began giving one word answers and avoiding all eye-contact with her. This was extremely effective, and the conversation stopped soon enough.

Now, some might accuse me of being a hyprocrite, but this couldn't be farther from the truth. As a guy, I found a simple, painless way to say "not interested, keep on moving." Granted, I made a slight mistake early by apparently giving the wrong signals, but I corrected myself soon enough and that was done. No ambiguity, no hurt feelings. I should get some sort of Nobel Prize, for I've become the ANTI-AWKWARD (not really).

Wiffleball
"Hey, you're Darryl Strawberry, the baseball player. You're really good, right?"

"Yeah"

"Are you better than ME?"

"Well, I never met you before, but yeah."

That's my way of saying I'm going to go play. I shall smite all papers and finals with my wifflebat of justice!

Booyah, I am such a sucker for advertising

2005-06-06T13:22:00.000-07:00

Can anyone watch that new Nike commercial without sitting there hypnotized? It's the one based on Chariots of Fire, where the whole team jogs along the beach barefoot to the freaking best soundtrack in the world. It makes me want to go running every time, and also to buy the new Nikefree shoes. Unfortunately, I am both out of shape and poor, so neither of those are likely to pan out anytime soon. However, I was thinking that it would be really fun on Saturday to go running along the beach. So if anyone else wants to buy those outfits (white polo things and white running shorts) and come jogging with me along the water, I think it will be AWESOME...maybe we could even bring a video camera and replay it later in slow motion with the music, or perhaps we could just film other people's reactions. Either way, I think I might make a facebook party for the thing...

If you didn't think I was the expert on love before...

2005-06-04T19:24:00.000-07:00

you still probably won't. However, in the car I had the chance to hear an interesting mix of songs along the way, changing through random stations and just listening to whatever was on. Here's what happens when you drive late at night with various songs playing:

Tears in Heaven
I just wanted to mention this because I hadn't heard this Eric Clapton song a long time, and it pretty much brings me closer to crying than any other song I can think of. Just so sad. However, the station managed to cut off the last note as it was ending and go straight to the whole: "star STAR sttaaaar STAAAAAAAR 98.7" crap. This pretty much made me want to slam my fist right into the damn radio. I'm not taking estrogen pills or anything, but could we at least have a nice, subtle transition after a song like this? Is that too much to ask?

I could be your fairytale...
I went to Ed Rhee's concert last night, which was awesome. As expected, he closed with the song "Cinderella", which includes the line I wrote above, and of course this got me thinking about the romantic ideals in fairytales and old fashion chilvaric pursuits. I guess this is my query to answer (I will only answer for the guy's parts): why is this ideal of the knight saving the damsel so appealing? Here are the reasons I could come up with, all of which are interrelated:

1) There is a clear goal. At the beginning of each endeavor for these knights, there is a sense of what they must accomplish in order to get the girl. Therefore, as a knight, I can think to myself, "if I train this hard, and perform X, Y, and Z, I am assured to complete my task and end up with the girl." And so, just as there is a clear goal, I am able to gauge my progress along the way. How long until I find the girl of my dreams? Well, let me check my map - yup, Sleeping Beauty's castle is right over that hill, so I'm definitely close.

On the other hand, in the world of what we call "reality", dating a girl can end up bringing you no closer to that castle than you started; heck, you could be going in the opposite direction! I've always been one that likes to check progress, whether it be those maps in planes or just the length of a download, and I think any guy would like to have some gauge by which to measure the progression towards love. I don't care how bleak things seem, if I had a little meter on my heart that said "72%", I would be happy.

2) There are tangible obstacles. Throw an ogre in front of me. Throw a moat in front of me. Hell, throw a dragon in front of me! If I know that all I have to do is slay the thing, I'll fight with such bravery and skill it will blow your mind. But throw me into awkward social situations with ambigious goals and stupid games, and you'll see me shy away faster than you can say "coward." You can't stab a sword through some awkward silence, nor can you parry an unreturned phonecall. Quite frankly, I'm lost most of the time as to what I'm supposed to be doing, whether I'm coming on too strong or not at all, whether a girl's playing hard-to-get or just hates my guts. Remember, armor and shields can stop fire, arrows, and fiery arrows. But as far as I know, they never invented something strong enough to protect your chest from a girl you are infatuated with. I'd love to say "'Tis only a flesh wound" in such situations, but we know that's just not true.

3) Dragons can't reject you. In fairytales, what's the worst thing that can happen? You die, heroically fighting a dragon, and the beauty mourns the death of her true love. And here's where I'm making the distinction - if you fail in a fairytale, it is the dragon destroying you, not the damsel. But in real life, the damsel DOES reject you when you fail, and there is no dragon to blame it on. Now that I think about it, the movie Shrek actually played off this idea of the knight making it to the tower, only to have the beauty reject him. But what ends up happening? I don't want to spoil it, but if you've seen the previews for Shrek 2, you know that he gets the girl anyway.

After all this, I am most reminded of a quote I heard from Sin City. Basically, Dwight is doing a bit of narration, and says something to the effect of: "Poor Marv, he was born in the wrong century." I believe this is something all non-metrosexual guys can feel at certain points in their life - sometimes we strive for adventure, some sick fighting, and in the end, we want to rescue the girl. As for me, I keep a punching bag for training and a Braveheart sword for fighting in my room at home, just in case someone decides to throw a dragon at me. I'll be waiting.

Apparently I'm not allowed to be in a bad mood

2005-06-03T16:42:00.000-07:00

*News Flash*: You don't have to read this if you don't want to! That's right, the more I think about it, the more I realize that the world still turns even when I don't update my blog. It's amazing how that works out. Anyway, in the mean time you should check out the new Alexander Dumas novel that is going to be published for the first time in French, and then hopefully later translated into English. I'm excited because this novel won't have been made into a million movie renditions yet, and certaintly won't have been made into a movie with Leonardo DiCaprio.

Sensitive? Maybe...

2005-06-03T02:29:00.000-07:00

but tonight I'm just going to sleep and sulk at the injustice of the world, or at least my selfish view of the world - myself. This is why "telephone" games end when we're younger, I believe we're taught their flaws so as to avoid them later, but it never works, never works. From now on I'll play it cool, as there's no point in build-up, and see if everything works out that way. I...am tired.

If that sounds ridiculously dramatic...it is.

If that sounds lyrical...more props to me.

If that doesn't sound funny...it's not supposed to be.

If that sounds drunk...I'm not, but I'm tired, and wondering just how much fiction I've built around me. Ah, the joys of being a writer. I'm not insane - just reality-challenged.

Oh Josephine, WHY?

2005-06-02T10:51:00.000-07:00

Josephine, There's Rain on my Window, But I'm thinking of You
-Many of you have been dying to know who this "Josephine" is that I've talked about on numerous occasions. Really, I have a hard time revealing this, but if you must know, it is Josephine Clay Ford. Yup, she was the heiress to the Ford fortune, and just died yesterday, leaving an empty void in my heart. I know, I know, it might seem wrong on so many levels - that she was 81, and I a mere 21. I in the prime of my life, she spotting death around every corner. But here is how this happened: first, I started asking out all these girls between the ages of 18 and 22. No dice. I then decided to move into the 22-30 age category. Still, all I got was rejections. Sensing some urgency, I quickly bolted for the 30-40 group, then jumped up to the 40-50. Unfortunately, there were still no takers. Finally, I got shot down by every woman between the ages of 50 and 80. But just when I thought everything was bleak, that I would have no chance at any woman, I finally discovered that the magic number was 81, and Josephine quickly followed. SUCKERS!

Note: if the above seemed disturbing to you reading it, just think about the fact that I had to write it. Seriously, there is no way proper way to make fun of someone's death...unless you don't know the person - then it can be hilarious!

For the Last Time, I AM NOT DEEPTHROAT.
Well, finally we have this settled. It seems that for the last several years, top journalists have always narrowed the possible identity of deepthroat down to two people: Mark Felt, and me. Now, people have been demanding a response from me on this subject, because many of them still believe I am the primary candidate for Deepthroat. Let me explain why I was not:

1) I did not, in fact, hold any position in the government at the time, nor did I have access to secret information.

2) I lacked a motive for wanting Nixon removed.

3) I was not born yet.

4) I would have posted the news on my own blog.

Hopefully, we can put things to rest with that. I have no doubt that Mark Felt was indeed Deepthroat, so please, stop bombarding me with these questions!

Troy Masters - making elevator rides deathly awkward since 1984.
Allow me to explain: I had just finished doing my laundry, and we (Torch, Caleb and I) were about to hit up Del Taco at 11:30 pm. There is a mirror in our hall right by the elevator, and after pushing the "down" button, I got a glimpse of myself in said mirror. Here is where I was surprised to see myself wearing normal clothes, since I had been wearing my pajamas for the last several hours, so that my immediate response was to say loudly - "Man, do I look damn sexy or what?", because - let's face it - I did. Unfortunately, the elevator opened up at the very moment to reveal two people - some guy and his girlfriend - staring at us in disbelief. Torch and I immediately broke into laughter, convulsing as we took the ride down and avoided eye contact with the people behind us. Caleb, meanwhile, watched us with horror, finding no appropriate response. Needless to say, if I ever see that guy or girl again, I will probably just die. So if you see me lying in the hall or elevator with no apparent COD (that's "cause of death" for all you Torchians out there), just know I probably saw one of them, and they are to be tried for murder.

And the lesson? Jjust because you are on the sixth floor and there's only one floor above you, doesn't mean that you can be sure there's nobody coming down from there at freaking 11:30 ON A TUESDAY NIGHT! Sometimes the truth can get you into so much trouble, it's ridiculous.

Final Notes:
-I categorically deny that the sexy, sexy picture of the man in Torch's blog is in fact myself.

-Here's a joke: what do you call a main dinosaur? Thesaurus! Get it, THE-saurus? Like THE man, only THE saurus. And a thesaurus is a thing you look up synonyms in! It works on so many levels. I'm a genius.

-Do I dare say that Dallas MacPherson hit ANOTHER homerun yesterday, along with a double and 3 RBI? Yes, I dare.

Ed Rhee Concert Tomorrow
If you have not yet bought tickets, go to his site and get ahold of him right now! Or, you can just show up at the Troubador for it, but remember, this will cost you and extra two bucks. Piano-based rock, woohoo!

Back from Powell

2005-05-31T18:02:00.000-07:00

Yup, got back last night and just crashed. This was the longest "5 hour drive" I'd ever been on, considering it took about 10.5 FREAKING HOURS! Let's see, I could come at you with the whole "dude, it was sooooo awesome" vein, then list a bunch of inside jokes that would only make sense if you were on the trip. But I refuse to be one of those guys. Instead, I will give a list of pseudohighlights. What is a pseudohighlight? Basically, it's a small discovery or something that is not really a highlight of the trip, but it is almost worthy of mention. Why do this? Well, everybody just gives highlights, and I'm not sure if you want to hear the "yeah, laying out in the sun, jumping off the rocks, wakeboarding..." sort of thing, because it's really not funny. So here we go:

Pseudohighlights
- Trix: well, on this trip I tried Trix for the first time (don't worry, I won't say IT). They were less fruity and more sugary, but remained softer than I had expected (seriously, I'm not going to say it). Looking back, I suppose I wasn't missing much by not being allowed this sugary cereal for breakfast when I was younger(man, I'm really tempted to say it). Perhaps I've just grown out of it. Okay, I'm not going to say it, not going to say it, NOT GOING TO SAY...ah, screw it: "TRIX ARE FOR KIDS!"

- Gaslight: the longest I'd ever driven with my gaslight on was about a mile, and that's when I was in a city where I knew there were gas stations all around. But along the 15 there was a 60-mile stretch with no gas stations, and this came without warning (usually they tell you "last gas for 30 miles" or something). Thus, as I watched my gas streadily slip down, the sweat began to pour down my forehead and I considered how it would delay our trip to call AAA. Maybe we would die - who knew? But then the adrenaline kicked in, and I felt alive - REALLY ALIVE - as I manuevered up hill after hill. 20 miles after the gaslight went on we arrived at a station, intact, and now I have just a little more confidence in the Accord.

- Lynyrd Skynyrd: Apparently, this guy has more songs than just "Sweet Home Alabama". This was an interesting revelation when Caleb popped the CD in on the way to Powell. Unfortunately, after hearing a few more songs of whatever-the-crap-this-is, the urge to kill began to rise. I'm not sure if it reached its peak in the last song, which took I think 14 minutes to end, or the second to last song, which had lyrics to the effect of "Ooooh, that smell. Can't you smell that smell? Ooooh, that smell. I'm smellin' that smell" OVER AND OVER. I'm like, yeah, the guy farted, get over it. I think the extra Y's stand for You suck, Lynyrd Skynyrd.

- Driving through Zion National Park: I'm putting this here out of principle, lest you think it is a real highlight. Quite simply, driving through a national park after already having spent 7 hours in the car should NEVER be a real highlight, no matter what color the freaking rocks are. Good thing I'm not Jesus, because I would've DEFINITELY traded all the rocks and/or cliffs in the national park for a loaf of bread at the time, or maybe even a urinal. Haha, Zion National Urinal.

- Rip-Off Town: when we pulled off to get gas at some small town along the 40 West, some tire guy approached us and said that my car needed some tires. All us guys had just played Mafia, so we took a Mafiaesque approach and tried to determine if this guy was lying or not. Obviously, what he did was sell tires, but you COULD see the steel through my front two tires, and we decided to get them changed. He tried to sell me tires for $139 a piece at first, for a freaking Honda Accord, but finally we decided to just get $50 used tires - this was still a rip-off, but oh well. I suppose I'd be thinking the same thing if I were them: "Well, my father/brother/cousin warned me I would never get out of this town, so I'm going to take these think-they're-so-smart college boys for everything they're worth. Ooops, another tooth just fell out." While the guy was changing our tires, we went to Jack-in-the-Box to eat, where they charged $7 for simple combos! I mean, these guys don't even know what an airport is - how can the town charge us like it is one?!

OUCH
The guy who was responsible for the whole trip, we'll call him Kayle Tyler, or KT, suddenly turned to me after I said something relatively innocent, and said, "Troy, you are so sad and pathetic." His face was completely straight faced, as if he were saying, "Troy, you're taller than I remember" - just stating a fact. After a few seconds he could see the tears welling up in my eyes, and added "sometimes" to soften the blow. But my heart was still ripping in half, and after a few more beats he said, "I'm just kidding", then tried to force a laugh. But it was so obvious he wasn't kidding. This happens to everybody, right? RIGHT?

Final Notes:
- I would to say congratulations to Dallas MacPherson, who hit a homerun in 3 straight games over the weekend, two of which were game winners. If you're reading this, Dallas, just know that I love you, and I'll always be here for you. To everyone not Dallas: I don't mean that in a homosexual way. To everyone that IS Dallas: I do mean it in a homosexual way - if you're cool with that.

- "Adopt a highway" has to be the worst cause I've ever heard of - who is that passionate about a road?

Some Causes For Feminists

2005-05-27T01:49:00.000-07:00

Now, I know men and feminists are natural enemies, like "Scotts and Englishmen, or Scotts and Welshman, or Scotts and Irishmen, or Scotts and other Scotts. Damn Scotts, they ruined Scotland!", but I am willing to ally myself with them for the following causes.

Danica Patrick
Yeah, if you haven't seen her, then you don't watch any sports channels. Basically, she qualified for Indy, and now every racing fan (yeah, these people actually do exist) is going crazy. So they are constantly showing clips of her all over the place, taking valuable time away from - oh, I don't know - ANY SPORT THAT REQUIRES MORE ATHLETICISM THAN DRIVING A FREAKING CAR! "Yeah, today I spent 4 hours at the gym working my calf muscle so I could push down the pedal."

But my beef with racing being on ESPN is for another post entirely. Basically, my objection is to the fact that sportwriters are constantly calling her "hot". Here is a picture of her:
It's not that she's extremely ugly, but the truth is that she only looks mediocre, even when dolled up in make-up and such. There's nothing "sizzling" about her, as I keep hearing constantly. This is not an opinion - it is an objective fact based on years of aesthetic training. Why do people call her hot then? Apparently, because she can drive a car. Well that's great, but I don't see men jumping at the fat, foreign taxi drivers they get, so why Danica?

Now, why would feminists help me in this fight? Simple - men right now still don't view Danica as a human being in the "sport", but rather see her as nothing more than a sex symbol. Even her winning won't change that. But if we use my blogging power, combined with the incredible powers of feminist annoyingness, we just may be able to get the word out that Danica is not hot!

Just For Men
Yeah, the beard/hair dye stuff that is supposed to get rid of grey hair. I'm so freaking sick of seeing the stupid commercial of the creepy guy with the beard getting rejected, then successfully robbing the cradle once he dyes his beard. Feminists, how have you let this go for so long? I mean, can you really tell me that "Just for Men" is not discriminatory? It's not even "mostly for men"! What if I woman has a gray beard, is she just out of luck? I say sue them for everything they're worth, so I don't have to watch any more of their annoying commercials.

As Fate would have it, Troy's status appears to be at an all time high...
-My roomate Steve and I were playing foosball for the status of Champion of the Universe, and I won! You may pay homage however you like...

Perfect time to say goodbye...
-I'm leaving tomorrow night for Lake Powell (Arizona), so if I don't post tomorrow there won't be another one this weekend. Too bad.

When I come back like Jordan, wearin' the four-five, it ain't to play games wit you...
-Well it ain't!

I Am So, So Sorry...

2005-05-26T02:44:00.000-07:00

for yesterday's post, which was absolute crap. I don't have time to post much tonight but I can't leave that other one up without making myself sick.

Betting Action- Lay it Down
The over/under on when I get my next girlfriend has been set at 8 months; that is, by February of next year. My friend was stupid enough to take the UNDER and bet that I would get a girlfriend by then- easiest $20 I'll ever make. Besides, now I have an out when I explain why I suck so much: "oh yeah, I was totally going to ask out this hot chick, but then I would've lost $20." Seriously, can anybody question my genius anymore? I recommend some other people take a piece of this action...call my bookie.

Do we ever truly grow up, or do we just produce sperm?
This title makes sense once you hear the story...

Today, at work, there was another tutor in the giant room that was tutoring for Life Science. We were each trying to speak over each other to our students, and our voices continued to rise louder and louder. Unfortunately for her, right as I began writing down a problem and all my students grew silent, she shouted the question: "WHY DON'T LITTLE BOYS HAVE SPERM?", so that it seemed to echo in the silence. If you think I'm above laughing at something like that, you have way too much faith in me. I tried to mask the laugh with my face to the whiteboard, but failed miserably, and pretty soon everyone in my session was laughing as well. Yup, just a bunch of genius engineers here, laughing when we hear the word "sperm".

Final Note:
-Esteban Yan, HOW COULD YOU? Tuesday night he gave up the run that lost the game for the Angels in the 11th. Maybe I'll have to be the one to give him a talk.

The Heroes and Villains of Campus

2005-05-25T01:39:00.000-07:00

My post was going to be longer, but I've spent over an hour checking out http://www.queryletters.blogspot.com/. Basically, this is a collection of terrible, terrible query letters submitted, and it always makes us writers feel better. See if you can find the pitch for a movie that involves Jews and Freemasons teaming up to form a President of the Planet - pure genius!

College Life - Characters on Campus
Name: Handshake Jake
Status: Villain
Explanation: This jerk tries to sucker you in by saying something like "hey, can I shake your hand?". Then he grabs on for dear life and starts pressing you about some fake charity for children or something; the prototypical sleazy man in a suit. Only he is on campus every freaking day! I learned a new strategy to use on him - if he starts pestering you, you say something like "dude, I just talked to you yesterday." Without even letting a breath pass he'll respond with "I know you did and I remember you-you said you were going to bring money today." When you soak in the ease with which this man lies, all guilt magically vanishes. Sure, you lied as well, but you're not the one claiming to work for a charity now, are you?

Name: The Bailer
Status: Villain/Hero
Explanation: Basically, I saw Handshake Jake coming up on the path, and thus decided to hover closely behind "The Bailer". I figured he would be able to temporarily distract Jake long enough to allow me to pass without a word. But as soon as we neared Handshake Jake, this guy did the strangest thing - he stopped, took one look at the man (who had just failed handshaking someone else), and bolted in the opposite direction. I consider "The Bailer" a villain because he took away my buffer and forced me to exchange words with Handshake Jake. But I also consider "The Bailer" a hero for taking my exact advice on awkwardness, and just fleeing despite the possible racial interpretations (this guy was an asian kid who just turned and bolted from a black guy on campus). I hate you Bailer, for what you did to me, but I also respect you.

Name: Me
Status: Villian/Hero
Explanation: I was a little miffed after my encounter with Handshake Jake. Thus, when another jerk said something like, "You can save a child! Do you want to help?", I wasn't in any mood to deal with him. I stared him straight in the eye, did not grab a flyer, did not respond, but instead just walked passed him, keeping this eye contact for several seconds. Obviously it was a jerk thing to do, but it felt great at the time. And for the record I am not condemning people dedicated to cause on UCLA campus; however, remember that your "cause" is not the only one. You selected to take part in it because it is most important to you, but understand that there are like a billion "causes", and if everybody in these causes forced their ideals on innocent people strolling along Bruinwalk you would end up with a lot of apathetic students. Oh wait, that's already happened.

Name: Nerdy McLeftbehind
Status: Villain
Explanation: When turning in my homework to the Engineering building today, I found myself home among a group of fellow engineers. These are men and women that manage to push the bounds of awkwardness far beyond any normal extremes. Unfortunately, the annoying part of the engineering building is how poorly it is engineered (chalk one up for irony!), and thus there is only one elevator. This elevator takes FOREVER to go from the bottom to the top and then back down again, because it stops at every freaking floor.

Hence, as soon as it opened up, every one of us engineers piled in. (Side note: if you're looking for a place of complete silence and serenity, try entering an elevator packed with 12 engineers. You won't hear a peep.) . But as the door was closing, there was one engineer running to make it in, whom we'll call Nerdy McLeftbehind. He made eye contact with me, seeming to say "Please, for the love of God, heeeelpppp meeeeee!", and I feigned an effort of reaching for the door open button. But, as his name suggests, he never made it on that elevator. His eyes grew teary as the metal doors closed, as if he was saying "Troy, how could you betray me? You were the Chosen one!", but Nerdy McLeftbehind had no course of action.

I would have soon put this behind me, were it not for what happened later. I quickly turned in my homework on the fifth floor, then made my way down the stairs instead of waiting again for the elevator. The problem - I didn't realize just how long the elevator would stay. As I stepped out of the stairwell I saw Nerdy McLeftbehind from the side, waiting for the elevator, standing in between myself and the exit to the building! Naturally, I hopped back into the stairwell and hid, checking at several intervals to see if Nerdy McLeftbehind had entered the elevator. What other option did I have? 5 minutes later the coast was clear, but not before several other people had witnessed my actions with digust. Screw them. I did what I had to!

Quick Tip On How To Be Cool

2005-05-24T02:28:00.000-07:00

Well, today I got trapped walking down a narrow sidewalk, wedged in a crowd of people, and the whole time I had the privilege of hearing a particular girl's phone conversation (or at least one side of it). Personally, I'm always looking for the newest way to appear cool. Thus, after examining her technique closely, I think I've discovered a lesson that I would like to share with the rest the world.

Worried that random strangers don't know how cool you are? Try an informative phone conversation...
I know, I know, you are stuck in a pack of people, and none of them know the extent of how cool you are. This can be frustrating. But never fear, pull out your cell phone and you're ready to rumble.

The first step is extremely important. That is, shout something like "JENNY" really loudly into the phone as soon as your friend answers (or better yet, don't even really call a friend, because then you'll get to dictate the entire direction of the conversation). It is important that you are loud for two reasons: 1) Obviously, cool people do not talk quietly, nor do they have people talk quietly to them. Thus, by shouting "JENNY" really loudly, you degrade the importance of everyone around you, while managing to increase the coolness factor of both you and your friend. 2) You must set the tone for the rest of the conversation, so that people will know they'll be hearing you the whole time. I would advise some degree of subtelty, so that the other people in the crowd won't know you're talking solely to be heard by them, but this is not a must.

The next step is equally important. Try turning to other people in the crowd and looking at them with disgust, as if they were at fault for listening in on your conversation, as if you weren't the one that picked up a phone and started talking loudly in the middle of a large crowd. Feigning a desire for privacy adds an air of legitimacy to the whole charade, and is bound to make at least one person thing the conversation isn't staged.

Remember to use the word PARTY as much as possible. You can start out with an introduction like: "Hey Jenny, remember that PARTY we went to this weekend?". Here's where it helps to have the entire conversation be a forgery; because normally your friend would say something like, "yeah, what about it?", and thus dictate the conversation in the wrong direction. But if you're determining the direction, you can wait a few seconds and respond with something like: "No, not the PARTY from Friday night. I'm talking about the PARTY on Saturday night, after we left that other Frat PARTY, but before we went to Susanne's PARTY." Now you've just managed to inform everyone around you that you've been to several parties over the weekend, improving your positiion significantly.

But why stop there? Remember, your coolness is directly related to the amount of alcohol you consume. Thus, I recommend the fake argument strategy to provide a window for enumerating your alcoholic experiences: "No way, I think I had more to drink. No, you only had a few beers, but I had beers AND the jungle juice. No, let's think about this, I had like 12 beers at Joe's, then after the post-pre-pre-party I had I think 18 shots of Vodka, before I finally had 4 more beers at the party plus 7 cups of jungle juice No, I'm not sure about the content of alcohol in the jungle juice, but judging by the color of my vomit afterward I think it was pretty high."

Now, shuffle it all together, just like the new I-Pods. "I was so trashed after the PARTY that I could only drink like 7 bottles of rubbing alcohol before I passed out. Yeah, I don't remember anything from that night either; well, except for the precise number of drinks I had and who mixed them and the 8 guys that were definitely trying to hook up with me." That's it, nicely done, now turn to the poor guy trying to pass you real quick and say, "Excuse me, this is a private conversation." Good good, I'm pretty sure he thinks you're cool now.

If you're worried that you're running out of things to say, just start laughing obnoxiously. That way, people will think that your friend is absolutely hilarious, and that you're just too cool to notice that you're ANNOYING THE HELL OUT OF EVERYONE ELSE. This alone can carry you for a solid two minutes.

Finally, begin discussing fake plans for the weekend, tossing out names like Zack or Bo or Sexyfakeman. Never mind that nobody would usually discuss weekend plans with an intimate friend on a Monday afternoon walking back from class, you're too cool to worry about norms. "Yeah, so Sexyfakeman wanted to take me out this weekend, I think he was going to buy me a bottle of Vodka and propose to me or something, but like, I sort of want to go skydiving with Bo, because Bo can drink like 7 bottles of Tequila before he feels tipsy, while Sexyfakeman tops out at 6." But no discussion for the weekend can be complete without mentioning who CANNOT come, so make up some bitchy name from the 50's like Wendy (sorry for anyone with that name), and just go to town on this imaginary character. "Yeah, but I definitely don't want to hang out with WENDY. Like, sometimes she just gets under my skin. She totally didn't clean up after my vomit when I threw up for the third time; yeah, I don't think she's cool anymore, 'cause she only goes to like 1 or 2 parties a weekend now. Then, she refused to leave the room at 3 am last night when I wanted to bring some random guy over to have sex, claiming to have a midterm or something like that. Hello, if she really wanted to pass the class she could just nail the professor."

After all this, make sure you give a sufficient smirk to everyone around, letting them know that this is YOUR territory of coolness. They're bound to respect you.

Angels Notes
Santana pitched a CG shutout today, ERVIN Santana. Of course, he had a no-hitter through almost four, when Hudler said something like "you know, he hasn't given up a knock yet." Of course, a second after he says the word Santana gives up a hit. Hudler, you should know better.

Finally
Comedian on if violence is caused by video games:

"KILL THEM ALL!"

"Is that you, Satan?"

"No, its-a-me, MARIO!"

Notes on Love: More Wisdom from the Sage

2005-05-22T16:01:00.000-07:00

The slogan around here is "if you don't think I'm qualified to talk on the subject, you can go BLEEP yourself."

I Love You Like a Fat Kid Loves Cake
Seeing as I'm not necessarily down with "pop culture", I heard these lyrics for the first time from the musical genius 50 Cent only a few weeks ago. Now, my reaction - along with the three other guys in the car - was to laugh immediately, and think that this was incredibly stupid. But I see that this has become a sort of phenomenon, leaving me in the position, as a writer, to decipher what exactly makes these lyrics so effective. After all, to merely write them off as stupid would be suggesting that perhaps 50 Cent is not the poetic genius that our culture has come to accept. Furthermore, it would make me think that pop culture - I can't believe I'm saying this - favors cheap, mindless refrains over quality poetic lyrics. I refuse to believe that, and so I'm giving 50 Cent the benefit of the doubt.

The first temptation might be to think that 50 Cent means this literally, and that, in his weed-baked brain, he does not realize that he is cheapening the love a man has for a woman by comparing it to the love a kid has for a sugary food. However, let's look closer and the nature of said "love" between a fat kid and cake. Does a fat kid truly love cake? Well, one part of him desperately wants to devour this cake, for the short period of happiness that will follow. On the other hand, inside he knows what this cake will do to him - the way it fattens his body, leading to diabetes, and even heart trouble later on down the road. Thus, this "love" between a fat kid and his cake is actually signficantly more complex than one would first consider; it is a love/hate dichotemy, with the fat kid a mere pawn in the fight between the classical Aristotelian model of soul vs. body, intellect vs. appetite.

Through this lens, we can see that this is in fact an effective analogy for the love 50 Cent has for the anonymous woman in his song. Perhaps, as the analogy suggests, he is stuck in a relationship that he knows to be destructive, but has trouble removing himself from the relationship because, at times, he truly believes he is in love with this woman. Or perhaps, on a deeper, moral level, 50 Cent is struggling with "lusts of the flesh", and alludes to his intentions to seek a sprititual vocation involving celebacy.

Of course, much of our interpretation depends on the context of the statement. For instance, if we perceive "kid" as one between the ages of 3-4, there is little cause for the argument above. After all, at 3 or 4 years of age one has hardly become conscious of body type. But then we're stuck with the somewhat contradictory use of "fat", as one would probably not call a 3 or 4 year-old fat in reference to food, because at such a young age weight is less a function of eating habits (since they are heavily determined by parents), and more a function of body type at birth and remaining babyfat. Thus, let's look closer at the context:

"You know my style I say anything to make you smile."

Once again, this statement is ambigious. Literally, this would be a stupid assertion. However, if we keep within our interpretation of this relationship as a destructive one, we consider that 50 Cent, in his eagerness to please and shoot for that temporary happiness, will say "anything", suggesting that he would be less than honest and bring about further heartache. Thus, the more he lies the more he needs to lie to keep things "happy", eventually leading to a vicious cycle of relationship damnation.

Overall, we have two choices: we can view these few statements as ambigious riddles to be solved, in which case 50 Cent is approaching genius, or we can view them as statements meant to be taken literally. But the latter option would suggest that 50 Cent is a mere hack, lacking intellect and undeserving of his recent praise. We couldn't think that, could we? COULD WE?

Novels vs. Women
It might have been naive of me, but by the end of college my goal was to complete two things: 1) publish a novel, and 2) find a wife. I don't bring this up to lament my current position, where I've made NO PROGRESS, but rather to make some interesting observations. For instance, I frequently tell girls about my blog, which is inevitably going to make me less attractive. When my roomate asked me why I did this, the answer was simple - right now I would rather get a novel published than have a girlfriend, and I figure this blog will increase my chances of getting a novel published (hahahaha...ha...ha...HAHA). That's not to say that I wouldn't want a girlfriend, but...

I find myself currently in the position of passive woman search. I first defined this in relation to the passive job search, which is the lazy man's version of a job search. Basically, if anything falls into your lap, you'll probably take it, but you're not going to go out of your way to find it. Similarly, there are about four levels for woman searching: obsessive, active, passive, and nonexistent. Passive searching worked with a job this year, so who knows, maybe it will work with women as well.

Lest you think I merely do this because I'm lazy, let me explain something: people suck. Okay, okay, that's definitely harsh, and I don't really mean it, but certain things make it impossible for any sort of active woman search. For instance, you think you're in college, but you're really not - it's the same as highschool. Here is the way in which rumors start:

Joey Joe Joe: Hey Troy, I saw you talking to a girl. What's her name?

Me: Which one?

JJJ: Come on, you're a loser, you don't talk to more than one...

Me: What, you mean Josephine?

JJJ: Yeah, I suppose...what's the deal with that?

(Enter Freddy Fred Fred)

Freddy Fred Fred: What you talking about?

JJJ: Oh nothing, just that Troy wants to nail Josephine.

Me: Wait, what?

FFF: Hah, you're going after Josephine, huh?

Me: No.

FFF: I know, we're just kidding. Don't worry about it.

Me: Haha, okay, I suppose I can take a joke. (Leaves stage).

(Enter Dorothy)
Dorothy: Hey guys, how's it goin -

Freddy Fred Fred: Troy's in love with JOSEPHINE!

Dorothy: Really? (Runs excitedly off stage to tell minions of darkness, i.e., other women)

Joey Joe Joe: Dude, why did you say that? Don't you know women can't take jokes?

FFF: Shoot, I forgot. I was trying to be ironic.

JJJ: Oh well, it's not my life.

END SCENE

From here, there are inevitably two other ways the next scene can play out. First is the do something way. In this scene, I decide to confront the awkwardness head-on, and talk to Josephine anyway.

Me: How's it going?

Josephine (thinking "Uh oh, here he comes, I was warned this guy is in love with me. He's trying to hit on me now. Gosh, don't guys think about anything other than sex? I really wish he would've avoided me. What a jerk.") : Leave me alone.

END SCENE IN HORROR

Or, there is the do nothing scene.

Me (walking past Josephine, saying nothing).

Josephine (thinking "Look at him, I already heard that he's in love with me, and there's no way my gossipy friends could possibly be wrong. Now he's just being a coward by not talking to me. What a jerk").

END SCENE

So yes folks, out of the two options, I will choose the latter! This sort of thing ruins any chance you might have, even if there was the slightest bit of interest to start. Tragic really.

Note: The account above is greatly exaggerated. I'm really not that bitter, and just do it for humorous effect. So don't worry, you don't need to call Esteban Yan in once again, I'll be all right.

Final Note:
This is for my roomate, who's favorite team is the Oakland A's:

"The Oakland Athletics? What are their fans, Oakland Athletic Supporters? Get it? Athletic SUPPORTERS, like jock straps? Get it? Ahhh, screw you all!"

Haha, Athletic Supporters. Go ANGELS!

Why I'm better than an eleven year-old girl

2005-05-21T03:12:00.000-07:00

More specifically, Katie Brownell, who recently pitched a perfect game for her Little League team. At first, my reaction was one of shock. Then, it was one of jealousy. But now, after thinking about it for some time and remembering all that my mom told me (i.e. "I am special"), I've come to realize that this girl doesn't have anything on me. Let's compare our recent acheivements:

-Katie: Pitched 6 perfect innings for the first time in this Little League's history. And yes, she did strike out ALL 18 HITTERS she faced.

-Me: Tonight, when we were playing wiffleball, I managed to snag a baseball before it landed on the steps for a homerun. I must have been AT LEAST 5 inches off the ground when I grabbed it, and remember, this ball wiffles. Let me ask you something Katie - does the ball you pitched wiffle?

-Katie: Is hitting .714 in her real Little League, where they pitch a hardball and things actually count.

-Me: Hit 4 homeruns today in our team-pitch, underhand wiffleball game. Did I mention this ball WIFFLES?

-Katie: Is the only girl in a league full of boys.

-Me: I know some girls, and occasionally have a conversation with them.

-Katie: Is 11 years old, dominating in a league of 12 year olds.

-Me: Am 21 years old, and, if given enough practice, might be able to perform well in a league of 12 year olds.

-Katie: Has people around the country write newspaper articles about her.

-Me: I write a blog about myself, where readers around the nation come to realize that they've typed in the wrong URL.

If that doesn't settle it, let's examine our lives a little closer. At 11 years old, I would bet that Katie feels awkward around members of the opposite sex. I, on the other hand...wait, where was I going with this ? Okay, how about the fact that I probably have a 55% chance of winning in a fight with her? Hmm, still not convinced...fine, my confidence just dropped too an all time low - we're talking WNBA ratings low, people!

Final Notes:
-Let's have a moment of silence for the team that faced Katie today. Each of the players will have to go back and tell his friends that not only did he lose to a girl, but that he didn't even hit one of her pitches in play. On second thought, they won't have to tell their friends, because about EVERY NEWSPAPER IN THE AREA picked this one up. It's going to take some drastic measures, and I recommend wearing the following sign: "Don't beat me up - my dad's a lawyer!". Or, better yet, the "I'm infected with a deadly virus, do you really want my blood all over you?" poster is always effective as well.

-I got 8 comments yesterday. That's right, jump through the hoop, muahahaha!

Progress Lost, I Need A Feather!

2005-05-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

Hear Ye, Hear Ye
Ed Rhee will be playing on June 3rd (which is two weeks from tomorrow)! If you've heard him, you know he plays a sweeeeet piano/keyboard, and since he's playing at the big-time Troubador, you have no excuse for not going. Tickets are $10 presale vs. $12 at the door, so get them now! Talk to me or Ed if you're interested in buying tickets (you can contact me via facebook, e-mail, or even just leaving a comment on this post). For any girls that decide to go, I will throw in a free make-out session with myself for free. Don't want the make-out session? That's fine too, but still get your tickets soon.

On a more serious note, this is really about supporting our artists and friends. After all, if I don't think guys like Ed can "make it" in the music industry, even with all his talent, how can I believe that I'll ever make it in the writing business? For the sake of art, for the sake of my worldview, and for the sake of seeing a really good show, let's all make sure we come out to this one...

Why you shouldn't talk to your friends about anything, EVER
Because they come to stupid conclusions...
For instance, while playing fooseball with Torch yesterday, he suddenly decided I was interested in a certain girl, let's call her Josephine (since I'm pretty sure I don't know - nor will I ever know - a girl with that name). Anyhow, each time I was about to wail a shot on goal, he would shout, "DO IT FOR JOSEPHINE", which of course would frustrate me so much that the shot would be terrible. There was no response for such 4th-gradish, illogical ramblings! But at one of the times in this intense game, when my brain had thoroughly shut down and he shouted "DO IT FOR JOSEPHINE" once more, I could not longer take it, and began along a course to my own destruction:

"I'LL DO YOU FOR JOSEPHINE!" I shouted, sealing my fate. Yes, believe it or not, rearranging the construction of a sentence so that the opposite person is the object does not always turn out nicely. And so I stood there, feeling like an idiot, with no other option than to lose the game (one side note: Torch and I were actually on the SAME team, which made me question why he would employ this strategy). You should always think before you talk, ALWAYS.

Progress Lost
Man, so remember how for the last two weeks I'd been a smooth talker on Wednesday nights, talking to 8 girls and then 10? Well, I think I'm back to square one, after a miserable performance last night (4 girls?). I attribute this failure to the following three things:

1) Lack of Triangulation: I can't have all my friends sitting in the same place. If we sit in different places throughout the room, this gives us an excuse to walk around the place, and naturally we tend to bump into girls and talk along the way. However, if we all start out clustered together, as we did last night, we just stand up and talk to only each other afterward, then realize this is pointless and leave. So sad...so, so sad.

2) Pressure from Roomates: Basically, my roomates don't subscribe to the same beliefs as me about interacting with women afterward. Thus, they want to get leaving right away, and keep giving me the whole "can we leave yet?". And then when I kind of look around, waiting for a niche in a social conversation to open up, they just say, "if you're going to mingle, go do it, don't just stand here!". This, of course, is just WAAAY too much pressure, throws off my timing, and makes things impossible.

3) Didn't Get on a Roll: Like in basketball, if you make your first couple of shots and get hot, the others fall easily. However, my first conversation did not go well, so things went downhill. Furthermore, one of my conversations with another guy got flat-out hijacked (and I just bailed), and that's when you know things have hit rock bottom.

So, what conclusions have I come to? Well, at first I thought I just needed to reverse the conditions about, but then realized that it was PATHETIC to need so many conditions in order to succeed. Thus, I've decided I need some sort of anti-awkwardness object, and I settled on an anti-awkwardness feather.

Seriously, think about how great this idea is. Whenever I bring my feather and talk to people, I'm suddenly no longer awkward. Then one day I put this feather in my back pocket while talking to people, and it falls out. But I don't know it has fallen out! Thus, I continue on in the same unawkward manner, only to discover later that the feather is gone. Then one of my friends can say something like, "Troy, don't you see, it's been you all along! The feather was nothing!"

That, my friends, is why I'm a genius.

Other Notes:
-Star Wars was so disappointing, I don't want to talk about it. And I'm tired because of it.

-I realized my last post was fairly bitter, but don't worry, because Estaban Yan came and talked to me and now we're all squared away.

-What's with the lack of comments? I know that I get about 30 unique visitors a day, and most of you read the page more than once, so would it kill you do give feedback once and a while? Yeesh.